View Poll Results: Whose Card is Better?

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  • BattleTank

    2 40.00%
  • Dustin DeWinde

    3 60.00%
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Thread: BATTLECARD 2 -- Round #2 -- BattleTank v Dustin DeWinde

  1. #1
    SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT

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    BATTLECARD 2 -- Round #2 -- BattleTank v Dustin DeWinde

    BATTLETANK


    -This flyer was printed in black and white instead of color because color ink costs more than my rent-


    -A 45 second promo…because we can’t afford anything longer-


    BattleTank sits in front of his phone, hair all disheveled. His beard is longer than the last time we saw him in the summer, in fact, his neckbeard could win a contest right now... He heads over to his empty fridge and gulps the last of his bottle of orange juice…

    “You’re probably wondering how I got here. The last time you saw me, I was on top of the world. I rented out the famous and prestigious Convention Hall and put on the summer card of a lifetime.”

    The famous East Coat promoter, BattleTank, grabs the gate money from War at the Shore. He quickly heads to his car. Instead of doing the responsible thing and depositing it straight into the bank, he has different plans….

    Instead, he purposely misses the street to lead him home, and finds himself on the Garden State Parkway heading South. “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N Roses blasts inside the car as BattleTank does 100 mph on his way to Atlantic City…

    After a long four months of losing on every game inside the spacious and inviting Hard Rock Casino, BattleTank heads back to his car for the first time in ages, only to find cement blocks where his wheels used to be!

    “Aw shit…what happens now?”

    BattleTank says to himself as he scratches his head, trying to figure out what to do next…

    A terribly edited voiceover begins its cue a few seconds too early…

    “THIS SUNDAY- BE THERE! INSIDE THE VACANT BUILDING OPPOSITE OF THE LIQUOR STORE…BATTLETANK PRO WRESTLING PRESENTS…”

    The promo abruptly cuts off…because BattleTank ran over his time and never looked over the tape before sending it to the local news affiliate…


    BATTLETANK PRO WRESTLING PRESENTS:

    “Let’s Party Until The Lights Go Off…No Seriously…We’re In A Vacant Building!”

    BattleTank Pro Wrestling World Championship
    Kenny Omega vs. Tyson Kidd vs. Apollo Crews

    One lucky competitor will walk out of the vacant building…in a match that will have to go on early because it is the only one people paid money for…with the highly coveted, richest prize in all of New Jersey- the BTPW World Championship!

    Made out of tin foil fresh from the freezer, toothpicks, duct tape and cardboard from an Amazon box sitting in my driveway (because I still haven’t figured out which day the garbage men will take it) this highly detailed Championship belt will go to one of these three talented men!

    Since we can’t afford any of these highly talented superstars, the two losers will be forced to leave BTPW forever! We hope this stipulation won’t cause these three to try and lose on purpose...

    Pick Your Poison Match- Fatal Four Way
    Shotzi Blackheart vs. Josh Matthews vs. Sick Nick Mondo vs. Al Snow

    In this Pick Your Poison Match, each competitor will be able to bring their weapon of choice to the ring. The twist- they are not allowed to use that weapon once the bell rings!

    BattleTank was kind enough to write down the weapons each superstar will be bringing to the ring, albeit on the back of an overdue water bill…

    Shotzi Blackheart- Shotzi will be bringing her tank with her. How anybody will be able to use it as a weapon is still a mystery…

    Josh Matthews- The esteemed voice of pro wrestling will be bringing with him his secret weapon- a nice hot cup of tea! All superstars sign a waiver stating that BTPW is not liable for any bodily harm, so hopefully the tea cools off before it is used!

    Sick Nick Mondo- One of the cornerstones of the death match scene is bringing with him a Weed-whacker! There is no grass in the building (we don’t count that other type), so this weapon will hurt like hell. We hope Nick doesn’t expect us to fill it with gas!

    Al Snow- Due to litigations against BTPW from a rival promotion running a card the same night which will have Al Snow’s trusted mannequin Head booked to appear, Al Snow has opted to go the cliché route- and is bringing with him a snow shovel! Al Snow let us know that the snow shovel will be filled with rock salt and chunks of blacktop as he expects to use it to dig out of his driveway to make it to the show on time!

    You’re Not Funny!
    Andy Kaufman vs. Dan Severn

    Dan Severn is a true bad ass. Andy Kaufman is not. Dan Severn has been around a long time and doesn’t find Andy Kaufman funny in the least bit, and will look to slap the smile right off of his face in this headline matchup!

    “This punk tried to make a name for himself in MY profession. I’m one of the old guard, and I’ll show him what it’s like to be stretched!”- A quote from Dan Severn left on BattleTank’s voicemail…

    We tried to convince Kaufman to do a stand-up routine before the show, but naturally, he declined…

    “You Can Run…but You Can’t Hide!
    IRS vs. Nunzio

    In a feud as old as time, Nunzio- a well-known connected man within the Northeast- will square up with his biggest rival- no, not Fat Tony from the other side of town, but the immortal IRS! Nunzio hasn’t paid his taxes in years, as he works out of the back room of a Pork Store in North Jersey by the name of Satriale’s! He’s been receiving letters in the mail from the IRS for decades, but instead uses those said letters to package his pork!

    Irwin R. Schyster, who has chartered a private plane from Washington D.C. (we won’t be reimbursing him for his travels) makes his way to NJ to get his hands on Nunzio. IRS loves to collect whenever he can, so he will have his working boots on for this one. If IRS is able to win the match, Nunzio will have to pay back-taxes dated all the way back to 1999. If Nunzio wins, IRS will be forced to erase Nunzio’s name from the IRS database forever!

    It’s Showtime…Kind of…
    “Sting” vs. Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer

    A last ditch effort to sell tickets saw BTPW promote “Sting” to appear on the card. This man will look as much like Sting as you did on Halloween in 1998! “Sting” also goes by the name of Jeff Farmer, which would confuse the shit out of everybody in attendance, as his opponent is also named Jeff Farmer! The checkout line at the Farmer’s Market will be as long as a magical beanstalk, Nigel!

    Handicap Match
    Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker & Lt. James Earl Wright vs. Chuck Palumbo

    C’mon, you think we were dishing out money for a full tag team match? There’s a craps table with my name on it, and if I have to decide between that and a full tag team match, well, you’re all getting a Handicap Match! Maybe Chuck Palumbo will bring his LexFlexer with him…

    Shawshank Redemption!
    Crush vs. Nailz

    Shaka Brah! The world famous Crush, a trusted friend and ally of BattleTank from their days in the 90’s when Crush was on top of the world as Intercontinental Champion, has agreed to wrestle for free against the menacing Nailz! Nailz has just escaped prison with help from his friend Red, and somehow ended up in New Jersey! The police will be on standby to arrest Nailz following this match, only because we plan on using the cash reward for his arrest to pay him…



    v




    DUSTIN DEWINDE


    BBW: Big Brother Wrestling
    proudly presents
    BROTHERMANIA





    For the first time ever, professional wrestling will take place live from the backyard of the Big Brother House! And this time the stakes are even bigger than world titles. The scheduled card has been shown to the houseguests, and they have each made their predictions for the matches. Whichever houseguest gets the most predictions correct will become the Head of Household! Who will win this HOH competition? Who will make it out of Brothermania with a win on their record in one of the most unique wrestling spectacles of all time? Who is ready to rumble? Find out all this, and more, on April 1st, only by subscribing to Paramount+, available on March 4th.

    BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!!!!!

    Our contestants have seen the match card. Their predictions are set. Now it is time for you, the viewer, to discover just what the card will be as well!


    OPENING MATCH


    THE KISS DEMON vs. DAWN MARIE
    SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: SHANIQUA


    If Gene Simmons was a wrestler, he would be The KISS Demon. And Dawn Marie is one of the sexiest divas to ever step inside a wrestling ring, and may very well rank right up there as one of the hottest women to enter the Big Brother House. But that's just the start of things, as they will surely get hot hot hotter than Hell with a special guest referee Shaniqua! As an added incentive to this match, the winner will get to spend the night with Shaniqua in the secret Big Brother House BDSM room! Will Shaniqua suffer the same fate as the late Al Wilson? Or will she force The KISS Demon to lick it up? Find out April 1st on Paramount+!


    TITLE MATCH


    SCOTT VICK vs. KILLING THE BUSINESS
    DDT 24/7 Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship Match



    During the auditions to determine which wrestlers would be selected to compete on the prestigious first ever BBW Brothermania, there was a long wait during some of the process. Scott Vick, formerly known to many WCW fans as Scotty Riggs, forgot to charge his phone that day. After it died, he saw a book in the waiting room entitled Killing the Business. Naturally, he thought that it was a book that would go into great detail about the infamous Katie Vick angle. With nothing better to do, he decided to start reading it, looking to see if he would finally discover the truth behind what the WWE creative team had planned for him when they hired him so many years ago. After reading the self-indulgent tome, and not seeing one mention of the mannequin sodomy storyline, he threw the book at the wall and challenged it to a match. Little did he know, current DDT 24/7 Ironman Heavymetalweight Champion Killing the Business was also there on that fateful day looking to audition. The timing was perfect, as the producers had just walked out of the room after interviewing (and quickly denying) former backyard wrestler Dustin DeWinde. They saw the toss, they saw the challenge, and more importantly, they saw the championship belt. Immediately, without even auditioning, the producers knew this was a match that people would pay good money to see, and they booked it on the spot. Subscribe now to Paramount+ so you won't miss a second of the action on April 1st, and find out whether the autobiography ends up lying flat on its spine for the 3 count, or if Scott Vick will become just another chapter to be written in the sequel.


    CARD TRICKS VS. MAGIC TRICKS


    THE GAMBLER vs. PHANTASIO
    Loser Can Never Touch Another Card In His Life


    There has been much debate in the magician's community as to which tricks are the best. There is the ease and accessibility of the card tricks to factor in, which many feel make the magicians who excel in such trickery the best due to them having to constantly come up with new ways to show off the same old cards. The other side of that coin is that the illusionists can use just about any objects in the world, and are only limited by their creativity, and are therefore the best. The world may never know the answer to this question, but the houseguests and the viewers watching on Paramount+ might possibly get closer to determining which side of magic is the most magical on April 1st. That's when it will be card player and trickster extraordinaire, The Gambler, will try his luck against the ultimate illusionist, Phantasio! The Gambler is so confident in his hand, that he has decided to go all in and wager that if he loses to a silly illusionist, he'll never touch a single card in his life again. And Phantasio called! (although it was not with words, but rather a weird trick, when he asked for a volunteer at the auditions and proceeded to remove their underwear without removing their pants, and showing off that someone's mom had written "I accepto!" on the waistband.) Don't fold on this pair aces, ORDER NOW!


    THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE


    VAL VENIS vs. RORY MCALLISTER


    In what turned out to be a very eventful casting call, former pornstar-turned-wrestler Val Venis was initially given the shaft after his audition went south. Mr. Venis was upset... for about 5 seconds, before going into the bathroom, smoking a joint, and getting back to being a crazy person on social media. When he came out from the bathroom, he noticed a very sexy set of legs in a red skirt. Never one to turn away from action, Venis approached the skirted pair of legs from behind. According to eyewitnesses, Venis was heard telling the figure, "Hellooooo, lady! What are you doing wasting your time with this casting call, when you could be auditioning on the casting couch with the Big Valbowski." Venis was cock-shocked when to his surprise, the lady turned around and was not a lady at all, but rather Rory McAllister in his signature kilt! "Give me a match with him at Brothermania so I can teach him a lesson, or I'm filing sexual harassment charges on this whole place!" Not wanting to put the show, the producers, or the launch of Paramount+ in jeopardy, the producers booked the match without hesitation. Who will cum come out on top, the high or the Highlander? Find out April 1st!


    THE ULTIMATE FIGHT


    THE QUESTION MARK vs. KUNG FU NAKI
    Mixed Martial Arts Rules Match




    UFC? Who needs that when you can get all of your MMA needs from BBW? It's been a question since the beginning of time: which martial art form is the best? It has been narrowed down over the years, and on April 1st LIVE on Paramount+, the two most dominant martial arts styles collide to once and for all decide: which style is more devastating? Will it be master of The Crane Kick, and former Smackdown Number 1 announcer, Kung Fu Naki, representing kung-fu? Or will the question be answered with another question? The Question Mark, to be exact. Can the master and sensei of Mongrovian Karatayyy, and former fight coordinator for Shogun in Malibu, put away the slightly smaller Kung Fu Naki with his patented Mongrovian Spike? With wrestling rules thrown out the window, this one is sure to be an intense pure MMA bout that will be more highly anticipated and closely contested than a McGregor/Poirier rematch. Rocky IV, eat your heart out. Two rival nations clash on April 1st! Japan vs. Mongrovia! Kung-Fu vs. Karate! Naki vs. Mark! You do NOT want to miss this one!


    WEE-LC 2


    EL TORITO vs. PELLE PRIMEAU vs. MARKO STUNT
    The Smallest Match Just Got... Bigger?


    If all three men in this match stood on top of each other, they'd be about the same height as one of the ladders. If all three men jumped off the top rope onto a table, the table probably wouldn't even notice. But if you combine the size of the hearts of these three men, it'd be bigger than the headache you'd get from being hit with an unprotected chairshot! Lucky for them, and perhaps even luckier for the fans, these three men will put those statements to the test as all three objects will not only be legal, they will be encouraged! And unlike the first WeeLC match, this one will be contested under ladder match rules! What will be hanging above the ring on April 1st, exclusively seen on Paramount+? Well it wouldn't be Big Brother if it wasn't the Golden Power of Veto! Yes, that's right! These three men will not only be competing for bragging rights. Any houseguest who correctly predicts the outcome of this match will be competing later in the week in a Power of Veto competition. And those who predict wrong? Well, they'll have to spend the week dressed as leprechauns! Things could get interesting, to say the least. Will the houseguests take advantage of the no disqualification rules to try and tip the scales in their favor? Or will they be too afraid of the supreme athletes, despite the tallest of the three only standing at 5'7"? It's perhaps the biggest and smallest match ever, and the only way to see it for yourself is to tune in to BBW Brothermania!


    REALLY REAL REALITY


    SNOOKI vs. DENNIS RODMAN
    Jersey Girl vs. Bad Boy






    In the semi-main event of the evening, it will be what could possibly be the most dramatic showdown in reality TV history when Snooki (famous for her role on Jersey Shore, coming soon to Paramount+) takes on the original bad boy, Dennis Rodman. Neither one is a stranger to professional wrestling, and both are veteran reality TV show contestants. At BBW Brothermania, the playing field will be as level as they ever have been between these two. The NBA Hall of Famer may have a distinct size and experience advantage, having not only wrestled multiple times in WCW, but also winning in Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. However, at close to 60 years old, is The Worm still in peak physical shape? Or will Snooki, at nearly half Rodman's age, rock it and be the fist-pumping young bird who puts him down for the count? The two have been going at it back and forth on TikTok for weeks now, with each competitor claiming that they would have beaten the other if they were in the same season of Celebrity Apprentice. Although that argument may never be settled, one thing is for shore: these two will stop at nothing to make sure that they will have beaten the other in a professional wrestling ring.


    WHO MADE AMERICA GREATER?


    JOHN CENA vs. DONALD TRUMP
    Make America Grapple Again Flag Match




    It has all led to this. The main event of the evening on April 1st, streaming live on Paramount+ from the backyard of the Big Brother House. At BBW Brothermania, it's not about smacking down your vote, it's about smacking down your opponent. On Parler, former United States President, Donald Trump, has recently declared John Cena as enemy number 1 on his list of enemies. Cena, ever the humble man, decided not to respond to this, hoping it would all just blow over and he could get back to his multiple movie, music, wrestling, cooking, dancing, and philanthropic endeavors. Trump took it one step further, though, declaring himself the "most greatest United States Champion that the entire world has ever seen." Cena, confused as to why he referred to the presidency as a championship, responded by calling Vince McMahon, the owner of WWE who had recently let Cena out of his contract due to "budgetary measures", to make sure that this wasn't just another rib. When Mr. McMahon confirmed that this was no rib, Cena took to social media to respond to Mr. Trump's challenge, in a way that only John Cena can. Dressed in a throwback Patriots jersey and a BLM cap, Cena delivered what many are considering his best, and most important, battle rap yet:

    Yo yo yo yo.
    Listen up Trump, cuz I'm only gonna say this once.
    Why you doggin' on me, it's Biden who beat you, man, get your panties outta that bunch.
    Look, I know you think you losin' is a bunch of fake news.
    The only thing fake here is your wacky ass hairdos.
    You say you can beat me in a wrestling match? Well then step up to the 16 time champ.
    Step up slowly though, or you might get a tummy cramp.
    Your boy Vinnie Mac can't save you this time, I ain't in the WWE.
    But I got no problem beating you at Brothermania, 'cause bitch you still can't see me.
    Whether it's the Cena of old that shows up, or the Cena of new,
    I'm doing it for America when I give you a big FU.
    So at Brothermania, we do it old school, the winner's the one who grabs the flag.
    And I'll proudly wave the stars and stripes after I put you in a bodybag.
    Make America great again? It never stopped being great, only you did, Donnie boy.
    You've done less important things for these people than a Bonnie Rotten sex toy.
    We're through with you, Trump, go away, get lost, skedaddle.
    On April 1st live on Paramount+, it'll be your last battle.
    Diamond upside down is a pussy, Donald upside down is a duck.
    Bring your Russians, your racist buddies, anyone you want, I'll beat them too, 'cause THE CHAMP IS HERE and right now I just don't give a..."

    Despite numerous attempts by his advisors to step away from the challenge, Mr. Trump has signed his name on the contract and promises Mr. Cena, Big Brother Wrestling, and all of his loyal supporters that he will not only be competing in the main event at Brothermania, but that he will grab the American flag and "win back the America that he never lost." Will Donald Trump be able to do it on his own, or will he bring some friends as his opponent suggested? Will John Cena be too worn down from the 3 scheduled Make-A-Wish appearances he will be making the morning of the showdown to back up his words? Or will he overcome the odds and rise above hate, proving that he, much like America, never gives up? There's only one way to find out! Don't miss a single minute of the once in a lifetime action, with exclusive covfefe of the entire BBW Brothermania event, LIVE and only on Paramount+!








    Spoiler:

    Never Forget:

    Spoiler:


  2. #2
    What A Maneuver!
    BattleTank's Avatar

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    Re: BATTLECARD 2 -- Round #2 -- BattleTank v Dustin DeWinde

    Very well deserved win, Dustin. Congrats and best of luck in the finals.

    Kicking myself because we all know that giving you Pelle Primeau was the game changer

  3. #3
    Mid-Card Champion
    Dustin Makes Me Feel Good's Avatar

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    Re: BATTLECARD 2 -- Round #2 -- BattleTank v Dustin DeWinde

    Lol. Thank you, my friend. It was certainly a close one. I am honestly just proud of myself for actually beating a BTB legend in a booking competition. Never expected that.

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