Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 41 to 57 of 57

Thread: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

  1. #41
    All About That Ace
    Commie Uncle's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Hollywoo
    Posts
    17,258
    Rep Power
    4650375
      Country                    Palestinian Territory

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by SupineSnake View Post
    Captain Fantasy
    I decided to review this one as opposed to Uncle because I've spoken to you privately about that promo and this one will maybe go overlooked in that regard because of the majesty of the JAY! promo, but I thought this one was also very good for different reasons. Obviously this is a bit more of a 'straight-forward' promo in some regards (both structure and thematically) but this was a riotous read and thoroughly enjoyed your characterisations of the Battle Royale competitors throughout. It's an easy thing to say that list promos should be avoided, and I think this was a novel way of attempting to approach all of your opponents and avoiding falling into that trap and I think that you were very successful in that regard. Having Burr be the hero was a great touch and made the promo feel unique when put against your other ones. I mentioned in the discord that I realised only by accident why Valander was Louis the Fifth. The nicknames were neat little touches. Favourite parts was the recurring motif of sauce saving the day. Sauce always saves the day. It was less clean than the Uncle promo in terms of spelling and grammar and I noticed a few more mistakes this time. It's not that I'm deliberately looking for them (I promise) but I think things like missed apostrophes (and similar mistakes) jump out of the page at me a lot and that can take me out of the rhythm of reading. Not that this was swimming in them but definitely more-so than JAY! this week. Yeah, very fun promo that was a unique approach to a battle royale format. I liked the hot lava gimmick when Community did it but I think they squandered the potential of the idea a bit in that episode. I don't think that was the case here so maybe you should be Dan Harmon now.
    Thanks dawg! I know Im definitely losing points on presentation for grammar/spelling. I had fun with the promo but I was pretty sick and didnt have it in me to re-read. I was just happy that writing it was very easy so it didnt take too much time. I wouldnt be surprised if the promo is riddled with fuck ups though so I will take that on the chin I did watch the Lava episode of Community beforehand. I knew I wanted to refer to one of the Paintball episodes and then remembered there was a lava one and how perfect that would be. Anyways, if someone wants to hire me to replace Dan Harmon, Im ready to answer the call


  2. #42
    The Artist of Chaos
    Mr. Franchise's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Brooklyn!!!!
    Posts
    987
    Rep Power
    745644
      Country                    United States

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    Review Time: BIB Edition

    Logan Darwin
    This is the first time reading one of your rps, and I'm already totally in love with this total babyface. He's a fully realized good guy like Gerald Grayson and Chris Peacock. Guys who are super lovely sometimes to their detriment but have flaws like all of us. Your description writing is simple but effective. Using the boxes to cage your thoughts and separate them from your action is a great touch. Obvs there is some context missing since I haven't read your past rps, but I can fill in the blanks. The ending sold me when you lost it against the radio station. Super relatable. Only some minor nitpick's with some words missing, and there is a thought coded as you talking but nothing that entirely broke my immersion. Also, like how you described why you wanted a shot at the NA title. Great stuff

    Marcus Mcclain
    This is hands my favorite promo from the character. I want you to continue down a tribal chief gray morality route. It will open the character wide open like it did here. Combining all the family talk you've done with the past with your newfound bravado makes hi. Very intriguing to read. My only negative is I wish you would of explain to your nephew why you had to hurt Cole for the gauntlet title but also, I understand 1000 word cap. Do you cut expansion of your world or cut motivation? I think you still made a solid choice. Good stuff!

    Cyrus Truth
    I don't usually read or review my opponent's rps, but I decided to make this an exception. I want to say thank you for not only help push my character but also push me to be a better writer. This trp was fantastic, and I won't be mad if I lose to it. As always, your rps are always well written, formatted, and flows well. Straight to the point and not a lot of fluff. The difference here this one has a lot more heart and humanity in it than you usually have. This makes sense since this has a year of Cyrus opening up. I have no attachment to Shannon, but you wrote her well, and the chemistry was on 100. All the points about letting go of the self-inflicted weight and just having fun was a great approach. You still managed to get a few zigs on Eli as well. Great stuff.
    "Are you doin' this work to facilitate growth or to become famous?
    Which is more important?
    Getting or letting go?"
    __________________________________________________________

    "The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don't."
    __________________________________________________________

    "I rather you hate me for everything I am then for something i am not"

  3. #43
    All About That Ace
    Commie Uncle's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Hollywoo
    Posts
    17,258
    Rep Power
    4650375
      Country                    Palestinian Territory

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    This took much longer than I thought. I will post the other 2 that were supposed to here tomorrow morning.

    Nova Diamond:
    This is my first Nova Diamond RP so its interesting trying to wonder how much of this Eleanor/Min Su stuff has been going Anyways, this one had me hooked from start to finish. Eleanor and Min Su were two super compelling characters - honestly, they immediately jumped to being two of the more riveting side characters in any RPers extended univese. That first scene felt like the start of some End of the F*cking World type dark rom-com. Perhaps I’ve been sold by the Manic Pixie Dream Girl interpretation of Min Su but I definitely really dug her and low key wanted Nova to get back with her. I’m still rooting for things to work out. Kevin Cromwell was also great and makes me hope he remains a regular in Nova Diamond RPs, he’s got a very distinct voice that I’m sure AON set the tone for. I know I’ve been critical of ending story-focused RPs with a monologue that directly focuses on the match, but it works out pretty well here. I really dug the explanation earlier from Eleanor of Nova Diamond losing his cool, and acting impulsively by accepting the Gabrielle match, and Nova Diamond asserting much of the same thing in the monologue. Was especially a fan of Nova Diamond’s explanation for why Gabrielle wanted to face him of all people. That was always something I hadn’t been quite sold on in this feud, but I think this RP did a great job of explaining a possible reason why Gabrielle would go out of her way to challenge him of all people, and why Nova was so quick to cave in. One of the best monologues I’ve read in a while. Just long enough and told a great deal. I also thought that for a mental illness-centric RP, this dealt with it relatively tastefully. Awesome RP. I imagine it’ll do pretty well QoC & Character development. Really excited to see what you do for the Elimination Chamber.


    Gabrielle: Really rated the first three sections of this RP. Getting to see Rupert Watkins comments on Gabby from her perspective, getting to see how she reacted to the PYP selection and the realization that it was Saint Sulley, and ultimately falling all the way down to the draft. Perfect set of circumstances for Gabrielle to sort of justify how miserable & unwanted she’s currently feeling. I think the only thing that sort of put me off here was how unwilling she was to face Saint Sulley. He’s the world champ. You’re talking about wanting to fight. Wanting attention again. But the person you least want to face is the world champ? Im not sure I vibed too much with Gabby’s view with that. The draft picks itself were a great descent from the #1, to a champion, to the women she feels has stolen her place, to her own protege, to a 45 y/o near retiree, to a man who has share of losses. It just got worse and worse and I dug seeing Gabby increasingly lose it. We’re then treated to a monologue where Gabby, for maybe the first time, tells the world what’s gotten into her. She feels unwanted, rejected, alone, abandoned, and haters herself. If that goes out to FWA.COM thats a really big dark cloud hanging over the company xD I’ve found the Gabby story to be one of the more interesting ones going on lately, but I couldn’t decide whether I actually liked her or not (or felt genuinely bad). After this monologue, I think I don’t like her very much. Obviously, you can’t control how you feel but Gabby threw away everything she had because she was no longer valued as a pro wrestler. She blew up a problem & pushed people to not want her. Somebody’s gotta to give her some real talk and make her realize that fame isn’t everything. While I empathize with the self-loathing, I couldn’t bring myself to feel that her reasoning was justified or that she didn’t set up herself to be destitute. Ultimately though, I’m very interested to see which direction GAbby is going to go now that she’s extremely desperate to ensure no one ever forgets her.


    Mike Parr: For the final RP of the main event match, this definitely felt the most subdued but it was very much up Mike Parr’s alley. The Theater Kid watching a play about himself right before Back in Business absolutely works and is a fitting setting. I thought Mike Parr’s rejection of Michelle von Horrowitz being destined for BIB was pretty great. MVH has a lot of wins to her name but she’s lost every single big match in her career aside from the throw a man over the rope match. You can very much argue that she’s coasting on potential and luck from a kayfabe sense. When you put it that way, yeah, absolutely it doesn’t feel destined so much as fortune favoring her at the right moments. Sure, she’s good, but she hasn’t proven she’s that good. Much like Saint Sulley RP, this one was pretty self-centered and pretty self-critical (though in a different way), and sort of served as a vague walk down memory lane. Heck, we even get a “Fake” Mike Parr giving real Mike Parr a talking to and that triggering some sort of change in the real versions view of their current situation. Of course, I think the self-criticism of Mike Parr felt very kayfabe - he keeps taking his eyes of the prize, he’s not as smart as he thinks he is. It feels like very genuine honesty with himself, a direct/blunt look at what’s stopped him from being able to take that next step, and he doesn’t really hold back or try to make excuses for those past fuck-ups. If this RP suffered anywhere, it’s that the ending did not ultimately convince me that Mike Parr had renewed focus on winning the belt. I think there needed to be a greater trigger for Parr to go from focusing on the fall of SS/MVH to focusing on his own reign, perhaps, this was even the case where Mike Parr should’ve monologued himself at the end to assert what that change of view would mean. Just lacking that big moment in the RP, maybe the fake Mike Parr monologue was supposed to do that but Im not quite sure it was big enough.


  4. #44
    All About That Ace
    Commie Uncle's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Hollywoo
    Posts
    17,258
    Rep Power
    4650375
      Country                    Palestinian Territory

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    It's tomorrow morning!

    Konchu Hao: Origin story, hurrah! And the X-Men complete the flashback quadrology! I suppose you could almost guess what would make a guy like Konchu Hao become a guy like Konchu Hao - an unloving and abusive household growing up. Particularly unfortunate because Hao comes across like a very earnest & genuine guy in his youth. He’s smart, has interests, friends that appreciate him, etc. But parental approval wins over everything, and the young lad has to pursue higher education to fulfill his parent’s ambition. #Relatable. Though I wouldnt blame Konchu too much for abandoning his friends, most young adults would probably succumb to the pressure of their parents telling them how they should pursue their lives, and I wholly envy those who don’t. I’m wondering if we’ll ever find out just how exactly Konchu ended up falling in with the occult crowd of Oxford, but I guess considering this was a hobby he’d had for a decade or so, he likely would’ve gone out of his way to track it down. The high point of the origin story was always going to be that Joker-esque moment where he breaks and pulls out the trademark laugh, though the origins of that coming from his D&D session as well was a fun note. It seems like Konchu Hao’s recent failure against Chris Peacock and his struggles with the X title are the first genuine struggles he must’ve had in a long time if it’s making him doubt the path he’s taken. The Mad Wizard clearly feels he needs to have constant success towards his ambitions otherwise he’s justifying the treatment he received as a kid, we might have to call up the company therapist so Konchu can get over that particular insecurity, after all, wrestling’s got as much failure as it’s got success. I think Hao’s shots at GG are most effective but that makes sense given GG was the one he pinned in the MM’s whereas his shots against Peacock is more so (wrongful) indignant anger that Peacock would disparage him for what Uncle did to his nephew. I didnt feel there were many shots at Uncle but you did bury him in the MM already, so maybe the ammo was out Ironically, Konchu Hao’s insatiable desire for continuous victories made me want to see him lose here because whether it happens now or later, Hao has to build some measure of self-worth beyond his avoidance of failure, and he’s not going to take that next step as a person unless he does. That said, Epsilon holding his hand at the very end is a very nice bookend, especially compared to his getting slapped by his father & being in a place devoid of love at the start. Hopefully Epsilon is the light that helps Hao get through the dark times that could come should he lose. It’ll be cool to see Hao get increasingly violent to satisfy his path which I think is something that could happen whatever the result, it’ll definitely be worse if he loses but if he wins, knowing his loss to Peacock happened, I could see him doing awful things just to preserve his reign. I’ll admit Hao’s appreciation for the X title has sort of made me reconsider Uncle’s own indifference to it. This was a pretty good RP. I didnt initially see the connection between current day Hao & the flashback origin story but once I got to thinking about how this is Hao’s first big “do or die” moment, and comparing it to the pressure he faced growing up, the connection was a bit more apparent. This is also a fun contrast to the Chris Peacock RP who obviously also sought his family’s approval, but his family seemed far more supportive of him, and evidently, both turned out to be very different people. Crazy how much of a difference a loving family makes!


    The Undisputed Era: The Undisputed Era admittedly end up a bit overlooked in this year’s Back in Business, but at least they found a way on the card where as The Division is nowhere to be found and The New Breed are absent. The interactions between Nate & Jackson are always fun, and the funny man/straight man dynamic has been nailed pretty solidly by now. I really hope to see them get a nice tag feud to sink their teeth in, into the next year. At least they have a healthy understanding of their situation. The children’s story is a nice way to go about this RP, although Captain Fantasy is not actually on Fallout. Focusing the narrative on the inevitable drama of a tag team participating in a match like this was a good idea. I think overall the concept for this RP is good and the only thing I could really argue is that the children’s story could have been stretched out a bit more instead of zooming through the match. I think you’ve got a neat handle of the Fenix/Savage chemistry and you should allow yourself to let their banter go on as much as you’re able to. I guess it depends on how smoothly it is for you to write dialogue for them but I remember writing the podcast episode with Uncle/West (and loss aside lol), it was the easiest long promo Ive ever written, just because when you’re writing two dudes you have some measure of chemistry with, you can really let the dialogue & banter carry the weight of the RP, and the longer you allow the flow to go, the more story beats you’re able to hit. You know, we could’ve talked about how they’re done with the Affliction, what a new brand, especially one dominated by tag teams, means to them, what a singles title shot/reign would mean for their partnership. Nate Savage has proven success as a singles competitor, I’m sure he’s worried less about this match than Fenix is. Maybe we could’ve seen a little insecurity from Fenix? Maybe Savage has a low key underlying belief that he might find some success now that he’s not dependent on Fenix. Solid stuff, and I mean it as a compliment when I say I always end up wanting more out of your RPs and feel like you always stop yourself short of going too far. Either way, its an enjoyable read.


  5. #45
    Heel Champion
    SupineSnake's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    Moscow, Russia.
    Posts
    4,100
    Rep Power
    3398820
      Country                    Russian Federation

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    Gabrielle
    I think the promos from the Gabrielle v Nova promo were amongst my top three matches in terms of high quality and closeness of the match (alongside Kennedy/Krash and the Tag Title Match if you're interested). Both of these promos were fantastic. The Gabrielle promo was in many ways a continuation of the themes that have been played upon over the last few months, with Gabrielle's 'fall' into darkness and oblivion continuing. I completely agree with Jon that hearing her thoughts on Rupert's comments to Shake Meltzer was wonderful, although maybe I'm saying that for selfish reasons because my character got a cameo role here :D. I remember speaking to you about those sections of the Meltzer piece and I was very interested to see Gabrielle's reaction and that didn't disappoint. I think it's commendable how much legs you are really getting out of this angle: you must be close to 30k wordsish now since Desert Storm and Gaby's world title loss and this still feels engaging, highly emotional, and legitimate. I guess it is difficult to show more progression with Gabrielle's state of mind but, I don't know, I'm sort of happy wallowing in this hole with Gaby for the time being. I sort of see where noJ is coming from about her complaints about having to face Sulley, but to be honest the slightly illogical components of Gaby's current psyche are probably my favourite parts of her right now. Blaming the 'Gods' for her own loss... labelling some stars as 'chosen ones' (chosen by who?)... not wishing to address the Sulley loss and rather burying her head in the sand... these are the parts of this current progression that I find most interesting and legitimate arguments could be made against each of them. I also liked in the formatting how, half way through, it was suddenly the descriptive elements which are bolded and the speech is not. I sort of read this as Gaby feeling that the words coming out of her mouth were of less significance than the things that are happening around her, that she has little control of. I thought this was a great little touch and a nice insight into Gaby's mindset right now.

    Michael Garcia
    I thought this was a good promo and very well written and a lot cleaner than your promos often are, which is definitely commendable. I think the conversation with 'Fred', though, has some major inhibitors to its success. It seems to me, and I might be wrong here, that it was written without permission and meant to be actually Fred Knox, but maybe permission didn't come and an audible was called to have this be, I think, an actor playing this role? This doesn't work for me for a couple of points. One, Garcia is having this heartfelt and emotional conversation about what appear to be legitimate feelings and thoughts with someone who actually isn't the relevant party. Two, Fred himself says a lot of things that either (a) Garcia and this person wouldn't actually know about the Knoxes or (b) are made up and therefore don't have actual relevance. This makes the conversation lose an awful lot of its impact for me. It is clearly the centre piece of the promo and meant to deliver a huge emotional punch, but - for me - with this not being a 'real' conversation in terms of Sayer's story, it's difficult for it to retain any of that intended impact.


  6. #46
    Jungle Life
    OMB's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    10,971
    Rep Power
    2503312
      Country                    United States

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    OMB Does A Review:

    Saus X: I think out of a lot people here this maybe one that gets overlooked but there is a great improvement here by you Blaine. I love the idea too that the 24/7 Championship and you losing it added to the story too me it fault like what would happen if truth lost the title and cut a serious promo. I think under the right circumstances too Blaine Saus X is one of those guys that is on the cusp of doing some good things here.

    Gabi: I love the story Gabi is going on right now I think theres a aura around her where when she enters a room she is the center of attention and that is a positive of the fantastic writings that ETE does with her. I love that idea that she doesnt want to be with Sulley right now and in fact it would feel like she is having a crisis in personality which isnt a bad thing. Overall the promo itself felt raw.

    Ramon & Golden: The biggest shocker in draft was the break up of Golden Rock and if this is to be the last moment what a promo I dont think I ever seen such a unique promo where it was a choose your own adventure don't think it could be replicated or done better then you two did. It's not many people that can make you go back and read something 3 or 4 times in one promo and learn something. This maybe the biggest match on the card and a promo living up to the hype.



  7. #47
    Huggin' and Kissin'
    Tig's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Dublin
    Posts
    8,613
    Rep Power
    2948081
      Country                    Ireland

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    KRASH
    You dirty, little dancer.

    What a concept to do for the streak match. This is like the only possible match that could be put together that this promo really works for me. From the sudden opening (I’m sure there’s a phrase for when media/movie/literature starts immediately and the protagonist is in a situation where we aren’t sure how they got there but it escapes me right now) to the introduction of the council to Krash maintaining his … authenticity? It was brilliant. Krash felt like Krash and didn’t feel like he was being “changed” or “moulded” by the council, he stayed true to himself, recognized his shortcomings but still showed his confidence in himself and ability. It felt legit. My fav promos are always when I believe what the character is saying and my favorite characters are the one that seem authentic and real and Krash ticks all the boxes here. He’s very much human, very much relatable and I think you addressed the most important aspect (at least for me anyway) of the streak – the why. The how and the resume and the momentum is important but at the end of the day the why is what’s important.

    And adding to the legitimacy – what you’ve said is true. Krash is the best person to take on CK. To blend reality and in universe shit - you are the most likely person to come up with something to beat Jiggy at BIB. The council being Kennedy’s fallen streak opponents was brilliant. The idea that they are “trapped” due to being footnotes in CK’s history is absolutely magnificent. Loved the number 8
    Spoiler:

    Cyrus Truth
    involvement and ultimately being the one to vouch for him and also dug his “absence” at the start. It’s also interesting that if you look at where he is now as opposed to where he was at the time of the streak match you could argue he has suffered as a result of the loss and now it’s coming full circle (Krash and 8 were aligned initially in the FWA debut). Number 1 was done great. That was a really innovative way to get around the beginning being against five people – I presume you couldn’t find who they were because I actually couldn’t either. I think you done a pretty good job portraying the other council members – particularly numbers 4
    Spoiler:

    APAB
    and 6
    Spoiler:

    KAIZEN
    . 4 felt like you’ve done your research which is super impressive and 6 was just … exactly how I know he’d act. Not a complaint, rather, a query – number 7?? Any reason for the added tension between Krash and 7
    Spoiler:

    PAJ
    or is that you just doing 7’s usual on-screen gimmick of being a fucking git some honour?

    Couple of nitpicks – the formatting is good, you format similarly to myself, it’s easy to follow and tidy looking butttt (And I know everyone’s doing them now) I changed to a borderless table from the normal and jeez, I think it looks way sleeker! Just a little thing for you to try out, borderless table, centered, 500. Give it a bash next time and see if you think it looks a little sharper! Not that you’ll be dinged for not but I think it will make it look even nicer. Tough, tough having 10 unique dialogue colours – Krash, AJ and the 8 council members but even tougher in this format where … 9? … are in play at some point. I’m NGL – initially when I seen this promo posted and just scrolled down through them I was like ohhh fuck that looks a mess of colour. It’s not nearly as noticeable when reading and it was ultimately fine but I’d maybe rethink dialogue logistics (in terms of coding) if you’re planning a sitch with multiple speakers in the future. AJ. I knew that I knew him from somewhere – which, admittedly, is enough for me as a reader to go delving to find out – but maybe it could’ve been made a bit clearer. I cheated and asked Rawr in the end to save time (I was familiar once he said the full name) but just him book-ending the promo made him seem like a bit of a focal point and that’s going to fly over heads. I don’t sweat it, it’s a nice easter egg and worthy inclusion for those that bother to find out the backstory.

    This was a fantastic promo – an excellent concept with superb execution from a writer who just makes you … care about his character. This is in my Top 5 promos of the event and in my Top 3 promo pairings (alongside
    Spoiler:

    Nova/Gabby
    and
    Spoiler:

    World Title Match
    ). Streak snap or not you’ve proven yourself the correct choice to attempt the streak imo.

    Congrats, you should be proud, awesome work.


    3X World Tag Team Champion (w/Christian Quinn, w/Randy Ramon & w/Ryan Rondo)
    1X Gauntlet Champion



    JOIN THE FWA!

  8. #48
    Huggin' and Kissin'
    Tig's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Dublin
    Posts
    8,613
    Rep Power
    2948081
      Country                    Ireland

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    CHRIS KENNEDY
    Talk about announcing that you’re back.

    This was, in my opinion, absolutely everything I wanted it to be and more. What I wanted was that classic, Kenendy, verbal evisceration of his opponent. That famed, no regard for what he says, monologues and cut-downs that everyone trembled at. Like I believe people legit didn’t want to face Kennedy in his prime WC-era run because they were afraid of what he might say about their character and he’s always had this “final boss” aura and for the first time since you’re back (admittedly only a short-time) this is the first time I was like “right … okay … okay … I see you, you’re back.” and one of my biggest praises of Krash’s promo was that he managed to feel authentic and I believed in his words. I place more stock in legitimacy than most but if I can’t actually believe the words you’re writing, you’re likely not somebody I look out for too much in the e-fed. I think it’s fair to say you’re more monologue-inclined than what I like to call story promos (the likes of what SS does with MvH, I do with Toner etc) and one thing I love about this approach is that it allows you to be very, very clear in your intention and thoughts and you verbalize these wonderfully. Chris Kennedy is a wrestling superstar, make no doubt about it – your focus and mentions on the wrestling side of things, the accomplishments side of things, the BCS/Razzle Dazzle exchange – you always know what’s going on. You’re always pushing the match in some form, pushing the wrestling side of things. It’s a common complaint from some fedders that some of the more fanciful writers don’t focus on this enough (I disagree but I digress) and a common reaction is that well yeah okay, you can say you get dinged on QoC for the story promos but you gain on Creativity and vica-versa so it’s all g.

    WRONG

    Here you show fantastically how you can do a monologue-heavy, wrestling-focused promo WHILE being super, super creative. This angle. This take. Fucking Trevor, man. Wow. Brilliant fucking concept that imo matches Krash’s concept. You built him up (from my pov) as a fucking loser. A fair-weather fan. Just from description of one very (on the irl surface) uninteresting man’s obsession with professional wrestling you’ve fucking said anyone that opposes Kennedy IS a loser. A glory-hunting fan never obtains true glory, they may have moments of “success” but it’s cheap and it’s not real and long-lasting. I don’t know if this was your intention but by promo end I was viewing Trevor through a lens that was showing Trevor AS Krash. “He stands up and clenches both fists as he watches the scene unfold. It's almost as if he's imagining himself in Krash's shoes, living vicariously through the former CWA World Champion.” This line makes me think I’m right, though. Trevor not relevant and sinking in a cesspool until he met Kennedy (Krash in CWA), Trevor improving his life and self through cleaning up etc (Krash’s successes in FWA --- tho, as anyone reading Trevor’s “improvements” can see, they aren’t really anything. He had a wash, bought some decent furniture [won a few matches, na title reign???] it’s doesn’t make him Don Corleone.) and the eventual deletion of the account (realization that he can’t beat Kennedy and like, fittingly im using this to connect the promos, the council of 8, trying is a futile endeavour that will see him end up like the rest – a footnote in Kennedy history). This was cracking. Trevor’s account deletion at the end really felt like a “warning” to future bib opponents.

    Small nitpick – I understand how you were portraying Trevor as a loser/freak/desperate or whatever but the initial interaction with CK felt a little … sudden? This is a lengthy promo so I get that it had to exclude some moments. You done a good job with the opening paragraph of Trevor stalking CK and fam in carpark but selfishly, I probably would’ve liked to see Trevor sussing out CK’s movements and shit on Instagram or whatever. Tbh, I’m looking for something same as with Krash’s effort. These are insane promos from the number one picks.

    Damn happy I ain’t a mod.


    3X World Tag Team Champion (w/Christian Quinn, w/Randy Ramon & w/Ryan Rondo)
    1X Gauntlet Champion



    JOIN THE FWA!

  9. #49
    -.-
    Oz's Avatar

    Status
    Online
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Izmir
    Posts
    716
    Rep Power
    1055091
      Country                    Turkey

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    J.J. JAY!: The memory loss premise and all the references to it suggests that this is a Memento parody? (SS also said that you went with that) I don't know since I didn't watch that, which makes this promo actually better for me as although I'm not going to pick up certain references I will get to enjoy the premise for the first time before watching a whole-ass movie about it. :D Anyway, let's get into the promo itself. Echoing Sulley's praise, your premises, set-ups and stories are always great and this was no different, and it wasn't even the thing I liked the most about this Uncle promo, because as far as it was very good, something else hit me very hard. But before I get to that I should maybe comment on how this promo relates to the match/es it/themselves? I don't know if anyone would think that some 'lives' of JJJ being crafted to echo his opponents would be breaking the immersion but still, according to the lore he has lived a lot of them with Chinua so it wouldn't even break the immersion for me. I don't even think that's a concern, only something I noted down because ultimately I don't have much valuable to say about those parts other than your dialogue writing being top-notch. Let's highlight the stuff that made the promo for me. I absolutely loved the relationship between Jay and Chinua here and the overall (not)love story that was told here. As my own promos would highlight, I'm a sucker for unhappy emotional stories like that and every Book of Cosmos entry (especially and especially the last one) was beautiful to read. And after you read through it and experience the tragedy(sort of, I think) of their situation, you are hit with a big, bold, red statement that punches you in the gut the hardest. Beautiful. I may be exaggarating a little because the story pushed a lot of buttons for me but I thought this was one of the best pieces of writing I've read here.

    Saint Sulley:
    First of all I must say that I really can't buy the more human aspects of Sullivan, though that should say more about your ability to write an irredeemable perfect heel bastard character rather than anything else. Either way, I just can't buy Sulley as the victim in any kind of situation just because they put Gabrielle up against him. (though that part would later up be addressed) I could just normalize those stuff as viewing the character as a delusional heel but then again I have the feeling it's not the thing you're going for. (please correct me if I'm wrong, though) Then, we start the line we're reaching the end of in Saint Sulley's career progressing, which is obviously very fitting given Sulley's retirement...speculations. It's a good choice to go this route as well. I don't have much commentary to offer on individual cars itself, the only criticisms I would have are either massive nitpickings or can be covered in the 'I don't buy Sulley's change' section, so I prefer to keep them myself. They are obviously well written though, for example the 'third wheel' parallels to how Sulley won the title shines through for me. Other than that, the 'you're setting this up to be a win-win' section in Garcia part also stands out because I believe that being a criticism of how Sulley decided to handle the road to BIB as well, it's good you decided to include it in my opinion. Fifth one was the best one in my opinion, it was a head taller than every other one because I thought you didn't shy away from pointing out the important stuff compared to other ones. Sixth one was just the cherry on top after everything. Overall, I thought this was a very good promo that addressed a lot that needed to be addressed about this program, at least. If you end up actually retiring after that, this would still be a good promo to go out on. But my belief is that you won't, and that's going to be a nice bridge for post-BIB Sulley, regardless of the result of his match.
    what exactly is a dream?
    what exactly is a joke?


  10. #50
    Indy Talent
    OldJay's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Apr 2021
    Location
    The Burbs of Pennsylvania
    Posts
    322
    Rep Power
    404184
      Country                    United States

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    X-Division Tourney Matches

    Chris Peacock: Great intro, it brought me into where Chris' head is at going into the match. The Kitchen Nightmare scene, I thought was a good mix of humor into the otherwise serious tone of the promo without taking anything away form the flow of promo. The meat of the promo, where Chris is at going into the PPV match and conveying that he would go to any length to make sure uncle wouldn't get past him. I will say I thought the entire flashback took a little bit away from the general flow of things. It was more the father part and such. I think the mother part, which clearly was the important part of the story could have just been told in a smaller snippet without losing the general meat of the promo which was where Chris is at right now, where he's at when it comes to his match with Uncle. I think flashback could have been combined in lines and snippets within the music montage part. I think the the love for his family he had and for his friends was shown enough in the moment just with his mother and how much he at first hated his manager for selling the restaurant, and the eventually forgiveness he had for his manager was conveyed enough that nothing would have been lost with a smaller flashback but it also would hold what was needed for the sprinkles included in the rest of the promo from the flashback.

    Uncle J.J. Jay: The opening note is what grabbed me with this promo and make me want to see what was going on with the rest of it. Love the crispy cock shoutout. Never thought there ever would be a literally representation of it in a promo but...well....we got one. From a story perspective I love this promo. After about the second note I could see that it was a Memento nod and loved that it was. It's a very hard way to tell a story within just words, but you pulled it off here. The symbolism in it I loved. Hell there is probably more than just meets the eye. The obviously symbolism is the dancing to represent Peacock and making it known how foolish Uncle thinks dancing or people that do it are. The one gripe I might have, however, is the symbolism, while to me I felt like I saw a lot of it and understood it. Even the dancing symbolism could have been lost on some. And with that being the case the promo feels like it could be a promo for any match that uncle was in.


    Grayson: I liked how you incorporated the friends and comparing them to your opponents in the match. The details of things did allow you as a reader to picture exactly what was happening. The general flow of the promo was great. The fact that you touched on all four of your opponents was a good thing, it made it feel like you were ready to fight any of them instead of honing on just Konchu. I will say I did think the Valentine's Day story could have been skipped. The Lily character could have been mentioned within the group going back and forth and them reminiscing. I think with that the Lily character could have still been the damsel at the culmination of the tale without it feeling too lenghty.

    Konchu: Loved this promo. It had a bunch to digest but it still felt like it was all fit smoothly into the promo. The flashbacks worked great and really were needed to tell the next part of the story until current day at Paris, France. The incorporation of having symbols in a previous time within Konchu's visions that were the four opponents I thought was a great touch in saying that Konchu has more over his opponents than just physical tools.


    Just would like to say as this is my first review in here, please don't take what I said about your stuff personal. It's not, and it's just my opinion, as a reader, what I think of the work. And I'm not big on critiquing format and such, as I don't think I still have a good foundation of formatting on my own work. I'll be doing more throughout the night tonight but for now this is what I got.

  11. #51
    Jungle Life
    OMB's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    10,971
    Rep Power
    2503312
      Country                    United States

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    CYRUS TRUTH: I want to come out with this first and say this Mount Rushmore of characters in this fed Cyrus Truth is up there again when your a character who walks into a room and everyone notices you are doing something right. I like the idea of this promo I enjoy seeing Cyrus a bit peeved off as he is ripping into Black here. I do think the level of detail here when describing scenes is a huge thing for me it really puts you in the place. Good job Cyrus.



  12. #52
    All About That Ace
    Commie Uncle's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Hollywoo
    Posts
    17,258
    Rep Power
    4650375
      Country                    Palestinian Territory

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    Yuna Funanori: This was a fun, rhythmic promo told like a fun long forgotten tale. I’m sure this’ll be a fun match at Back in Business, but it’ll be great to see Yuna on Fallout interacting with all the other wacky wrestlers there.


    Lizzie Rose: FLASHBACK IN BUSINESS continues! Lizzie Rose’s conversation with Black Widow is delightful, and I enjoyed Widow trying to explain Rose’s weird likeability. I think it helps that she’s pretty. Black Widow gave Lizzie Rose some tough love, and I’m grateful Lizzie Rose was brave enough to try and prove her wrong. I would hope that Black Widow would take that back by this point because she’s beaten people that are way too good not to deserve an easy contract. I enjoyed Lizzie Rose’s honest insecurities as per usual. She wears her emotions her sleeves and is honest about being afraid KDS will hurt her, being afraid she’ll be found out for the impostor she thinks she is, and being pissed that Gabby and her are no longer on the same brand. I loved all of that bit tbh, Lizzie always feels fun because she’s got a very different ego than almost everyone else on the roster. Even Saus X has a bit more confidence than her. That said, the Pikachu sticker (which I feel like I recall from a previous promo) bit where she compares being a wrestler to Pokemon kinda lost me. Popped for the catchphrase at the end though.


    Eli Black: Man everytime I read a Eli Black promo, Fred comes in here and disrespects him. I need Eli to cut that man loose if he does that shit one more time. Eli is too damn patient with him. Nevertheless, this exchange ends up as a rare positive exchange. I enjoy Eli’s confidence going into the match with Cyrus. It feels less arrogant and a more earnest belief in himself and what he’s been able to accomplish. The Rocky speech had me chuckling because I was like “I’m pretty sure this dude’s ripping off a movie…”. I also enjoyed the scene with Rosaline and her frank perspective on Cyrus & Eli Black’s relationship and whether or not Eli Black actually deserved the match. Eli eventually stands up for himself towards the Church of 9 and all in all this feels like the culmination of everything Eli has been working for. His relationship with his dad is in a (… kinda) good spot, his relationship with his mom is positive, he’s no longer taking shit from the 9… either everything is going to go perfectly at BIB… or everything is going to go horribly. I’m kinda high so the Stan story interested me as much as any thriller/kidnapping story would (also you and GG get into life threatening situations at the same time!). The actual Stan lyrics part was absolutely hilarious tbh. But considering he’s early Eli Black’s #1 fan I guess its something I could see a fucked up dude do. I think that story ended anticlimactically in the end with him getting choked out quickly and us never learning more about him. I know, there didn’t need to be more to him than a psycho fan but for some reason I did want more. What can I say? The press conference was pretty good. I like Black’s genuine understanding of the kind of guy Cyrus Truth is, and not really presenting himself as a heel. I dig that we kinda view him as a bad guy for a lot of what he’s done and The 9 are shitty, but he’s got to present himself as someone worth idolizing and for the most part, he’s actually not that bad of a guy. Although, Stan had a point comparing their similar kidnappings and Eli had no rebuttle hilariously. I was curious as to if Eli Black should have so casually continued mentioning the Observer & Cyrus’s relationship to them given their deal. Also RIP Lo/Eli? I think this is a pretty good RP and definitely stands a chance at getting you the North American title. If anything holds it back, I think it will depend on how people receive the Stan storyline. Either way, I’m very interested in seeing what Eli Black gets up to on Meltdown. Also write Reagan Cole’s name properly!


    Saus X: Fun Saus X promo. He sucks for literring though. I appreciated that Saus X whining about his failures felt more whimsical than genuine. His random random glass half-full perspective of suddenly having the gods by his side very anime-esque. Saus X remains an endearing character although I think he’s facing tough odds in the battle royal. I’m interested in seeing how he’s going to fare with a smaller roster over on Meltdown. He’s definitely got to start getting himself in segments and trying to pursue storylines going forward to really sink his teeth into.


    Reagan Cole: AND NEW GAUNTLET CHAMPION! JK. So is Roy actually just Gipper the person? You’re doing a great job with a character so removed from your personality I enjoy Roy trying to give Reagan a pep talk but Reagan having an honest understanding of his current position/room for improvement in the FWA. Still, Roy has a good perspecitve with how successful Cole’s been against McClain, he’s got his number. Roy also turns out to be right about Reagan not needing to view McClain as a battle of respect though it’s enjoyable to see Reagan Cole call Marcus McClain a good while McClain called Cole a bad guy. Reagan might secretly be pushing towards becoming one of Meltdown’s best faces. I’m excited for you to get past the Gauntlet division & also get a computer to type on. I think if you let loose you’d probably start going up the card pretty steadily.


    Hey, why don’t we do a bonus one today!


    Joe Burr: I don’t know if this was the best representation of Joe Burr I’ve seen this RP cycle. I think maybe he had a bigger moment and better depiction in another RP. I don’t know. Really great presentation though. Solid comedic touch. Keep it up! I think, if this struggles anywhere, it’s probably Quality of Content and while it shows solid Character, I don’t think it demonstrates a lot of Character Development. I would point to those as places to improve. You’ll get there.


  13. #53
    All About That Ace
    Commie Uncle's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Hollywoo
    Posts
    17,258
    Rep Power
    4650375
      Country                    Palestinian Territory

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    Had a match to write that took me the evening. Here's a few more reviews. Ill do Kennedy/Knox in the morning hopefully then the rest in evening after work. Did Black/Maskell because I wanted to read it before writing their match.

    Kleio De Santos:
    Giving kids weird morality stories #3 of Flashback In Business! The puppy story was an interesting way of recapping the feud from the perspective of Kleio, although the whole time the message Kleio was giving the kids felt very off. The kids became vindictive against puppy Lizzie for being loved meanwhile Lizzie doesn’t do anything at any point in the story to earn anyone’s ire. I mean, Kleio leads them on to support her by framing the story from her perspective and trying to show the dynamic as being unfair to her and too generous to Lizzie, but I think by sticking honestly enough to the story, an older person with better understanding of what they’re being told would be a bit more critical of Kleio’s perspective. She’s for sure taking advantage of the kids lack of development to shape the way they’ll see things.... or maybe my love for Lizzie Rose is clouding my judgment here There’s definitely a certain level of pity to be had for Kleio, but Kleio also goes on to turn her back on Lizzie and side with the wolf by the end and no one seems to find anything wrong with that. The ending bit I got a bit lost (ironically when the kids sort of got lost). Kleio being used to being broken and Lizzie being used to losing… in a weird way made the match feel negligible, like no matter the result, they’ll both be fine since they’re used to whatever negative outcome might pop up. This was also an interesting comparison to Lizzie’s RP since she insists that her whole thing is that you knock her down, she’ll get back up whereas Kleio is insisting that this is her thing in this RP. Of course, we’ll find out who really is the one who keeps getting back up and who doesn’t by BIB. Unfortunate that these two have gotten seperated with the brand split, but hopefully we get to see Kleio interact with Mamma Gabby over on Fallout. Neat concept for an RP, and I'm intrigued to see Kleio become a main focus of yours (possibly?) after BIB.

    Alyster Black: Good God, Rawr, this was so fun to read. I’m about to get onto the writing the match so I had to read both RPs to see if there was anything to keep in mind. Absolutely had a ball reading this. I love that we don’t know how Alyster Black looks under the mask outside of how’s been scarred and maimed in the ring so many times over the years and especially in the past month or two. We know all the shit that’s deformed his body but nothing besides. The description of the effects of the glass bottle to the head was great and a fun spiritual follow up to that RP against Kennedy where we saw him recovering from the glass to the chest. And of course, seeing Alyster shrug off getting twelve stitches without anesthesia and wishing he could deal with the scarring of FWA over the psychological pain says a lot about Black’s pain tolerance & insanity. He comes across like the toughest & baddest dude on the roster. Dr. Smith talking about the sort of stuff that makes Dan Maskell such a different kind of dick was great in terms of both characterization but also taking subtle shots at Maskell. He’s the sort of guy everyone hates, from heel to random backstage worker. No one likes Maskell. And his brand of violence is so petty and low brow that even the most violent things he does are kinda brushed aside knowing it’s just about expected from Maskell. Alyster Black being quite willing to commit to dying in the ring and assuring that the Doc would be there to patch him up till he dead should be tragic, but obviously I find it romantic haha. We’ll see if Cyrus or Alyster croaks first. The birthday description was a nice/brief recap of his history with Dan Maskell, that was honest about Black’s own failures in the past. Having watched True Romance just the other day, the reflection version of Black reminded me a lot of Clarence/Protag’s reflection encouraging him & backing him up to fight a scummy dude even though it'll be very dangerous and there's just as good a chance he'll get his ass kicked. The reveal of the white outfit was great. This was a wonderful RP. I think these RPs tend to be a bit more subtle than most but they're always such a breeze to read. I hope I get to feud with Black at some point xD


    Dan Maskell: FLASHBACK IN BUSINESS GOES ON! We’ve had our share of dark moments at Back in Business but this is arguably the darkest and hardest to read. Dan says it himself, it’s hard to criticize what else you could have done in the situation he was in. He did what he had to do to survive and it’s hard to come up with an alternative for a guy who was in that state of mind. You dont want to justify it either of course, because Dan Maskell is one of the scummiest dudes on earth thanks to that. But… you sort of get it. Erica probably doesn’t take the best route for convincing a guy like Dan, I think Ashley is a bit more tactful than Erica is. Ultimately, the revelation is put on hold because now more than ever, he needs whoever he’s become now to survive Alyster Black. If there was a time to heal, for Dan, it’s definitely not now. I especially love that for now he gets to actually embrace that side of him, and not even view it with guilt. He gets to use that darkest part of him to full effect, finally it's going to come to more use than it's ever come before. Of course, I love that we also do see Alyster Black sort of coming into commune with this other version of himself. He’s embracing it as well, but in the case of Dan Maskell, while he’s embracing it, he can’t even stand to look himself in the mirror. He hates that person he sees when he looks in the mirror. It’s a great contrast and really helps the two RPs work in symbiosis. Good stuff. I think this RP could've actually similarly had Dan confronting his own "devil" at the end there to give us perhaps a slightly longer monologue. While I enjoyed the final paragraph with Maskell, it did leave me wanting a tad more. Although I know its possible real life stuff got in the way since you did need the extension after all. Either way, Im very interested in seeing if Dan is actually going to try and get help with his devil after BIB, or if he's going to resist that help.


  14. #54
    All About That Ace
    Commie Uncle's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Hollywoo
    Posts
    17,258
    Rep Power
    4650375
      Country                    Palestinian Territory

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    I'm sorry, I'm spamming the thread at this point I've got 3 more left after these. Michael Garcia gets to open for the tag match!

    Chris Kennedy: FLASHBACK IN BUSINESS CONTINUES! Okay this one doesn’t count as much haha. I wanted to see more of a story with Kennedy RPs beyond his classic monologues and it was awesome to get that with Trevor, the fair weather fan. After the Eli Black RP, and because of Trevor’s promises to make Chris Kennedy pay, I expected this one to get a bit more over the top, but it was far more fitting that Trevor is more keyboard warrior than anything legit. I wouldn’t be very surprised if he’s the sort to send Kennedy heinous DMs or spam his every tweet/IG post though. While Kennedy did react harshly to Trevor, I’ve seen enough TMZ vids (okay, not that many actually) of celebrities reacting much the same. Shit, Im sure theres a few Orton ones lying about. And while I feel slightly bad for the fan, it’s only fans that lack self-awareness/empathy/perspective that get bothered by the fact that a celebrity does not owe you anything. And there’s very much a limit before a stranger gets too far, and it’s a different limit for everyone, but the hair smelling would piss off just about anyone - you can even see that specific limit because Kennedy was probably ready to write off the overreaching hug too but Trevor took it too far. So yeah, while a tiny shred of me wishes the interaction had gone better, and doesn’t much like Kennedy as an individual, I certainly can’t blame him for reacting that way. Fairweather fan Trevor turning overnight into a Krash fan was also especially well written, all the way to the end where you weave in Krash’s theme song and particularly apt lyrics. The recapping of Krash’s accomplishments, and his brief history with Kennedy were all a great way to remind people of their past while progressing the narrative. Interview/monologue time! As a Krash fan (much like my boy Trevor A), I was not happy with you burying my boy Krash. Chris Kennedy is at his most egotistical, offering vague praise to Krash, as if the most he’s worth is being a another number in Kennedy’s streak column, but not worth much more than that. I also loved painting the defeat as a death sentence - losing to Kennedy at BIB isn’t simply a failed attempt you can write off, but basically writing the ending line on your own book. Here’s to Cyrus Truth not taking kindly to getting buried here, but considering they’ll be on the same brand. Only a matter of time before they meet again. I think the loss to Alyster Black is still in the back of his head, so that final bit about making sure he’s got all bases covered and not leaving anything to chance. Seems like a nice nod to his very low moment after the Black defeat. Kennedy getting bothered by the 1-0 streak announcements is only going to make seeing more people push that absolutely hilarious. The whole monologue hits every note you expect a Kennedy monologue to hit, crosses every topic that needs to be crossed. Some lines like “in his feelings” and “that ain’t it, chief” caught me off guard because I don’t necessarily expect Kennedy to use those but Im not going to pretend I have a deep history of Kennedy RPs to go back to. Nevertheless, Chris Kennedy does leave a haunting question there - if he loses the streak, does he have much more left to fight for? Is that when he calls it a day? And, having been reminded of his “too good for the rest” beginning to his career, if he’s unable to win a World Title, do we see Kennedy floating from feud to feud, or does he ever consider any other title. He is #1 pick though, I suspect he wont settle for anything less than the big gold. The confidence of that last segment that Krash will lose feels like a subtle shot in of itself, though I don’t believe it’s directly mentioned, and more so insinuated. At the very least, Trevor is able to get some help in the end and realizing the road to celebrity stanning is paved with misery. All your heroes will ultimately disappoint you, especially if you’re the Trevor type. I didn’t view Trevor AS Krash until I read it in Tig’s review, but I could definitely see making that connection and it adds another layer to it, intended or not. Great RP and a fitting one for whoever might step up to the plate for a BIB streak match.


    Kayden Knox: It’s great to see Kayden Knox sink his teeth into a longer narrative with this RP, and fitting since it’s Back in Business. Definitely already there’s an interesting comparison here to guys like Dan Maskell or Gabrielle, among others, who are going through their own personal ordeals. Of everyone throughout the card, Knox feels like the only one (or one of the few), genuinely trying to rise up above those personal struggles in a way that actually feels constructive. There’s going to be a ton of characters it’ll be interesting to see him interact with going forward on Fallout with this new Atoner persona. Knox takes a healthy perspective on taking responsibility for his own behavior instead of blaming the many people that have sort of enabled him. He’d definitely be right to blame them to a degree, but he understands that he can’t control how they act, the only thing within his control (to a certain point) is how he’ll react. The monologue/letter was a good indirect promo towards Mike that at once highlighted how Mike tries to cover up his own insecurities, while Knox owns up to his. Hit every note it really needed to in covering the history of their blood feud. Kayden both acknowledging he’s at a disadvantage but also recognizing that he needs to do this match to prove to himself that win or lose, he can still strive to be a better person makes him very cheerable. Doing a lot of groundwork of presenting Knox as a face despite all the heinous stuff he’s done. Makes me kind of want Jason Randall back just to see how Randall would view the new Knox. Seeing Knox play out his mindgames with Garcia was interesting although there was a slightly comedic element to it. Obviously when we watch this stuff IRL we don’t see all the hijinks of a guy hiding under the ring or running across the stage in the darkness because you want to preserve the mystique of it all. So showing Knox having to do those slightly uncool things that sort of diminish the mystery of the act a bit made it all a tad funnier. I dont think thats necessarily bad though, just my humorous visualization of it. I’ve got a couple of small tips that I think would arguably help you get those extra points in presentation (which includes grammar & spelling). For improving the flow of sentences, I would say read things out loud (or at least mouth them out) and notice when you should have natural pauses. Short of figuring out all the comma rules, mouthing things out generally tells you when you should have a comma or a period. “That it took me this long to understand it's ok to ask for help (pause) that I have a problem and it has made my life unmanageable.” - “He has the pills grasped in his hands (pause) there are a number of them enough to where even with a close fist you can see them.” - “He signs it (pauses) pins it to where Mike can see and watches as Mike finds it (pause) he sees Mike anger and you can tell his frustration from everything is starting to get to him” for 3 examples where if you read it out loud, you might notice there’s natural pauses that you don’t have because of a lack of punctuation. The other tiny tip is that commas basically never go after “but”. They either go before or not at all. And if you want to save yourself the effort from having to overthink this, definitely recommend grammarly. It’s helped me a ton personally. It’s boring stuff obviously, and probably not what you’re concerned about but I think you’re nailing the narrative so to me, once you start shaping the presentation up, you’ll give yourself the edge in those close matches.

    Krash: You’ve consistently got some of the funnest concepts/RP ideas out there, and the execution is always great. The Council is a fun way to tackle the streak and a part of me wants to see (should Krash fail to beat the streak), that council continue to develop over the years as others take their chance at Kennedy. But of course, this is the only time we’re likely to see the council xD I’m not super familiar with most of the council members except for PAJ/Truth/KAIZEN so I can’t comment on the accuracy of everyone but going off the guys I do recognize, and the distinctiveness of others (as well as the wonderful take on Council #1 being a cronenberg mishmash of those Golden Opportunity contenders), I’m sure you’ve nailed all of them. I think this will stand out even more to Jiggy himself given this is his character’s lived history, and to people like TGO/Shake/Sulley/Sayer/etc who are more familiar with FWA history. The story followed a very classical format, he’s deemed unfit and unworthy initially because Krash is far too much of a subdued persona to impress outright, and it’s only fitting that someone who’s gotten to know him in #8 is able to vouch for what lies underneath the surface. Ultimately, Krash is able to turn the council around to his side by presenting the unique way he’s tackling this challenge - as a means of a fresh start as opposed to with the intent of ending the streak (and while the lack of emphasis on ending the streak could hurt it, the fact that the entire concept & council is built around that, more than makes up for it), eventually even turning #7 over to his side. Im very curious if the implication of being unsatisfied with himself also includes what's gone on with the Gang Stars as the Leather Boys or not. Are we going to eventually see disenssion with Aly Black or is that not included in the part of him that he dislikes. Krash also deflects about what the defeat would mean to him, so if a defeat did happen, is Krash the one guy who is able to rise above that and reach even higher heights? I think given the emphasis on Krash being able to push momentum and recent victories/loss aside gives evidence to that and works as a nice subtle counter to how different Krash is to Kennedy's previous opponents. While the color scheme might be a bit chaotic, all the colors are readable and it works with the concept. I think this is a strong RP and like Tig said, it’s going to be extremely close between these two, and will probably depend on whoever is grading how this one goes. If I had any personal criticism, it’s that while the RP itself is great, I wasn’t genuinely convinced that Krash the character has it in him to beat Chris Kennedy’s streak. I think that’s just the nature of Krash not being as much of an “alpha” male as many of the other top guys on the roster though. Sweet stuff, I think everyone will be watching to see if this is the year the streak ends which is everything you can hope for out of a streak match.


  15. #55
    All About That Ace
    Commie Uncle's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Hollywoo
    Posts
    17,258
    Rep Power
    4650375
      Country                    Palestinian Territory

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    Here you go!

    Michael Garcia:
    Definitely an intriguing RP. The history of the stadium stuff caught me off guard and felt a bit long enough to be skippable. Though I get where you’re going with it. And I think in a movie, the voice work would've sold me a bit more, but as text it comes across slightly more dry. The swerve into a false reality where Michael Garcia has a positive experience with a father, reflecting what Garcia probably wishes he could’ve had, and showcasing his envy of those who have had was an interesting start to the RP. Does the conversation have as much impact knowing it’s a fake version of Fred Knox? I sort of want to say yes but I can see why people would argue otherwise. Michael Garcia is just a bad dude, he’s a straight up asshole. Perhaps he’s not as widely malicious as Dan Maskell, but he’s willing to go to horrible lengths when his anger is directed somewhere. He appears to want to hurt whoever he’s feuding in every way possible. I can buy Michael Garcia thinking it’s entertaining to hire an actor to play Fred Knox with a fake script and use that as a means of burying Kayden Knox since there’s no other way he can get to him. Im not sure if The Atoner, Kayden Knox would be infuriated by it, but I could see it trembling The Afflicted KK for sure. Though if we’re to expect him at BIB, I sure hope that means Knox will make him pay for playing the part of his father, heck probably even whip him for taking the role. There were quite a bit of color issues it felt where character dialogues swapped colors randomly which made it a bit hard to follow for how often it happened. That aside, I thought Garcia & Knox played well off each other degrading Kayden every way they could think of and coming across like total dicks. Both of them are despicable and absolutely unlikeable. Garcia's at his peak heel shtick. They make you want Kayden Knox to win even more which I think is you doing your job. Good stuff!


    TxR: Wow this is such a fucking wonderful RP. The opening monologue hooked me in immediately. I say this all the time, every single time I read a Danny Toner segment or promo, but he has the best voice in efedding. It feels so natural (in a cinematic way). The structure of the promo itself isn’t anything extremely inventive, we’ve gotten a lot of flashbacks sort of recapping the road to Back In Business, but the QoC & Character Development is essentially perfect imo. And TxR have the advantage that a lot of us are interesting in seeing their journey to this moment. It's slightly reminiscent of Gang Stars own road to revelation of Leather Boys. Either way, both characters have deep, well-developed journeys and it's great to see their reactions & dialogue between every major moment they've had since banding together. Of course, seeing the formation itself is incredibly satisfying for anyone who’s been following the Toner Brothers for any length of time. Seeing the initial motivations for the formations - Rondo first just needed to say something to Golden (which I assume was the letter vs. Golden promo) but then turning that into actually wanting revenge alongside Danny Toner. The failures they encounter on their way to revenge serves as a great low point for the narrative, and though it was probably frustrating/worrying at the time, it absolutely fits with the story being told. Its framed in a way that it felt necessary for TxR to get to the point where they're at now. Ryan Rondo heads off to Japan and Danny Toner finally has to learn to start believing himself and realizing just how good he is. Danny’s constant insecurity makes him such a well-rounded character, and the way it comes and goes as the pressure varies makes him incredibly compelling. There’s so much feels/passion for the highs because of how low he’s often been. Ryan Rondo’s own soul searching is very distinct and different, he’s suffering a crisis of faith as well but it’s not in his abilities but his motivations. It’s great to see Ryan Rondo move on from the goal of wanting to beat Golden Rock just to ruin them and instead being more concerned with self-actualization and proving they’re the best tag team in the FWA - rekindling his enjoyment of wrestling in the process. Danny Toner ultimately beginning to doubt himself by the end and Ryan Rondo needing to be his anchor once again makes the entire story come into full circle. It’s perfectly plotted out. Of course, the story beats and development coming along nicely is carried by the fact that this is such an easy read. Ryan Rondo & Danny Toner have great chemistry and great voices. I love to see them interact. It's honestly the part of seeing two individual stars/handlers pair up in a team. Ryan Rondo being unmasked finally gives us the interactions between the two we've been missing out on behind the scenes since they started together. This is a wonderful Back in Business piece for sure.


    Golden Rock: Final review, woo! I followed the recommended path that leads to the interlude at 11. Perhaps its the novelty of the first read through but I think this was definitely the best path of all the possible ones. Everyone knows this is basically perfect creativity, and near perfect if not perfect presentation. It’s a fucking Back in Business RP. The CYOA stuff basically locks it in, and as you explained in the discussion thread, you creatively tie it back to previous GR RPs to bring it all together for the main event of the FWA calendar, it works perfectly as the culmination of this near year long journey. SS mentioned it, and I’ll mention it as well, the post-draft split rant by Ramon is the highlight of the entire promo. Randy is on fire ripping into the FWA, and whoever is responsible for the decision to split them. He’s also very valid in pointing out that TxR don’t really have any credibility beyond Golden Rock, it’s absolutely true. Although TxR have created their own unique brand of credibility beyond on paper record. Danny perpetually haunting Ramon (with a poster) just as Ramon seems to perpetually haunt Danny is just about right. I enjoyed Ramon talking about realizing he could be more than just the guy who beat Danny Toner, I actually wished he’d dug deeper into that because it’s a good counter to TxR both wanting to be great independent of GR. The other bit where he answers the text focuses more on Ryan Rondo (and both Golden & Ramon get their chances through the various paths to get at both opponents, it’s a smooth way of making it happen without it feeling mechanical) and Randy Ramon comes to the conclusion that Ryan Rondo is fueled by jealousy, something that doesn’t surprise Devin Golden. Obviously, having read the TxR promo before this, I’ve got to take it within the context of them explaining their motivations as well. I’m not sure it’s quite jealousy fueling Rondo (initially), but more so spite for Devin Golden ruining the narrative of Sunrise Sunset, one which Rondo thought was perfect. Of course, I think the monologue was good, but having to take RPs between opponents within context of each other, one argument/plot point can countered by another. I think this is the case when people talk about an external person’s motivations because it can be debunked by a very valid explanation from that opponent in their own RP & TxR promo is a very extended dive into their motivations. For example, Devin Golden’s assumption that Danny Toner offered up Devin Golden to Rondo where as its Ryan Rondo that initially offers up the idea to Danny Toner. These bits feel less effective knowing that. When trying to psyche themselves up, I think Devin & Ramon are on fire, but when they start talking about Danny/Ryan’s intentions/motivations, their assumptions feel misguided. Though I liked seeing Devin Golden hugely praise both Rondo & Danny at the start of both Ch4 & Ch5 but ultimately asserting that as good as they are, they dont have the GR credentials to back it up. Devin talks about regrets he had with Sunrise-Sunset, that he didn’t fight as fiercely for it as he now does for GR, and that he knows Ryan is frustrated seeing Devin fight like this now but not before. But again, it’s a bit contrasted to Ryan Rondo’s own assertion that Sunrise-Sunset was perfect and there was nothing he would’ve changed to that story. It’s very interesting seeing how both men view that relationship at this point. Golden is redeeming himself, but Rondo doesn’t think any redeeming had been needed and is initially motivated to return to ruin Golden’s story because he post-humously ruined theirs (even if Rondo's motivations change afterwards to being beyond GR). It’s a very fun dynamic. The funnest parts of this RP, Randy Ramon rant session post-draft aside, was when Golden Rock were just getting into fun hijinks: Swapping bodies again, drinking the boot, being tempted with a drink from fake Bill Murray, invading Tonerville and burning it down. I think partially because they were just inherently entertaining concepts, but also because we were getting steadier back and forth from Randy/Devin which I found more thrilling/fun to read than them performing individually in monologues (not for lack of quality, the joy of Golden Rock is moreso in seeing them act together though and with the factor that this COULD be their last act together, you almost want to milk the most you can out of those interactions). This is a great BIB RP but win or lose, there's clearly so much more that needs to be explored with Golden Rock and a lot of chapters that still need to come.


    Undoubtedly the tag titles deserved the main event (or one of them), Im sure the result will be very close and I can’t imagine who’s going to win it at this point. Both of them position themselves in ways where their story as champions will be equally as entertaining as the other. Cant wait to read the 3 Stages of Hell.


  16. #56
    Fight The Power
    Jiggy's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Tampa, Fl
    Posts
    7,606
    Rep Power
    2312841

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    MvH - What a journey this was. I can honestly say, this was unlike any promo I've ever read. It was fun connecting the dots to which FWA wrestlers were represented in the story, from the obvious Miguel to the less obvious Asombroso and Isabella. Personally, I loved it, thought it was a total homerun but I can see the point that Jon is making in that you may be shooting yourself in the foot with subtlety and allegory, as it's hurt me in the past before. But from where I'm standing, that's a non-issue for me, and I was able to connect all the dots and see how this narrative connects to your world title match. The characterization of Saint Skulley was well fleshed out and jives with how he appears from MvH's perspective. This promo was a refreshing change of pace for what you would typically see in a world title promo, the formulaic "I'm the best, this is why I'm the best and this is why I'm going to beat my opponent" barrage of word salad is the norm, but you weren't tethered to that by any means. Style vs Substance is a fine line we all walk and this promo proves what most of us already know, in that you walk that line flawlessly and deliver in both aspects. One aspect that I find is lost on most, even if you color coded the two political factions to telegraph it, is how you handled the brand split, I thought that was a nice touch. Subtle nods to MvH's history over the last year, Sulley's history, and the implied fallout nearing the end of the promo were all layered with thick character development and this promo was a pleasure to read. Selfishly, my favorite thing about all of it were the nods to Bell and Kennedy and what that all will eventually lead to, I though it was all aces.

    Saint Sulley - After reading the MvH promo I was wondering if you'd be able to match that one, and lo and behold you drop this wildly creative and inventive promo that gives us a career introspective on Sullivan in the most unorthodox way imaginable. The separate train cars, each one representing a different part of Sullivan's past, each one focusing on his opponents that best represented that part of his life, for someone like me who is a fan of the Dave Sullivan character and has been for years, what a fucking treat this was. Each train car was more interesting than the last, and this introspective side of Sulley shows how different the current day Dave Sullivan is from the Dave Sullivan of old. This "Ghosts of Christmas Past" approach does well to address Sullivan's doubts, his criticism from his detractors, and his strengths all at once. The last train car, where the two Sullivan's are communicating with each other, it felt like a callback to my promo weeks back where young Kennedy and veteran Kennedy are having it out, though I know I likely had little-to-no influence over this promo. I loved this section specifically because it addressed a very interesting part of Sullivan's "retirement" rumors. Has he achieved all he's wanted? If he walks away right now is he on anyone's Mount Rushmore? Old man Sullivan smacks him back to reality and Sullivan has a reckoning with himself. Honestly, I don't want to see an FWA that doesn't have Dave Sullivan in it, and I feel like he has so much more to achieve, so the fan in me super interested in seeing where he goes from here.

    Sauce Man - This promo has everything I hate in a presentation format. 3 point font, comic sans, the works. So why did I love this promo so much? Because it fits The Sauce Man to a tee, he takes himself as seriously as you take him and I love that. Wildly fun character and an RP that matches his energy perfectly. I laughed hard at the interaction between Sauce Man and the Russian guy, I think this really demonstrated how funny you can be when you feel like it and I was thankful for the laughs.

    Chris Peacock - I really enjoyed this one. Peacock feels like the most pure face in the FWA to me and this promo is an excellent demonstration of that. The beginning bit where he's training in the gym did a tremendous job of putting us in the mindset of Peacock, we the readers are now in the driver seat with him as he recounts J.J. JAY crossing his family and how it's effecting Peacock would have been enough to get us to sympathize with him but then we go into the 2nd part of the promo where he's working with his family at Dazzling Dave's and it really went a long way in showing the reader how much Peacock cares about his family and giving us deeper visibility into his family and their internal conflicts, it's a "Show don't tell" approach that I appreciate and by the end of the promo, when they familial aspect of your promo came full circle, it was heartwarming. I wasn't entirely sold on the Gordon Ramsey bit, but not sure if that's because I wasn't reading his dialogue in the same manner you intended, so maybe that's on me. You'd have likely been better off using a fictional chef you'd have curated for this world so the dialogue wasn't beholden to my expectations of Ramsay as someone who's watched the guy more than he cares to admit. Apart from that and some technical nitpicks I have regarding spacing, I thought this was a hell of a promo, tremendous job.

    J.J. JAY - My personal favorite promo of the night, I enjoyed this promo so much. Honestly, what a compelling and engaging write-up that kept me tuned in the entire time. I haven't made it much of a secret that J.J, JAY is one of my favorite characters right now and that's because I think it's such a unique, well fleshed out character that's propelled by a talented writer who has a clear vision in mind. This promo was like some David Lynch nightmare fever dream in that it impeccably blended surrealism with intrigue and heart. The opening, J.J. JAY finding Chinua dead and then the note from Chinua that gave JAY a whole-ass yelp review on himself only for it to continuously cut to this incredibly well written moment in time between the two, I thought this was a very creative and tremendous vehicle to drive this narrative that develops JAY far beyond anything I've seen from him thus far because through JAY's own introspective moments as wall as Chinua's assessment of JAY's actions and idiosyncrasies is what really gives us the best possible look into JAY's unpredictably, mystique and vulnerability. You playing with the narrative structure the way you did was as erratic as JAY himself and I didn't pick up on the Memento callbacks until JAY explicitly asked Chinua if he'd seen it and I really liked that connection a ton. The captive relationship between JAY and Chinua made way for this strangely endearing chemistry between the two that was really interesting to see in the dance scene, with Chinua torturing him to the point of dancing and then following that up with the line "It was a delight to discover the thing you hated the most in the world was dancing", that shit had me hooked and I was pleased as punch with the song choice as that one is an absolute slapper. All in all, it's hard to pinpoint what I loved the most about this promo because there were so many aspects I was in love with. The dialogue was organic and felt real, the story drew me in and had me on the edge of my scene as I watched the quiet and beautiful chaos play off between these two, and I think the lyrics in the song really telegraph JAY's trajectory: "I'm coming out, I want the world to know" and if I'm taking anything away from that, it's that bigger things are in store for JAY and I fuck with that. Impeccable job, you killed it.

    Logan Darwin - So regarding the stuff with Logan and Johnny, their relationship and Logan neglecting Johnny through his childhood in favor of his career, it has parallels to The Chris Kennedy/Kerry Kennedy storyline, where young Chris Kennedy despises his father, wrestling icon "Legendary" Kerry Kennedy for doing the same, while the older Kennedy tries to regain his trust and establish a relationship they should have had years ago. In fact it was a huge part of Kennedy's backstory and early storylines as an FWA rookie and has been called back to through out the years. I really liked those parallels and even though I know it wasn't intentional on your end, it has me seeing a lot of young Chris Kennedy in Johnny. All in all I thought this was a very good promo. There were some aspects that could have used more attention, such as a few minor grammatical flubs here and there, but nothing game breaking. The inner monologue being going in a 500pt table was an interesting choice, and for me is a cosmetic miss but again, nothing major. I enjoyed the dialogue between Logan and everyone he interacted with in Paris and it's here where we get some additional visibility into just how virtuous of a face Darwin is, he is a man of the people and I like that about him.

    Marcus McClain - The dialogue between Marcus and Matthew was very well done, and it continues the trend we've seen on this show (so far) of authentic dialogue that feels organic. It really humanizes Marcus and emphasizes that the world is not black and white, and we are not the sum of our actions. I really liked where it was going but it seemed to have been cut a little too short for my liking, I wanted more. That's a just a personal thing though, and this was an effectively good promo.

    Cyrus Truth - You think I'm not going to fucking pop for a Shannon O'Neal appearance? What a treat, and an excellent idea, given their history. Cyrus shoots on FWA management because he doesn't think they are treating Cyrus or the North American championship with the respect they deserve by throwing him against Eli Black last minute. In that regard you're burying young Eli which I thought was pretty funny. I really liked how you're airing your grievances while deconstructing your opponent and dismissing him completely. I loved it. Cyrus appears to be peppered with doubt about where he is in this stage of his career, and it's to be expected, you've been at it while. There was one line in particular that got a giggle out of me, though I don't know if it was intentional. When Cyrus said (and I'm obviously paraphrasing the fuck outta this one) "I never won at Back in Business" and Shannon says "Yes you did" and Cyrus says "Well yes, but no" I probably thought that was funnier than you intended. Through the continued exchange between Shannon and Cyrus, featuring several exceptionally well-written monologues from the both of them, Cyrus has his "come-to-Jesus" moment where he accepts that, while the match with Eli wasn't the match he wanted, but it's the match that he got and it's fuckin' Back in Business-or-bust, we get the return of everyone's favorite glory hound, with Shannon acknowledging his return. I really enjoyed what you did with this one.


    Golden Rock - I read this promo 3 times. Forgive me if I'm being overdramatic but this promo rocked my fucking balls off. Serious. I don't have balls anymore. So thanks for that. What an ingenious concept, I am in fucking awe that you executed this so flawlessly and even a little jealous that I didn't think of it. Chapter 1 did a tremendous job playing off of Devin and Randy's differing states of mind and setting up the remainder of his masterclass promo. On my first read-through, I chose: Chapter 2 (Make Devin Miss The Shot), Chapter 5 (It's a Sunset) I got a chuckle at Randy taking a dig at "shitty emo music" and hoping it hadn't found it's way to Belgium. Devin being unable to execute Das Boot and then lashing out at Randy over it was also fantastic. Near the end of chapter 2, I decided that the sun was going down. Cut to Chapter 5 and we have Devin reflecting on his career and realizing that this iteration of the character has more parallels to The Rotten Gold than the loveable "Golden One" and should fucking hope so after he's running around trying to carve people up, shit. This segment is about Ryan Rondo as much as it is about Rondo and I was happy to see Golden acknowledge the never-ending rivalry with Rondo, there is so much history there and of course it would be played off of and you did a fantastic job at that. I would then accept the drink and go to chapter 8 where we are pulled back into the Golden and Ramon two-player mode. Ramon bringing up the Domino meme and explaining it to Golden was nice touch and interesting way to push the narrative and Randy thinks he's providing Devin an opportunity for revelatory introspection but Devin dismisses all that and declares that they are going to decide their own destiny. HE SAYS THEY ARE GOING TO DECIDE THEIR OWN DESTINY IN A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE, LADIES AND GENTS. How clever was that? So good. In my second read-through, I went with Chapter 3 (Devin Misses The Shot), Chapter 7 (Answer Kelly's text), Chapter 10 (Go to Paris) This chapter sees a very different Randy Ramon than the previous. We see Randy Ramon react to Golden Rock being separated in the Draft which I though was smart to address in some capacity so I'm glad you did. We get Randy having to reckon with going through another brand split, shooting on FWA management, shooting on the last brand split and what it did to his career. A heated Randy Ramon talks about Golden Rock revitalizing the tag division with such passion and vigor that you can't help but co-sign with him as he shits on the other tag teams he mentions. He says without Golden Rock there is no Danny Toner, without Danny Toner, Ryan Rondo doesn't return to the FWA, without Ryan Rondo, no BIB Night One main event. He brings up a ton of great points and he doesn't make it hard at all to root for him. Devin Golden would eventually interrupt his rant to pacify Randy's rage. Paraphrasing: "All we have to do is never lose again. Just keep winning." and this really hammers the point home, it really demonstrates how high the stakes have been raised. This match isn't just about the tag titles, this match is about keeping Golden Rock together for as long as they can. It shows how much these two men care for each other, they brotherhood they've formed. Randy accepts the text from Kelly and the name "Ryan" triggers him into a long monologue on Ryan Rondo and Danny Toner and it checks all the boxes on a big-match promo you could possibly want. By the end of that, I went with chapter 10 as I had already accepted the drink on my previous playthrough. This chapter was a fitting end that provides us touching moment between Devin and Randy where Devin momentarily entertains the idea that the match might not go their way but he doesn't let that moment come to pass. We fade to black and I'm left with an experience as satisfying as the first read-though, maybe more so. On my third read through, I once again chose Chapter 3 (Devin Misses The Shot) but opted to follow up with Chapter 6 (Ignore Kelly), Chapter 9 to Stay as is and Chapter 11 onward to the limo and en route to Tonerville in which what felt like the most fitting end of them all. Incredibly well crafted effort and a highly innovative way to make your promo forever relevant. This review was a chore to do, but the promo certainly wasn't a chore to read.


    Johnny Johnson - A pretty good introduction to Johnson for me. I said in the Darwin promo that there are parallels to Johnny and Chris Kennedy based on their origin stories, but when I see how arrogant Johnny is, the parallels keep coming. I think it shows that you put more work into Darwin, as this one seems to have a few spots overlooked in the proofread, with some coding errors here and there that I felt hurt the promo a bit, but considering you already turned in a pretty good promo with Logan, I understand the fatigue that comes with turning in multiple RPs and you could be forgiven. I think with both Darwin and Johnson, the only real big nitpick to take away from is you'll need to read your promos from top to finish before posting.

    El Demente - A Solid Debut RP that gives us a good look into the character. He does a nice job equating the battle for the X Title to a war you don't come home from, and the closing lines seem to but the entire FWA on notice. Creatively, this promo was pretty bare bones in that regard and is mostly monologue, so I'd like to have seen more by the way of "show, don't tell" and could have used more instances of narrative peppered in between the monologue but all in all this was a solid first effort.

    Gerald Grayson - The opening stuff where we flashback to Valentines day, and Gerald's brother Jay comes to his aid with words of wisdom, was a touching introduction that really transitioned nicely into the next bit where adult Grayson is reflecting on his time with the X-Title, almost equating it to a lost love, wishing his brother was there to talk him through it. He reflects on wanting to win the title and do things differently, and goes over his roadblocks in this tournament, namely Uncle J.J. JAY, Konchu Hao, Chris Peacock and the callback to his brothers sage advice was a nice way to convey Grayson's endgame here. Fast forward to the high school reunion, and Grayson catching up with his old friends. He goes over Back in Business with them and stresses the importance of beating his opponents and recapturing the X-Division title. I thought this was pretty interesting, not the direction I'd have taken with it but it was a neat way to keep the focus on his intent, showing us that even in a moment like this where he should cut back and enjoy himself, his match at Back in Business looms over him and dominates the conversation. The stuff with Detective Nick walking them through the drug smuggler potentially being at the took me out of it at first, as I felt the interaction felt forced and impractical, but the way it connected to Will and Noah was pretty interesting. The final moment between Gerald and Lily was sweet even if it was interrupted by Nick with the looming threat that there was more to come in this storyline. Pretty solid stuff all around.

    Nova Diamond - This was a fantastic effort, I really enjoyed this one. You immediately had my attention with the opening scene between Nova and Bora/Min-Su. I was really engaged with all that and wasn't ready for that scene to end but we then cut to Nova and Kevin Cromwell are in the car together. These two are just the best of buds, aren't they? They have a pretty interesting dynamic, kinda wish AON still had Cromwell active because I'd like to see these two cutting entire promos together. The dialogue between Nova and Ellie and Min-Su was really well-written and and believable, I loved it, getting this deeper insight into Nova's past and how it correlates to his match with Gabby, I thought it was tops. The last part, after the drive to the airport we find Nova cutting a monologue and he's speaking directly to Gabby. This was a good note to end the promo on, as acts 1 and 2 set up this rich narrative of where Nova's heads act, and the 3rd and final act just hammers away at Nova's intent, his desire to defeat Gabrielle at Back in Business. A great read from start to finish.

    Gabrielle - I think that Gabrielle reflecting on her draft pick was the smartest possible thing you could have done. With her recent battle with her declining mental health and self image, it would have been foolish to gloss over it like others may have, but here we have Gabrielle continuing her pity party by gritting her teeth at MvH and mentioning that "the gods are favoring her while casting her aside", a potential breaking of the fourth wall, having a bittersweet and then outright sour reaction to her protégé Lizzie Rose getting drafted ahead of her, and then very reasonably seeing Saus-X as the final straw. This all plays well into the main body of your promo where you're really driving the point home that she feels overlooked by todays FWA and as a fan of the character I agree with that. When you look at where she landed in the draft and how she's been booked going into Back in Business there's enough evidence to support and legitimize her feelings and she doesn't come off as a crazy person looking for attention, she's sympathetic you really feel for her. I am interested to see what's next for her as this promo feels like a culmination of the character.

    Konchu Hao - Konchu's dad is absolute dipshit, indicative of all the southern Christian dads you'd find out here in the bible belt. We get a glimpse into this oppressed childhood and see that his father is not as perfect as the picture he paints of himself. He is an adulterer and a child abuser, and he's very controlling. Fast forward a few years and now young Konchu is DM'ing a game of Dungeons and Dragons. I don't know if this was intentional or not but the idea that he's now in control of this fantasy world, where in his real life up to this point he's had no control whatsoever, was a neat transition. There is definitely a correlation between people who DM these games and people who feel helpless in their personal lives for one reason or another and it's why many view tabletop RPG's as the ultimate form of escapism. The game ends and we find out it's the final session and Konchu is being forced by his father to study abroad, reminding us that he's still not in control of his destiny at this point in time. Then we see him in England, going through his trials with the Witch who reiterates all the things about Konchu that he already knows and he snaps, awaking something within him that's dark and bigger than himself. It's here Konchu Hao is seemingly born before transitioning to the present where the focus is put on Konchu's match at Back in Business and his desire to win the X-Title, and I feel like this aspect of the promo really delivered in terms of selling the importance of the match. This was a very enjoyable promo and like Jon, I'm impressed that you were able to turn in two fantastic efforts on the same show. Mad respect.

    The Undisputed Alliance - I chuckled when Jackson Fenix said they were drafted to "Fall Down", what an absolute mad way to undersell the new brand. All in all this promo was a decent effort. I really like the chemistry between Jackson and Fenix, and you've nailed their dialogue perfectly. They talk about feeling like they were an afterthought on the card and it's true. Personally, I'd have liked to maybe see a feud with them and the New Breed going into BIB since both teams weren't really doing anything until UA were booked in this match and a non-title tag team feud is what this fed really needs right now. Though there were a few things I'd liked to have seen more of, The scene setting and location left a little to be desired and I would have liked more emphasis on the match at hand, though you covered it in the final parts of the promo, there was part of me that wanted more.

    Yuna Funanori - Short and sweet and a pretty good promo that was on brand with Yuna's character. Considering this was essentially a jobber match, not much was needed here and you provided more than was expected and that's super commendable. I really like this character, very excited to see what she does going forward.

    Captain Fantasy - More than anything, I want a Captain Fantasy/Giant Killer tag team on Meltdown. I really liked the dynamic between these two, it's Batman and Robin meets Team Hell No and in that regard reminds me of the Dick Grayson/Damien Wayne iteration of Batman and Robin where the lines are blurred between who's the hero and who's the sidekick. I really enjoyed your approach to addressing all the competitors in the battle royal and reaching El Demente on the final floor, and while he's the least experienced and least known name in this match, he's the one that seems like a "final boss" villain due to his character. I really hope to see more between Fantasy and El Demente going forward, that could be a hot feud and one to watch. At the end of the promo Fantasy emerges triumphant with his super hero suit worn and torn like you'd expect at the end of a super hero movie or comic book arc, with Captain Fantasy proudly proclaiming "I AM HERE" and that was a hype worthy moment. I am not big on OOC tags in promos and I didn't feel like this one needed it, the presentation and writing was solid enough to where you didn't owe anyone an explanation. There were a few grammatical hiccups here and there but nothing game breaking. All in all this was a great promo and I'm in awe of you for turning out two tremendous efforts on the same card.

    Mike Parr - Another wonderful promo for our main event title match. Mike Parr has this unmatched sense of self awareness as it's not lost on him that he's the underdog here, and following that up with calling a Dave Sullivan a fraud who only shows up in title fights and Michelle von Horrowitz the "chosen one" who's using destiny as a crutch, insinuating that she simply lucked her way into this spot, we get a full assessment of how he really feels before any dialogue has been delivered. The dialogue between Parr and faux-Parr was really nicely done and provides Parr with the self-actualization he needed going into the big match. I think for me, I'd like to have seen more from Parr after the faux-Parr walks off, because I feel like the promo was really going into high gear but then stepped on the breaks abruptly. Perhaps more of Parr taking what his doppelganger said and relating it to the situation at hand, further stressing the importance of winning what is no doubt the biggest match in his career.

    Lizzie Rose - Once again I'm reminded why AON is one of the finest writers we have. The stuff between Lizzie and Black Widow was a great read, and I enjoyed seeing Black Widow selling Lizzie on why being so weird was endearing, that she marches to the beat of her own drum and has this unique appeal that others don't have. But then we see this doubt from Black Widow, stating that she doesn't think Lizzie has what it takes to be a fighter and Lizzie won't stand for that, disagreeing with Black Widow almost proudly as we cut to modern day and she's cutting her promo on Kleo. That doubt Black Widow had seems to creep up in the back of Lizzie's mind at first, but that's countered with Lizzie's fear of proving doubters like Black Widow correct, and even though she properly addresses Kleo for the threat that she is, fearing the girl is going to rip the arm from her socket as her grandma watches, she maintains focus and doesn't lose sight of how important this match is for her. The stuff at the end, relating the FWA to Pokemon, was fun to read and totally on brand for Lizzie. I appreciated her mentioning being separated from Gabby and part of me looks forward to seeing what Lizzie will do post-Gabs, but an even bigger part of me wants you to bring Bell Connelly in to be Lizzie's new mom and have the two of them just completely fuck up the Tag Team division, but here I go fantasy booking again.

    Eli Black - Let me get one nitpick out of the way. I am not big on large fonts in promos. Anything over a 2 and you're doing too much. This is just a personal preference for me though, and not a knock on what I found to be a very enjoyable promo. Continuing a trend that started in Konchu's promo, we have the disappointed father casting doubt on the son. I bring up the Konchu promo because there are some interesting parallels here. The Church of the 9 vs The Church of Christianity and what the father expects in terms of the son continuing a legacy, and the son having different plans in mind. I know this wasn't at all intentional so that's not a knock on the promo, just something I found too interesting to not comment on. I was happy to see the exchange between Eli and Frederick having a positive outcome in the end, with Frederick telling Eli he was proud of him, so that's where the two referenced promos really contrast. The "Stan" stuff was really great, though I worry that others that didn't enjoy it as much might feel like it broke up the flow of the promo. The ending bits are where we get some very good monologue from Eli as he puts the focus on Cyrus Truth and the North American title. The title of this chapter was "Back in Business" but it's a missed opportunity as it should have read "Black in Business" lolol. The monologue shows Eli's intent to defeat Cyrus, win the title and hopefully put Cyrus behind him and it's pretty standard stuff, although I wish the promo ended on a stronger note that really left the reader with the assumption that Black was going to definitively defeat Cyrus, as the end feels somewhat abrupt but that's just me.

    Saus X - Short and sweet, this promo had vivid scene setting and a pretty decent characterization of Eli. My main complaint is that this feels like the beginning of a promo and not the entirety promo, as it ends before it really picks up speed. I'd have liked to see more attention paid to the big title match, more attention paid to his competitors and more attention paid to Saus-X. That's not to say this was a bad promo, quite the contrary, it's a good promo that had potential to be great and that potential wasn't realized. Saus X reckoning with instances of doubt was a great foundation to build a house on, but we didn't put the roof on it.

    Reagan Cole - The two reoccurring themes at this years Back in Business are flashbacks and disappointed dads. Why does everyone in the FWA have daddy issues? Is therapy not included in the FWA's medical insurance plan? Reagan Cole obsessing over being picked at 18 in the draft didn't really jive with me. He was picked ahead of former World Champions. Though I will say that placing the frustration on Roy's side more than Reagan's was smart because it keeps Reagan's face persona in tact while allowing you to still air your grievances on the matter. I'd have liked to have seen more dialogue from Reagan than we actually get, as Roy dominates the promo, and the shift back and forth between 3 point font and 2 point didn't do anything for me from a presentation standpoint, but apart from that I think this is a solid effort that shows us where Reagan's mindset is as he heads into his match with Back in Business, I just think you'd have benefited from putting more attention on Marcus McClaine.

    Joe Burr - a tour de force in promo writing, an exemplary display in character development and an achievement in competitive creative writing that will surely stand the test of time. A star was born at Back in Business XV, no doubt.

    TxR - Jesus jumping Christ, this promo was sooooo fucking good. Everything about this promo was brilliant and it's among my favorite of the night. I am pleased as punch that I didn't have to grade these matches because looking at THIS promo and then Golden Rock's promo and trying to honestly call one of them a losing promo would have been a nightmare. I feel for the mods on this one. The opening bit was so engaging and immediately pulled me in. As someone who's been punched in the face, I was fucking on board and I was like "Why yes, yes I have. Please go on." The story of Danny getting his shit absolutely rocked by the cabbie, what that felt like in that moment, and then running away covered in his own blood and piss while being called a coward and knowing this was the last image Rachel had of him, and knowing how fucking gutted he is that there is one person out there watching him on TV that doesn't buy into the hype, holy shit Tig. This bit alone was a fucking homerun and a treat to read. Then we cut to the present, Danny and Rondo smoking a spliff and exchanging some dialogue, and this is some really solid stuff. We see that Danny is unsure of himself and worries that his 15 minutes may be coming to a close, with Rondo providing some reissuance that it isn't by way of putting everything into a perspective that is lost on Danny at the moment, reiterating that all of his doubts are nothing more than a mental trap, a construct of the mind. The chemistry between Rondo and Toner is so real and so cutting that I really do feel like these are two friends from the neighborhood who have been through the thick of it time and time again, it's all raw and organic and so well-written. I popped big time for the "Let me light this real quick" line before we get a stroll down memory lane. As Rondo comes to Danny's aid they start smoking the good stuff provided by Traffic Cone #2 while they talk about where they are in life, a broken Danny after being pummeled by a distressed boyfriend and Ryan Rondo pondering what the FWA has to offer him, they come together and chat shit about Devin Golden and Randy Ramon, emphasizing the history that the four men have with each other. The resentment that Toner has for Randy Ramon after upstaging him at every turn, I felt that shit, I believed every word of it, it was so sharp. They come together over a common goal, ending Devin Golden and Randy Ramon. I got a chuckle out of Rondo being gobsmacked at the idea of Dave Sullivan being the current FWA champion and then his further dismay in hearing that Michael Garcia was number one contender, as if the inmates were let loose to run the asylum in his absence. Rondo saying that Sulley will find a way to weasel out of the match with him if he knew it was Rondo, so opting to wear a mask, was both an excellent piece of world-building as well as a wonderful window into the perception that Dave Sullivan has had in his championship run. We get more jumps throughout the timeline that highlight the failures that Danny and Rondo have had to contend with as they have their targets still firmly set on on Devin and Randy. This was all incredibly humanizing and I'll say this much, while Golden Rock gets the nod for creativity, TxR's promo shits and pisses on there promo in terms of character development. In fact, this is some of the best character development I've ever seen in an FWA promo. This promo had it all, and you should both be proud of the efforts you've put in with this, it was a journey that I was happy to be taken on.

    Kleio De Santos -This is another one I really enjoyed. I am not a typical enjoyer of comic sanz, but much like the Sauce Man promo, it fits here. Kleio being a published author of a children's book was pretty interesting and I'll admit it caught me off guard. I liked the narrative of Kleio and Lizzie being two puppies of Gabby's litter, as it enforces the idea that many of the female rookies of the roster owe a debt to Gabby for paving the way and possibly inspiring them. Hammering the point that Lizzie was Gabby's promo was an excellent way to connect the Lizzie/Gabby relationship to the promo at hand. Comparing Lizzie to a runt that refused to grow and go, opting to remain by mother Gabby's side, was a pretty smart and compelling dig at Lizzie. The point made is that Lizzie is a scared little dog in a great big world, and I liked that. The stuff with Sulley The Great Bernard rescuing her from the dog catcher was pretty neat. The story ending with a dog fight/bark-off was an odd thing for a children's book, I will admit, but I still enjoyed the in-story story. The ending bits where Kleio is explaining the story to the kids was the best bridge to the match at hand and did a really nice job selling the fight between the two. I really like this character and I'm stoked to see where she goes post-Back in Business, separated from Sulley and on her own.

    Kayden Knox - OMB, I wasn't familar with your work in CWA, and based on your past FWA stuff I admittedly didn't think you had it in you. But after reading this promo, I can now fathom a world where you're holding championship gold atop your previous fed. This was really well written and it was a treat to see you tackle such a narrative, layered with character development and dead-serious subject matter. You really went the distance with this one, and my favorite part was the letter to Mike Garcia where you lay it all on the line. Apart from a few missed commas here and there, it's clear you paid more attention to this one than than you have your previous promos. Kayden Knox feels human, and this feels like this is truly the first step on his road to absolution and happiness.

    Michael Garcia - Back in Business: Deadbeat Dad Edition continues. I don't know if you all planned this shit or if it's because it was Back in Business fell on Father's Day but for a bunch of fathers that don't care about their sons, they all showed up for this PPV. Here we a two-for-one as this promo features both Garcia and Knox's shithead fathers. I hope OMB gave to okay to feature his characters father in this promo, because if not I'd have a big issue with it. I thought this was an interesting concept, no doubt, but I'm not quite sure about how I feel about Kayden's father being an outright child abuser and Michael Garcia sympathizing with him and bonding with him over that. Sure, I get it, Garcia is a heel, but this is one of those lines where I think crossing it requires a ton of thought. I also wasn't really pleased with Knox's father insinuating that wrestling is scripted because in the world of FWA, pro-wrestling is as real as MMA and boxing, and even if Garcia dispelled the notion, the fact that there are people in this fantasy world who think wrestling is scripted is just...weird. "Kayfabe" wouldn't be a real term in the FWA/CWA universe, if someone said it they'd just be spouting unintelligible gibberish so that was odd. There were positive aspects to this promo, I thought it was well written and Garcia's dialogue certainly seemed on brand for him, and he does a good job highlighting the fact that he hates Kayden Knox and that this isn't a wrestling match, it's a FIGHT. I will also say that the idea that Garcia is "stealing" Knox's father away from him, walking off into the sunset with their arms around each other, is pretty effective heel work, but if it was done without OMB's consent, it's a bit cheap.

    Alyster Black - Outstanding promo from RAWR as to be expected. The back-and-forth between Alyster and Dr. Smith was very engaging and it was neat to see Alyster cracking a few jokes here and there while the doctor remained as dry as can be. It was interesting to see the doctor outright call Maskell a coward after highlighting the fact that this isn't the first time he's done something like this, while then going on to say that with Devin Golden, at least Black was asking for it. I think my response would have been similar to Alyster's. I enjoyed Alyster snapping out of his trance and telling the doctor that after Devin tried to cut his heart out, he bounced back and got a W over "the greatest FWA wrestler of all time" and basically insinuated that if he could do that, then what the fuck is Dan Maskell to him? Nothing. And then to say that, if he's going to die, he would want to die in the ring, I just thought that was masterful. You get a chef's kiss for that. The 2nd half of the promo is a little more introspective as we get some internal dialogue by way some Alyster/Hunter S. Thompson hybrid and it's here were we get the meat and potatoes of this promo, with Alyster stressing his intent to punish Maskell. I am glad that this promo isn't another "Defending Gabrielle's honor" promo we get when people are paired with Maskell, you understood that this match at Back in Business was so much more than that. This promo was a pleasure to read, no doubt.

    Dan Maskell - A rather dark promo that highlights what we already knew, and that is that Dan Maskell is a grade A scumbag. But rather than shy away from that fact in an ill advised attempt to humanize the character and cater to our sympathies, Dan is embracing the darkness within in an attempt to weaponize this against Alyster Black. There is a moment where a tear streams down his face but he doesn't let that moment linger, wiping the tear away and staying in his lane, basically saying that whatever goodness Erica may see in him is something that will have to take a backseat as he needs the devil to face Alyster, he recognizes a similar devil in Alyster and opts to fight fire with fire. I think this promo would have benefited from more attention to Alyster, why he NEEDS to defeat Alyster, selling us on the importance of a Dan Maskell win at BIB and possibly pointing towards his post BIB future, but all in all this was still a great promo.


    Last edited by Jiggy; 06-22-2021 at 02:55 PM.

  17. #57
    Huggin' and Kissin'
    Tig's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Dublin
    Posts
    8,613
    Rep Power
    2948081
      Country                    Ireland

    Re: Back in Business XV | Card and Promo Discussion Thread

    GOLDEN ROCK
    Aight, so where to even begin? I guess that it’s been noted I was a little bit upset and raging over losing the main of night 1. That would be truthful lmao. It still stings a bit but it’s not a “what!? How did they win?” sort of thing, it’s a “shit … we lost” sort of thing. We poured our heart and soul into our promo and it hurts a little, I think Shawn and to a lesser extent, TGO, felt that in the Desert Storm loss and even, admirably, the first thing both men done as soon as the main was up was write into our group chat saying they were so sorry etc. and offering condolences. Class acts. They knew it was going to hurt, they’d have felt the same. It was two fantastic promos and at the risk of sounding a bit egotistical; I’m struggling to think of a bigger tag match in WC e-fed history. Could be wrong, but in terms of build, history, intensity and then the output with segments, promos and the match write-up I think we done something really special. I’m pretty proud of it. Even though I’m sore about the loss, let me set the record straight; I can’t stand here and say this promo deserved to lose. It’s a bib main-worthy promo. It’s a bib winning worthy promo. This will be always regarded as an “all time” promo, imo. Rather than beat down the path of doing the “routes”, I’m just going to touch on each chapter and why this promo is so good.

    CHAPTER 1
    The callback in this one is obvious – to the promo before Desert Storm. The parallels that can be drawn in the set-ups are a great “launch pad” for this promo, especially seeing as this is the designated return point where you “restart” your adventure. The dialogue between Golden and Ramon feels authentic and not crafted. It feels like a conversation two dudes would be having at this juncture, it doesn’t sound OTT and retains enough character tweaks and traits to feel original and distinctly them. I liked the instant highlighting of Golden/Rondo and Ramon/Toner. I like the foreshadowing about destiny, adds to the confidence of the promo. Das Boot shows your in touch with your setting and surroundings and Golden/Ramon having to chug it is an on-brand and fun segue into the next part. Good character portrayal/consistency.

    CHAPTER 2
    Devin missing the shot and having to chug Das Boot is a fun chapter. I found it the more appealing of the two on the first run-through with my thought process being – well, Devin won’t handle it as well as Randy, right? It’s the small touches like Devin “being an IPA guy” that makes you guys such good writers. It’s just a constant development of character with nearly every passage of writing. Comedic talent on display here with Golden fucking up Das Boot but the mood is generally feel-good. The description pieces are fun, light-hearted and often bring a smile to my face. I liked the Black Parade nod. Devin exploding was fun and unexpected. The light and the question of the time was perfect symbolism.

    CHAPTER 3
    Devin sinking the shot and Randy downing Das Boot set up an interesting chapter. The writing style flourishes here as does the chemistry between the two. The description of the mentor/mentee relationship leading into the Golden rib was great. I love blending serious and comedic moments even in these big matches/moments because it feels in character, it’s the exact same here and it came off splendidly. Picking up on the Black Parade stuff again is top notch stuff and man, I was wondering HOW you guys were going to make the Randy downing beer chapter REALLY interesting and the draft news coming through was just perfect. Big emotions and this Ramon rant was one of my favourite pieces of the whole promo with some real fire shown and some great points made. Golden being a little more zen and zero fucks “we just don’t lose” was fucking awesome and really fitting for this iteration of Golden. Liked the Kapoor text and nod to another one of Golden Rock’s famous promos in The Office.

    CHAPTER 4
    The sunrise option had me initially suspecting a Ramon on Toner attack but you again subverted expectations with this brilliant and, quite frankly and honestly, touching piece with Golden. Though I think the content was slightly off this was brilliant. One of the most amazing and felt pieces of writing I’ve seen from anyone. I’ve said before that sometimes it feels like RP’ers are writing to each other and for each other. This is what that felt like. It felt so real. It felt like you were saying this to me and it added so much authenticity to the piece. I thought it was class. It was very hard to disagree because you were being so honest but all that meant was when you delivered the kicker – BUT Danny’s not better than Ramon – it felt all that more impactful. You believe the words Golden says due to his brutal bluntness prior. Then of course you confirm my suspicion by asking fate to let Toner know you said that lol. Also liked the CK shot and would be hype for Golden Rock, either of them, to be the tenth shot at the streak. Big time.

    CHAPTER 5
    The sunset arc felt very raw and personal. It seemed as much about Golden’s development as it did a look at the history between Golden/Rondo through Golden’s lens. Golden’s framing of the situation is good and the idea floated that “They are so far away from that place” (= closure) is an interesting thread. It implies that BIB, for all it’s magnitude will NOT be the final dance for rondo/golden and that is definitely something that piques my interest greatly. Again, like in the Sunrise arc, Golden calling Rondo the best, this bigging up your opponent and putting them over, it’s really paying dividends in relation to Golden’s legitimacy and authenticity. It’s hard not to trust and believe every word from Golden at this point. I love the simplicity of “against me, he just can’t do it. I have the margins”. The recognition from Golden that Sunrise-Sunset may not be as great as he perceived it to be, or at least, could’ve been even better – is big. It makes you want to root for him to do it with Ramon.

    CHAPTER 6
    This is the rejecting Kelly route, which I did first time I had that option. I just wanted to see more of GR than I did Kelly or Bill Murray (tho their inclusions were fun, timely and didn’t overstay their welcome nor detract from the promo in any way). Golden’s dialogue is a fun foreshadow and a good spoiler for the attentive that some Freaky Friday shit may be underway. Ramon doing his thang from the bathroom is hella funny and I love that something small like toner being advertised in a dive in Belgium set him off. He makes some real good points and again, I feel like ramons rants are a real strong point of this promo. You rightfully put over the match and made it feel huge. You hit all the sweet points here. I loveeeeeeeeeeeee the flush thing being the transition into the switch. These little bits are my favourite parts of promos. It’s intelligent writing and if you already copped it, it’s very rewarding. Love Ramon still finishing cutting his promo as “Golden” on Toner. Very strong chapter and writing with a nod to another famous GR promo.

    CHAPTER 7
    In this chapter, where Ramon accepts Kelly’s invite, I was delighted to see that once again what I thought was going to happen (Kelly involvement) was wrong. Kelly mentioning the name Ryan allowed Ramon to get his feelings on Rondo out in the open. For those keeping track that means we’ve had Golden running down Toner AND Rondo. And now Ramon doing the same. Each getting their own chapter. Each wrinkle of the feud given the same level of respect and magnitude it deserves. Ramon’s fury by Rondo is founded and I love how you weaved recent events in the short period of time since Rondo became known into a much bigger deal to fuel Ramon’s fury. Pinning it as jealousy is an interesting angle but one you done justice through the vitriol of your words. Whereas Devin’s brutal honesty adds legitimacy to his words with Ramon, his authenticity is kind of more nuanced. Golden and Rondo have been around the block. Toner thrives on playing games and waging mental warfare. Ramon just feels like the guys that calls shit as he sees it, plain and simple. It lends massive credence to the line of attack here. Again character portrayal was brilliant and on-point throughout, the light-heartedness and “Golden Rock-ness” of the promo is retained too. Especially at the end. Rockstar ya perv. Lmao

    CHAPTER 8
    Iirc the first of the dead ends/bad endings. The recurring theme of nods to your past promos is super fun and innovative and this is continued here. Golden spikes the choice theme on the head by revealing it’s their choices, they’re in control. Or, at least, they’re in control when it matters. I though this was a very important beat to hit on and something we were trying to do in our own promo. You executed it fantastically here. The on the head callback to groundhog got a chuckle and allowed you to display some more vintage golden rock comedy. A bit of a shorter chapter but this was still jam packed with fun. Perfect for the “bad” ending.

    CHAPTER 9
    Greyhound goodness. Again, fun, light-hearted dialogue and some really good writing, especially in the comedic sense. This chapter was short but it served it’s point and purpose definitely. Got a good giggle of Golden switching back to his bodies tolerance and being floored. I also think there was an important bit of dialogue here regarding fate and destiny and it was a clever exchange.

    CHAPTER 10
    I’m opting to call this the “false” ending. It was written well, with some nice description but it was obviously the most lacking but very important to point people towards the “alternative” ending. Intelligence on display again.

    CHAPTER 11
    NOW PAY ATTENTION! This is the shit. This is the crown jewel on an epic promo. This chapter rules. The not knowing where they were going, the uncertainty about whether this was the “right” decision and “right” path remaining to be seen and then …

    Jeeeeeeeeez

    LaVon fucking Davis.

    If ya’ll ain’t sold on the intricacies and brilliance of this promo yet – this cat, LaVon, he was a character in the beginning of TxR Desert Storm promo. He was a gang-banger in Tonerville that got taken out by Toner and Rondo. This is just A-Class story-telling to be bringing him back from OUR promo, in a promo that’s webbed out to callback to YOUR promos to put the finishing touch on this classic. Blowing up fucking Tonerville. Tonerville is often accepted as a “state of being/mind” especially for Rondo/Toner but depicted as a physical place. Blowing it up literally and metaphorically was class. Super stuff. Just the perfect ending and I think it’s gone overlooked that this is a direct parallel to our title-winning “Dupe.” promo ending where Rondo and Toner machine gunned down Golden Rock and Princeton. This whole thing has been like a fucking gangster epic.

    What a ride. What a thrill. This must be my fifth time reading the promo. Congratulations boys. The WORLD Tag Team Champions. Worthy ones at that. Do us proud. Thanks for what im sure will be my “career” feud. You guys are the best and I loved the whole experience of working with you for the year.

    Until we meet again, lads.

    Tig x


    3X World Tag Team Champion (w/Christian Quinn, w/Randy Ramon & w/Ryan Rondo)
    1X Gauntlet Champion



    JOIN THE FWA!

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •