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Thread: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

  1. #21
    Bo Dallas Mark
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by Move Mitch Get Out The Way View Post
    Actually nvm just saw that Blaine already promoed
    Oh sorry lol.
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  2. #22
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by Blaine View Post
    Oh sorry lol.
    First you voted for him in RR now this.


  3. #23
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    Re: Promo Review

    Quote Originally Posted by Comeback Kid View Post
    SAINT SULLEY
    Overview
    Saint Sulley journeys into the South American rainforest for a TV special alongside Discovery Channel royalty, Bindi Irwin. For this special, Saint Sulley and Bindi explore the river banks of the rainforest for the colorful, alluring, colorful frogs that are known to inhabit. They spot a frog that is beautiful to look at, but its beauty is a warning to not disturb or attempt to turn it into prey because it will end in a deadly manner for you. They encounter another beautiful frog that mimics the deadly beauty of the previous frog, but in the end the deadly beauty of this frog is all for show. This frog is essentially imitating its deadlier counterpart to make up for the fact that it's harmless. What a fascinating biology/science lesson! The special comes to a close with the discovery of the Jaguar - a top of the food chain predator and inference of that this animal is the one in the South American rainforest that closely resembles who Sulley is in the FWA.

    Thoughts
    I think this is a great RP, however I don't think it's the RP that could/should net you the "W" in the main-event of a pay-per-view. This RP would have been perfect for a match on Fight Night or against an opponent that you didn't have that much history with. You and Gabby have been building this feud for two years and I feel like the RP you produced doesn't do it justice. I would like to have seen Sulley go harder and would like to have seen more of a real-world, raw vibe to this RP. It just doesn't scream main-event, major feud, world title RP to me.

    Sulley is calm and doesn't view Gabrielle as a threat. Sulley is pulling a McGregor and underestimating his opponent by going and doing all types of media and trying to be a star. Sulley is focusing on other people when his mind should be focused on the task at hand. I don't care about MVH when Sulley isn't feuding with her. I get what you were doing drawing the comparison between the two, but it didn't need to be done. You essentially put over MVH and at this time, in this feud, for this match, she's a non factor.

    I think you did a good RP, I just don't think this was the match that you should have used it for. This RP should have been a stamp on your reign/claim to being one of the best and I just didn't see it.
    Thank you for your in depth review. I liked your style of recapping it. I wasn't sure whether to use this idea now or save it for later. I thought it could work well against MvH, Gabrielle, or it could've been a Kleio promo if I wanted it to. I liked the idea well enough though that I decided to use it this week. I hope you're off the mark about it not being top tier enough to win, but we'll see. I really wanted to try and flesh out some different approaches as opposed to relying solely on some creative pop culture reference. Of course with Bindi and the TV show it does a little bit, but I mostly wanted the emphasis on the metaphor with the frogs.

    Fun story, I actually got the idea at work through my psych job. I have a kid who's SUPER into amphibians and reptiles. I show him pictures of different reptiles when he's upset, and then he teaches me about them. He taught me about how the colorful frogs indicate danger, and then he told me about the ones that mimic the poison frogs with colors but aren't actually dangerous. I used this as an opportunity to call him out, and compared him to the frog because he is definitely a kid who acts out with all sorts of behaviors (or is colorful). But he's really a big softie on the inside and not dangerous at all. It's the same concept as with the frogs...it's a defense mechanism. I see it so much with kids, especially those with trauma. So I wanted to make a promo out of it.

    I find the similarity between people and animals so fascinating. Especially the parts about survival and evolution. At our cores, we really are so primal. It's such a fascinating design.

  4. #24
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Anyone who properly reviews my promo will receive a proper review in return. Scouts honor.







    Spoiler:


  5. #25
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I read the tag title promos yesterday and thought the standard was rather obscenely high there. Starting with Tig's, I liked and found a lot of humour in the set-up, outside LV's office, and then the Orange Incan Kush (which I asked my dealer and alas he hasn't stocked it since 2003) was pretty hilarious. The actual meat of the promo in Tonerville was phenomenal, and maybe the best of Tig's work that I've read to date. It felt like a much more fully realised fictional world than most (and we are seeing quite a lot of these atm, but I cannot claim innocence there) and I really got the impression of being in a Neo-noir at the beginning, almost as much as I did in the Buddy Cops trilogy. I found the opening scenes reminiscent of the climactic chaos of Chinatown which is nothing but a complement. Final hints were fun and the last scene before we cut back to the present day and the Incan Kush fallout was a real kick to the gut. I thought this was a top-tier promo, particularly in the fields of Quality of Content and Character department.

    With the Ramon/Golden tandem, I liked the way in which the two promos interlinked and I found it justified the word length in this manner because I felt I was reading two linked but different pieces, as opposed to one absolute behemoth. I think you've tried a similar kind of technique before but I feel it worked extremely well here, especially considering the promos seemed to both follow similar themes, formats, and structures but felt distinct enough at the same time. Sort of like separate episodes of a TV show or periodical, I guess. I liked the themes of finality and closure which I read into both of the promos. The Ramon-Toner rivalry is obviously a hugely interesting one and I am glad that you did indeed discuss a lot of the history behind the feud without making it feel like a lecture or a lesson. The structure of this was interesting and did well to hammer home the central themes I alluded to earlier. I felt that perhaps at times there wasn't quite enough to deliver us from one section of the promo to the next, and at times it did feel a little bit like a half-dozen skits. Perhaps this abrupt shifting was a deliberate choice given that one of the main ideas seems to surround time and the passing thereof, but I did find it somewhat jarring. One thing I did like in this and especially when contrasted to what Tig posted is the huge differences in the two characters' outwards emotions centring on the upcoming match. Whilst Toner seemed somewhat flippant and almost obnoxiously so about the battle with Ramon, I think the dreamscape you created here showed us that this is not something that is true of Ramon. I am glad that the focus of this promo and the Golden one was almost exclusively the Toners even given the perhaps divided focus of the champions so far. I loved the Golden promo, and thought it was outstanding work. I had it as the best of the three. I think a lot of the themes here are similar to in Shawn's but they seem much more expansive and not beholden to one opponent and one feud. I thought this was a very emotional, nostalgic, and at times melancholic piece of work and I think you hit just the right tone in terms of sentiment. I don't have to much to say about the Golden promo other than that I think it's the best of the seven or so that I've read on the card.


  6. #26
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    MvH - It seems weird saying one of your promos is my favorite of all time, because I feel like each one is different and sets a new bar each time in totally unique ways, but I have to say I think this one is one of my favorites of all time from you. You're one of the few people who is so versatile that you can write a totally different style of promo than what you just won on last week, and still hit the bar high. Where as some of us myself included are more one trick ponies. This promo I personally feel nails every category. Quality of Content as I've said before is one of your biggest qualities, as the writing is some of the most professional week in and week out that I could read. I've said it before, but I think you and Devin Golden are the two handlers who are probably closest to published novel level of writing that we have. The world building here is off the charts and reminds me of some of the classic Cyrus or Sulley promos from the last couple of years. Particularly it reminds me of Cyrus' promo from Desert Storm last year which was set in medieval times. The western setting works, and you did a solid job of incorporating all of the events going on in the FWA and attributing them to the story. I will say that I agree with some of the previous comments in that I felt the main narrative of this was too focused on Bell, and not enough on Mike Parr...where in with everything Parr has done, I felt like he deserved a little bit more attention in the story. This is hopefully going to pay off though in an eventual Bell rematch so we'll see how it goes. The narrative of the story did a great job of recapping events, and Michelle's real life investigation. Bell IS important for the character development portion of the story, as it really sheds light into how MvH is feeling after that loss to her. The theme of the sheriff being too scared of confrontation fits, but the ending left me feeling off. If she were to arrest Mr. Parr here, it'd have really pushed the story, but instead you left it more open. I get the reasons why, but I feel that definitely watered down the theme of the story for me.

    JJJ: I said it before when I reviewed a promo some shows back, that the fourth wall breaking was clever once but if it was a consistent thing it could take much away. This was more of a ranting shoot on the inner workings of the e-fed, and not so much a RP on your opponent. While your criticisms are very much heard, I feel like you would have been better off expressing them in a different way so that it didn't take away from your match. Please note as well, you are free to send in your entrances for any show at any point, even if you aren't writing a match or a segment. Usually the match writers are tasked with writing the entrances, and I agree they can be sort of copy and paste at times, but that's because sometimes we're doing some for every match on the card. When we have six man tag team matches, it's hard to write six individualized entrances. Something we can get better on of course, but again feel free to send in your own if you want something specific. The shoot on JJJ himself was a solid approach at self reflection, but the fourth wall breaking still throws it off. There was a lot of solid points made here, but I feel like the way they were expressed made this one feel off.

    Grayson: This was short, but the raw emotion can be felt here through your writing and your words. It's some of the deepest stuff I've seen you write, and it really hits home the Gerald's inner struggles. This felt authentic and real, and I think it will give Grayson a lot to build off of win or lose.

    The UA: This was a simple yet fun read. I enjoyed the acknowledgement that Golden Rock did do something very similar early on, as it almost negates the fact that UA is copying them when you acknowledge it. The back and forth between Savage and Fenix here also seems more lively than usual, and I enjoy their witty banter. The caricatures of your opponents were great parodies, and The UA making fun of them made me chuckle, but I don't know if they particularly make great points for how they're better in the ring. The Jim from the office reference was funny as well, although it's a slippery about whether or not we should be consistently pretending like our base pics are also their real life equivalents. I did it recently when referncing Sulley's old base pic being the guy from Suits, but I'd probably never acknowledge Conor McGregor or the fact that he exists, and wouldn't particular care for Conor McGregor being referenced in an opponent's promo either. But this is light enough, and wasn't a direct reference to John Kraskinski, only a character played by him, so it's passable.

    Konchu - This was different than your usual style as it's definitely more monologed based, but in a good way. I'll say that I'm not sure if I'm a particular fan of the short sound effect of foot steps at the beginning. I feel like this is something that could be done better with descriptive words, and you do that to an extent, but the video takes away from details you could've added in yourself. I feel like in your main meat of the promo you made some good points against both Jay and Grayson. I particular liked this paragraph "That's right, James. You think for one second you have any control of your life? Of the decisions you make? You think you CHOOSE to be this annoying little retch obsessed with chaos for chaos's sake? My poor dumb adversary...you can't see that you've already made these decisions. You've made both the choices you chose and the ones you didn't! Every potential outcome, every random tangent born of chaos and possibility has been made by you...or at least, the multitude of yous out there in the multiverse? There's nothing special about you. You are not a unique little snowflake, regardless of what your deranged, diseased mind wants to think. The fact that you consider me a poor facsimile of you is utterly laughable! You...you are the worst aspects of myself, an unmastered joke parading around spouting off nonsense that only a fool would find remotely engaging. " It reminds me of that moment in a TV show where one character just totally nails all the negative aspects of another. While there are definitely positive and fun aspects to the Jay character, it's not your job to point those out. Your job is to destroy him, and I feel like you did that pretty well. Almost too well.

    Moore - Wow, this was dark and deep right from the get go. But with that said, it's some of the best stuff you've ever written! We really get an inside look at the Donovan Moore backstory, something that was much needed. One thing I'll say is I feel like each section could have been just a little longer, and probably could have been with more scene setting and details. The other gripe I have is that I feel like it took way to long to get the focus to the match and Moore's opponents. It felt like this was in two parts, backstory and present day. Where as if we had them mixed in together it might've played out more smoothly. Moore is going to come out of this either way with a great backstory to build off of, and some great direction. I can see your promos improving with each show and I'm excited to see where they go.

    Devin Golden - I feel like it took you WAY to long to do a promo on this, with as much as you talk about the song. There is something about your narration here that feels special in a way I can't describe. It comes off sloppy and ramblish, but in a way that you can tell it's designed that way. Because I pick up on the intention, it works. Had I missed the intention and just though you through this together, it wouldn't. Maybe I am wrong and you did just throw this together, but I generally get a different vibe. Particular what made me think this was the narration on what city Golden was at the bar in, and how halfway through it came on like a lightbulb. Golden's story about his "last" match also hits hard for me, because I just KNOW it's you speaking through Golden, and I can remember that match in 2015 myself and remember some of the things you were saying about it at the time. It was a special moment, and it still feels special even after Golden came out of retirement. Presentation wise, your ability to break up each section in a unique way is noted. There's nothing that separates each chapter other than the small song lyrics that are left aligned, but it's enough to let us know that we're transitioning to a different chapter. It's a subtle yet effective sign post, and I feel like that's something most of us struggle with. What I wasn't prepared for was how much deeper this got, and the clear parallel between Devin Golden, you, and a complicated inner struggle. There's parts of the final lines here that I won't go into details with here, but it put a lightbulb off in my head about how much more important this match is to Devin than many others might realize. The development here was strong, and perhaps one of your bests yet...which is saying something because I feel like character development has been one of your biggest strong suits since coming back, and for a character that's 13 years old that's impressive.

    Randy Ramon - Just have to say, doing two promos with the same theme for a tag team promo is really brilliant. You took one song and told two different stories off of it. I don't know if I've ever seen two people be able to collaborate with each other as a tag team rp group as well as you two have, including the likes of Vodka and Venom. Taking the same convo from Golden's promo but putting it in a totally different point of view just hit me well. Randy definitely has a history with Danny, and to go back to the roots of that was needed and you did it well. This promo had a very similar layout to Devin's, but yet very different. This felt more psychedelic, and the time theme really worked well. These two promos complimented each other well due to their very similar but very different themes, that both come around to both characters ready for the end. Devin ready for the end of his career, and Randy ready for the end of his feud with Danny. And us at the audience wanting more of both.

    Danny Toner - I enjoyed the beginning segment of this first of all, because you built off of the Fight Night scene and made something of it that we don't see behind the scenes. This is a creative approach to a promo that still keeps it very wrestling grounded and not too crazy with world building or story, but yet isn't some generic locker room promo or in ring rant. It's creative yet simple at it's finest, and it actually builds off the show and feels like it's contributing content that means something. That's something that is acknowledged and even appreciated. This had a similar layout of the Golden Rock promos where they get wasted and go off into some deep shit. Here is where some legit world building comes in, and holy shit is this a GTA promo? SS goes Red Dead Redemption, but Danny Toner coming in with the GTA. You transition well into your attack here on Golden and Ramon, as well as keeping other characters in the FWA relevant. The ending was thematic and brilliant, and I liked the song choice at the end as it's totally fitting. Just want to let you know I haven't tallied up my grades yet as I type this and I don't know who wins between you and Golden Rock, but this was a main event quality promo. Win or lose, this was a winner. This was a world title winner, and in fact I think it probably would've beaten anyone else on the roster if it doesn't beat Golden Rock.

  7. #27
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    MvH Two things I'll get out of the way first; I think you're the best writer in the FWA today.

    And secondly; I do agree with CBK's point about promos tending to get away from actually being a promo at times and more just being a story. But that said I still loved this piece and I really enjoy promos like this. Its a fun read seeing where Gabby pops up in an alternate reality. Or Cyrus, or Sulley, or MvH, or whoever else. Showcasing these characters we all know so well in a different light.

    But I've raised the point before that I feel like someone who came along now and just wanted to do straight up wrestling promos would struggle because creativity has become such a big thing in FWA now. But this coming from someone who wrote a Supernatural ep as a promo this week.

    I hope you don't take it as a critique of your work or anything, its more just an overall point. Creative writing is fun, but at its core FWA is still a Wrestling efed and I feel like we're getting away from that a bit.

    The World you crafted for this promo was very impressive to say the least. I could picture every scene. You just did a fantastic job of capturing and crafting this Western Masterpiece. The gruffness or coarseness of all the characters was perfect. It really felt like a Western as I was reading it. This is ultimately the sort of promo truly makes me feel your writing is as good as we have in the FWA. You dont have to be overly descriptive or pad things out. You just write in such a way and such a style depending on the promo. The speech patterns in this are what really makes it, and really sells it. Its written in a certain way. Its not a modern Western, its a classic Western if you get what I mean. Every word is very purposeful and said for a reason. The few FWA characters inserted into these roles all suited what they were doing.

    Despite what I said at the beginning of this, at the end of this promo I want to see more of this World. I want see more of Sherrif MvH, Saloon Owner Ms Montgomery, and Mr. Parr, and any other characters to exist in this World. Its a really, fun and really engaging read.
    Credit to Comeback Kid for the GFX

  8. #28
    Bo Dallas Mark
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Peacock ~

    Oh my god where to even start? You do your best outside of a 1000 word cap. I loved the concept of you using the 5 stages of grief to tell a story from losing the Gauntlet Title. It's a great way to introduce us to more of his personality, and how his emotions work. The BARGAINING section was easily my favorite part. Seeing Peacock desperate to get back his title was amazing, and it had me wanting Peacock to get his title back even though he works better not in the division. The sorta fourth-wall break representing the forum didn't hit it as hard for me. Adding the sixth stage just to cut a promo on everyone was great. Overall, great promo. 8/10 for me, definitely my promo of the night.
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  9. #29
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Review Time! Part 1
    MVH
    Wow, an incredibly detailed promo. Every movement was described, and little left for the imagination. You told the story you wanted. Recapping MVH journey since the Belle lost, knowing Parr attacks on her but not doing anything. It was interesting to see your version of him telling you what you had to do. Seeing GG, Gabrielle, and The Valanders in a western setting but being similar to their FWA selves was fun. The only thing I wished was maybe The Sheriff would have thought or even said what her decision would be. To Fight Or Flight and get out the middle ground, Parr said she's in. Still a great promo.

    JJJAY!
    I hope I spelled your name right! This was a fun promo. I think you did a good job dissecting your character while also dissecting your opponent's relationship with you. I don't mind the fourth wall breaking for laughs, but I do think you could of went wild with this promo with it being cosmic horror vs. wizard. I like the idea of the harry potter being Konchou but only teased with the concept. This was very solid.

    Saus X
    My favorite X promo. It flowed very well felt like a solid episode of a TV show where the character prepares himself for a turning point. From the call at the beginning to the internal monologue. You are using the tree as you getting over the hump but also using it to figure out your opponents. I see the improvement. My only thing is a bit of formatting when two different people are talking—regardless very solid promo.

    Sulley
    Man, a lot of people give you shit for your run, but every time I read your promo, you surprise me with how campy or wacky you can get while still severely shit-talking your opponent. It always feels like your character is going on these crazy adventures in-between matches and deciding to crap on their opponent, lol. I didn't expect the comparison between MVH and Gabrielle. It shows Sulley is looking past Gabby because he is so confident.

    Parr
    You and MVH are such great writers. The promo was super well written. It just felt a bit disjointed. At first, I thought it would be a recap of why Parr did this—finally giving us answers which I wanted for this feud. Then it stopped and turned to a funeral service. The funeral service part was well written and entertaining. Especially Gerald spilling his feelings and Sean uh inappropriate Eulogy. I think it's a very good promo; I just felt a bit disjointed as a reader for me

    Gerald Grayson
    Short and sweet. We know GG's mental state, which looks like it's taken a hit a bit, but there's still a sparkle of hope. You write a babyface that's easy to root for.

    Chris Peacock
    Wow, what a ride. This is my favorite promo thus far. You nailed each phase of grief, and each section felt unique and tied so many narrative threads together. This was well written and paced. I just felt the ending was the weakest part, but it wasn't bad at all. Great promo. It was inspiring for me. Also, these constant digs at J are hilarious. Great easter egg.

    Savage, Fenix, and Mike
    You guys always come up with fun promos. This one was short, sweet, and to the point—simple ribs to your opponents who your characters don't take seriously. Good stuff.

    Konchu Hao
    This was a fun read. Just a mad man's rant on how he controls the cosmos and everything in it. Which lets you rip apart your opponents to shreds. You said some potent kayfabe stuff about GG and JJ, which is a specialty of yours, and I'm a big fan of. Flowed well, didn't overstay its welcome.

    Gabrielle Montgomery
    Wow. This is now the best promo so far. Very creative, you excitingly recapped the story between you guys while making the match seem larger than life. Great pacing, characterizing, and use of Supernatural characters. Excellent stuff.
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Saint Sulley: The Irwins are basically Royalty in my part of the World...so this was risky but executed really well. It had a real sense of fun to it, this promo.

    I've said it before, but Sulley really isnt the character you'd expect. It'd be easy to just pigeon hole your promos as all being typical Wrestling douche style promos where he just endlessly sings his own praises and shits on everyone else. But Sulley is more than that, much more. Can be campy and silly at times, and creative and out there in where his promos take him. Like this is definitely not a prototypical Wrestling heel promo, this is a Sulley promo.

    Of all the things Gabrielle has ever been compared too or called, I honestly think this is the first time she's ever been called a Frog.

    I really enjoyed the silliness of this promo. Bindi and Sulleys dynamic was fun, and you weren't concerned with protecting any image of Sulley. Their back and forth felt natural for this sort of 'show'. The over the top bewilderment and sort of campy excitement at everything. I could see this playing out exactly like this on TV.

    I do have one critique but I want to hold off in voicing that until grading would be surely done.

    Good luck buddy. Gabs v Sulley II finally happened.
    Credit to Comeback Kid for the GFX

  11. #31
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Review Time Part 2

    Yuna
    Fun a little celeb, ration initially with Yuna terrorizing San Antonio's streets as a pirate, should but set her up too drunk to finish the promo. So comes on her life companion Patches to rip into Knox and set out Yuna's FWA goal. Get bounty and keep her soul while doing so. Good stuff.

    Donovan Moore
    Well, this is my fav promo so far from you. We get some need backstory to show why Moore such an angry, entitled prick. He's a reflection of his family—one of the few surviving members. I love shows and movies that show how a character hate their parents and results in them becoming them. Tying in Risky Douglas into Peacock was a pretty excellent narrative thread. The banter for your other opponents was good too. My only question is what is the hour and why do you now hate your teacher? Hopefully, that's expanded on, but I enjoyed this.

    Krash
    Great stuff. The ultimate babyface is doing great babyface stuff and humanizing yourself and exciting what this match means for you and your opponent. The books with your former partners and showing Alyster is the thickest one was great at showing how much you guys have been through all these years tagging. It makes me excited to read this match.

    Devin Golden
    Another poetic promo by one of the Goats. Like what Krash did, you talked about the importance of this match while continuing your own story. Predicting what you hope is the future of your next match and the struggles of if you should hang me up. Great stuff.

    Randy Ramon
    And here you come to one-up, Devin! Wow, great stuff to put yourself in your rival's shoes, and understanding their side is fantastic. Especially for me, who doesn't know the history, it puts a lot of this in context while tying up all the themes. My only gripe with this as a reader is when you the last section, you recapped it, but that's a nitpick—a stellar promo—also, a great one-two punch from you and TGO.

    Dan Maskell
    You have a very intense way of writing that makes the dialogue jump out for me. It makes me think things may explode at any time. Your characterization is very grounded so compared to others. This promo feels like a real-life story being written. My only nitpick is that I wished you would have started with the 14-year-old Dan stuff first and maybe expanded it could give you a chance to compare the loss and feeling to fight with Garcia then flowed into the rest, which was still great. I like the focus on your character story, but some more barbs at your opponents could take it over the top. Really good promo tho.

    Urigawa
    Like this promo a bunch. Straight to the point. I got your mindset. It builds character but also ties into how you feel about this match. You rip into your opponents really well. I think some scene-setting would of help the atmosphere of gr promo, but I also understand just wanting to monologue and gets the heat off. Good stuff.

    Michael Garcia
    Your promos stand out because your rants are visceral and cut like a knife. You big up yourself and then tear your opponents apart—scary stuff. The beginning was great to set up that one that lines in the promo that highlights your narrative. The Veteran is breaking down the up and comer. Also, I love basketball, so this set up got me

    Toners
    Bra-Fuckin-O. This promo was a movie, and it was a hell of a ride. Scene setting, world building, creativity, personality, themes, narrative threads it's all there. Also, Eli The Bull? Gimmick change, anyone? Anyway, my favorite promo so far. Tig, you cease to amaze me.

    Reagan Cole
    After reading all these serious, mean, and self-reflecting promos, it was nice to end on such a wholesome promo. Reagan feels like a person I know and someone relatable and likable. I wished you expounded a bit more on your relationship with your teammates and what you learned about your opponents through the files you had, but you make your intentions clear you want to win! Good stuff.

    I just want to say everyone rocked this show with promos and good luck. Also, good luck to the mod team on grading these!
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Eli Black: I haven't reviewed an Eli promo for a while now, so first let me just say how great the Evolution of the character has been. The growth we've seen both from a character standpoint and your writing is fantastic. One of the real gems to come from the Elite Classic.

    Using Eli's family to really set the stage/scene for this helped in getting this Eli and who he is 'over' in this promo. I feel that worked really well. And the part where Eli threw the cult narrative back at Cyrus was incredible. I think that was honestly my favourite part of the whole promo. Seeing Eli take what is being said about him and turning it back on Cyrus, and in such a way that did make me pause and consider the validity of Cyrus being exiled from a cult.

    Close behind that was the overall idea of Eli and in turn the Church of 9 taking credit for Cyrus's recent success. Its a classic heel move, but considering the two characters in play, and Cyrus's losing streak last year this felt quite special.

    You're writing this Eli really well, he's a completely different character with a completely different feel to the Eli we first saw. But it doesn't feel like a stretch, it still feels like a progression of the same character. Its still Eli Black, he has just become something great than he once was.

    There was the occasional spelling mistake/wrong work here and there though.

    A minor critique that never really took away from the promo ultimately. The skys the limit if you keep fleshing out this Eli Black so perfectly using what his character now is against everyone.
    Credit to Comeback Kid for the GFX

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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Eli Black
    I’ll echo what was said above by and large, I haven’t reviewed a promo of yours in quite some time but the difference between then and now is night and day. The improvement in short a relatively short space of time is almost beyond my comprehension.

    Regards the promo itself, I loved the setting and the theme of the content was perfect. I love twisted heel interpretation of face actions and that’s what we get here, you lines of attack on Cyrus are perfect given the circumstances and your character is suitably buoyed by the fact that he was able to get victory over him. There are so many good things about this entire promo.

    To be ultra critical, it’s going to look longer but I’m just fleshing out my points so you know it’s really ultra critical as opposed to anything seriously wrong, there are a couple things I can bring to your attention from a reader standpoint. The first is in the descriptive writing, the use of the word ‘he’ or ‘his’ gets a bit jarring. In the first five or six lines while you try to set the scene, there is a lot of ‘he/his’ which as a reader kind of removed me from the mood you were trying to set. Could replace the use of it with sentence reconstruction, punctuation, his name etc.

    Example is “He is smiling and greeting the people in the park as if he is running for apposition in office. He is dressed in a white three piece suit, with dress shoes to match. He is waving at civilians who recognize him” could be “Dressed as if running for opposition in office, in a white three piece suit and dress shoes to match, Eli is smiling and greeting people in the park, waving at civilians who recognize him.”

    The last two points I would make are those that I am guilty of in any promo I write. The first is proof read – I spend so much time writing a promo and I’m usually so close to the deadline that I don’t have the time or energy to do it, but if you did you would pick up a few errors here and there that would definitely improve the grade. The second point that I am always guilty of is to try and put some fleshed out descriptive writing in between your speech. I know when I’m writing as Parr, and I’m mid flow of him speaking, I can run and run with it and as a consequence my descriptive writing between the paragraphs of speech isn’t what it could be. I feel like you might be the same. I use the ‘Parr clears his throat’ breaker all the time so this is really the pot calling the kettle here. The breaks in between speech can be used to further your narrative, as opposed to simply serving as a paragraph break for your speech.

    Easy example of where I could flesh it out is “Eli speaks and keeps eye contact with crowd members while trying to glimpse at his speech” could be expanded to “As Eli looks up, he makes eye contact with assorted members of the crowd that had gathered in front of him. Trying to keep one eye on his speech, he can’t help but be drawn in by the diversity of those that are facing him and hanging on his every word. The 44 year old mother of one in the front row who left her child with a nanny she can’t afford chats to the 18 year old who hasn’t yet had to work a day in his life as if they are the best of friends when in truth, the only thing they have in common is stood on stage addressing them right now.”

    As I say in general though, I loved the promo and the points I made at the end only look long as I wanted to take the time to explain what I meant as opposed to wanting to give you the wrong idea or that I thought there was anything significantly wrong. The improvement is unbelievable.

  14. #34
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by ETE View Post
    Eli Black: I haven't reviewed an Eli promo for a while now, so first let me just say how great the Evolution of the character has been. The growth we've seen both from a character standpoint and your writing is fantastic. One of the real gems to come from the Elite Classic.

    Using Eli's family to really set the stage/scene for this helped in getting this Eli and who he is 'over' in this promo. I feel that worked really well. And the part where Eli threw the cult narrative back at Cyrus was incredible. I think that was honestly my favourite part of the whole promo. Seeing Eli take what is being said about him and turning it back on Cyrus, and in such a way that did make me pause and consider the validity of Cyrus being exiled from a cult.

    Close behind that was the overall idea of Eli and in turn the Church of 9 taking credit for Cyrus's recent success. Its a classic heel move, but considering the two characters in play, and Cyrus's losing streak last year this felt quite special.

    You're writing this Eli really well, he's a completely different character with a completely different feel to the Eli we first saw. But it doesn't feel like a stretch, it still feels like a progression of the same character. Its still Eli Black, he has just become something great than he once was.

    There was the occasional spelling mistake/wrong work here and there though.

    A minor critique that never really took away from the promo ultimately. The skys the limit if you keep fleshing out this Eli Black so perfectly using what his character now is against everyone.
    I really appreciate you taking the time and giving me feedback. Yeah, I've been working hard on improving so its nice to hear it from someone so good. Gotta give Sullivan, Cyrus, and TGO props for advice.
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  15. #35
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by TheProdigy View Post
    Eli Black
    I’ll echo what was said above by and large, I haven’t reviewed a promo of yours in quite some time but the difference between then and now is night and day. The improvement in short a relatively short space of time is almost beyond my comprehension.

    Regards the promo itself, I loved the setting and the theme of the content was perfect. I love twisted heel interpretation of face actions and that’s what we get here, you lines of attack on Cyrus are perfect given the circumstances and your character is suitably buoyed by the fact that he was able to get victory over him. There are so many good things about this entire promo.

    To be ultra critical, it’s going to look longer but I’m just fleshing out my points so you know it’s really ultra critical as opposed to anything seriously wrong, there are a couple things I can bring to your attention from a reader standpoint. The first is in the descriptive writing, the use of the word ‘he’ or ‘his’ gets a bit jarring. In the first five or six lines while you try to set the scene, there is a lot of ‘he/his’ which as a reader kind of removed me from the mood you were trying to set. Could replace the use of it with sentence reconstruction, punctuation, his name etc.

    Example is “He is smiling and greeting the people in the park as if he is running for apposition in office. He is dressed in a white three piece suit, with dress shoes to match. He is waving at civilians who recognize him” could be “Dressed as if running for opposition in office, in a white three piece suit and dress shoes to match, Eli is smiling and greeting people in the park, waving at civilians who recognize him.”

    The last two points I would make are those that I am guilty of in any promo I write. The first is proof read – I spend so much time writing a promo and I’m usually so close to the deadline that I don’t have the time or energy to do it, but if you did you would pick up a few errors here and there that would definitely improve the grade. The second point that I am always guilty of is to try and put some fleshed out descriptive writing in between your speech. I know when I’m writing as Parr, and I’m mid flow of him speaking, I can run and run with it and as a consequence my descriptive writing between the paragraphs of speech isn’t what it could be. I feel like you might be the same. I use the ‘Parr clears his throat’ breaker all the time so this is really the pot calling the kettle here. The breaks in between speech can be used to further your narrative, as opposed to simply serving as a paragraph break for your speech.

    Easy example of where I could flesh it out is “Eli speaks and keeps eye contact with crowd members while trying to glimpse at his speech” could be expanded to “As Eli looks up, he makes eye contact with assorted members of the crowd that had gathered in front of him. Trying to keep one eye on his speech, he can’t help but be drawn in by the diversity of those that are facing him and hanging on his every word. The 44 year old mother of one in the front row who left her child with a nanny she can’t afford chats to the 18 year old who hasn’t yet had to work a day in his life as if they are the best of friends when in truth, the only thing they have in common is stood on stage addressing them right now.”

    As I say in general though, I loved the promo and the points I made at the end only look long as I wanted to take the time to explain what I meant as opposed to wanting to give you the wrong idea or that I thought there was anything significantly wrong. The improvement is unbelievable.
    I would give you rep if I didn't just give it to ETE lol. Thanks for the critique. Scene setting and descriptive dialogue has been my significant weakness. So giving me an example helps me understand what I can do moving forward. You da best lol
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  16. #36
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I forgot their were Eli Black and Cyrus Truth promos I can't
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by Blaine View Post
    I forgot their were Eli Black and Cyrus Truth promos I can't

    Can't handle the awesomeness?
    "Are you doin' this work to facilitate growth or to become famous?
    Which is more important?
    Getting or letting go?"
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  18. #38
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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by ETE View Post
    Saint Sulley: The Irwins are basically Royalty in my part of the World...so this was risky but executed really well. It had a real sense of fun to it, this promo.

    I've said it before, but Sulley really isnt the character you'd expect. It'd be easy to just pigeon hole your promos as all being typical Wrestling douche style promos where he just endlessly sings his own praises and shits on everyone else. But Sulley is more than that, much more. Can be campy and silly at times, and creative and out there in where his promos take him. Like this is definitely not a prototypical Wrestling heel promo, this is a Sulley promo.

    Of all the things Gabrielle has ever been compared too or called, I honestly think this is the first time she's ever been called a Frog.

    I really enjoyed the silliness of this promo. Bindi and Sulleys dynamic was fun, and you weren't concerned with protecting any image of Sulley. Their back and forth felt natural for this sort of 'show'. The over the top bewilderment and sort of campy excitement at everything. I could see this playing out exactly like this on TV.

    I do have one critique but I want to hold off in voicing that until grading would be surely done.

    Good luck buddy. Gabs v Sulley II finally happened.
    Well the shows up so I thought I'd voice that one critique. I feel like this promo really undersold all the history, all the tension for the past year between them. Undersold the fact Gabs was the last to beat him and just really dismissed her as a challenge. Im not a fan of that sort of angle in a World Title program/promo.

    Though in hindsight perhaps that's the way to go to get a win, completely overlook the opponent and dismiss any challenge they bring to the table in kayfabe. It worked out here.
    Credit to Comeback Kid for the GFX

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    Re: Desert Storm PPV PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Eli Black: I'll echo what others said in that, Eli Black has improved so much this year. This was a great promo that against a lot of promos would have won, maybe even my own, but unfortunately Cyrus also brought his A game and it edged you out in the grades by a tad. I felt like the setting introduction here was a bit rushed, which was okay because the meat of it really is Eli's speech. A speech is a great creative backdrop that is simple enough but not TOO flashy. It allows you to logically monologue, instead of promos where a character just randomly goes on a big rant as everyone else lets him talk (I am super guilty of this myself). At first I did think it came of more as vignette ish, like we were being introduced to Eli for the first time, but it really capture's the peculiarness of Eli, and it does it's job of recapping the narrative of Eli's journey to this point...which I think is something we as writers who do long story arcs often struggle with...because we have to acknowledge that not everybody reading our promo has been reading our story from the beginning. Other than us graders and the specific promo writer, not everyone in the efed reads everyone else's promo. Which sucks, but I can't say I didn't do it before being a grader myself. So it was important going into this big match that you did a recap, and those that weren't reading from the beginning get a good enough idea of what Eli is. I feel like you've done a really good job of capturing Eli's delusions. People in cults DO think they're the good guys...and so Eli should think he's right, and see Cyrus as the antagonist. You did a great job attacking The Exile nickname, and I feel like nobody has ever put it quite like that before in a RP against Cyrus, and it's a great point. One thing I feel like is that by the end of the speech, I felt like I was wanting more. Eli definitely did a great job attacking Cyrus, but I didn't get a true sense of development for Eli and his arc felt like it didn't quite move forward at the pace I was expecting. With this Church of 9 angle, we've established Eli's role...but now I want to see some development in the story, because if he's just this cult guy who gives speeches and does cult stuff week to week, it's going to get stale fairly quickly. Where's the arc going? Is there a plan for Eli? Will he further grow the cult, will he eventually realize he's being used by his parents and by Laurie and turn against the cult, or is there a different arc? I feel like the story has to develop in some way and a fair enough pace. Finding that balance can be difficult, but don't be afraid to evolve Eli when the time comes.


    Quote Originally Posted by ETE View Post
    Well the shows up so I thought I'd voice that one critique. I feel like this promo really undersold all the history, all the tension for the past year between them. Undersold the fact Gabs was the last to beat him and just really dismissed her as a challenge. Im not a fan of that sort of angle in a World Title program/promo.

    Though in hindsight perhaps that's the way to go to get a win, completely overlook the opponent and dismiss any challenge they bring to the table in kayfabe. It worked out here.
    Thank you for your feedback. I sent you a message about my thoughts regarding both, but generally agree with you. I was between those two angles, and went with that one. My other idea was to go the complete opposite direction and build entirely off of that. Sulley was going to "redo" several key shows in history starting way back with SMASH in 2012 where he became Gabby's boy toy, working his way up through say the show where he first lost to Gabby, Desert Storm last year, etc.

    But then I had the idea that I used. I wasn't sure which direction I wanted to go with, but I knew that the idea I used I was really excited about and felt like I'd enjoy writing it more than that original idea, and I was okay with Sulley's direction win or lose, so I went with the promo I thought I'd enjoy more. I don't know if that helped or showed.

    For your promo, I really enjoyed the cinematicness of it. It felt very much like the Golden Rock Office promo from earlier in the year, and I'm certain that if I actually watched Supernatural and was a fan of it, I'd have enjoyed it even more. It was easy to read because of how well the story flowed. You did a good job of world building and using the characters of Sulley, Kleio, and Kujo, and making them fit into this world and making their stories fit into each situation. Using Gabrielle as the "Caramel Coated Goddess" and making her the main mystique of the story really made her feel powerful. The characters constantly talking about her and bringing her up makes up for the fact that she doesn't appear until the very end. I'll say that I do feel the story felt too centered on Saint Sulley as a cult leader, which is partly my fault because that was my original angle with him, but the direction of the group very quickly dropped that sort of dynamic quickly. They're sort of in limbo now, but in your defense for the story there isn't much else different you can do to adjust for that other than to attack my inconsistency with the group. I think part of that is that Eli Black introduced his Church of 9 arc shortly after, and I didn't want to distract from that with two cult angles going on. I enjoyed the director's note in the Lizzie Rose section, as I felt like an immersion break was necessary. It was a proper "third wall" type of break that showed us the readers what the framework of this is...a Gabrielle directed episode. There's narrative behind the premise of this, and this isn't just a random Supernatural episode that randomly has to do with FWA folk...something I certainly have to admit to doing in the past. While I do think you did a better job than my promo in capturing the history between Sulley and Gabrielle in this feud, I feel like it can be hard to miss due to the way it flows through the story. You have to really pay attention to get some of those parallels, and I fear graders may have missed that when reading it over. My really only true gripe I had with this, and it doesn't even have anything that would probably effect a grade as it was just a small part, but I didn't like the inclusion of the real base pics as actors and pointing that out. In my mind, I don't like to think that Conor McGregor, Dave Batista, etc all exist within the same universe as Saint Sulley, Kujo, and those other FWA characters. What if Conor McGregor and Sulley run into each other with it being in the same universe? They just happen to look exactly the same with the same tattoos, etc? As well written as this promo was, I think you were hurt using the Supernatural theme. I feel like your best quality is building your OWN worlds, and not using a world of another already created universe. And while I've done the same exact thing myself, I think it's something that's getting less and less tolerated in grades. With all that said this was definitely a winning promo, and think if we had a larger sample size of graders (say 10?) as opposed to the traditional three that were used, you probably end up winning. Unfortunately the logistics of that would be impossible, but I do believe it in this case to be true. '

    I really hope that Sulley and Gabrielle have a third match against each other, because I'd love to really go the direction I didn't with this one and write a promo that really tells the entire story.

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