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Thread: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

  1. #21
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    I'm actually real life sorry for my promos. This time it felt like utter garbage to me when I wrote them. Starr's especially.

    I don't know what more I can do, what new areas I can put him in, what new ways I can present him. I try saying something new and I end up regurgitating the same old shit. I had nothing against Cyrus, and I had nothing against Bell.

    I'm running on empty with Starr. It feels incredibly weird for me to say that because he's been my character that's ran the longest.

    Izzy I feel less bad about, but I still feel I turned in an inferior product.
    Last edited by ONAMStar; 07-17-2018 at 01:08 AM.

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  2. #22
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    I hadn’t thought about connecting the two promos despite doing that in the past. I had the idea for Penny to speak to classroom of school children but then I remembered it’s summer time, and that school is out so that wouldn’t have made much sense so I went for the formal speech like concept instead. The idea of a PowerPoint presentation popped into my head when I began to write so I went with it.

    For Randall I was kind of stuck for ideas but I wanted it to be serious and just have him go off on Toner, that’s what came out of it in the end and I was content with it although I do feel it could have been slightly better imo. I sprinkled in little things like smoking of the cigarette and drinking, vices of Toner, and the old man as a symbol of his future. I don’t know if it’ll work but it is what it is.


    Rest in power, Flock U

    Team Cyrus T is Best for Business

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  3. #23
    ozzyozyakup10
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    At last, my promo is done... and it's a recap episode. Best of luck to Tom, whose promo I'm going to read tomorrow because right now I need a sleep.
    Last edited by Oz; 07-16-2018 at 10:02 PM.

  4. #24
     
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy King View Post
    I hadn’t thought about connecting the two promos despite doing that in the past. I had the idea for Penny to speak to classroom of school children but then I remembered it’s summer time, and that school is out so that wouldn’t have made much sense so I went for the formal speech like concept instead. The idea of a PowerPoint presentation popped into my head when I began to write so I went with it.

    For Randall I was kind of stuck for ideas but I wanted it to be serious and just have him go off on Toner, that’s what came out of it in the end and I was content with it although I do feel it could have been slightly better imo. I sprinkled in little things like smoking of the cigarette and drinking, vices of Toner, and the old man as a symbol of his future. I don’t know if it’ll work but it is what it is.

    I tried the powerpoint presentation idea at Carnal Contendership a couple years ago with Dave. I was so proud of it and honestly thought it was one of my most creative concepts yet. But I got absolutely knocked down and grilled on it in reviews and grading because it was "too listy". A promo I thought as one of my personal bests again didn't come out that way.

    Maybe it'll work out better for you though.

    Here's the one I wrote

    http://wrestlingclique.com/showthrea...post2103689854

  5. #25
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    Well fuck. The coding messed up the lyrics to the Sipi Tau I posted!

  6. #26
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by The Golden Roo's View Post
    Aaron Kendrick:

    Who the fuck are you? This is good stuff. Great setting. Very descriptive.

    I hope you continue with the conversations with God. It's very unique, very unorthodox. Sets you apart. Don't overkill it but sprinkling those in is a great way to breach a topic and provide some character depth.

    I haven't read anything about your bio but if God is a focal point of the character then good job. Good character. And a good promo.


    Thank you sir, I really appreciate the words. The character of Aaron kendrick is someone who is going through a breakdown psychologically. He’s giving up on everything he ever believed in out of frustration and lack of success. And this breakdown has begun to overtake him and allow him to believe he is something greater than the ordinary man. He truly believes he is becoming a God, hence why he refers to himself as “The Great I Am.” And with this promo, I was really going for something different. Not the typical “I’m going into a match with three other guys and here’s who they are and here’s why I’m winning.” I wanted to focus on my story and show people who he is and show people why he’s going to win instead of telling them why he’s going to win.

    If I lose, no big deal. I got what I wanted our of the character development. If I win, even better. It will give me a lot more ammo to use in my future promos. It was a ton of fun and I’m really anxious to see how it turned out for everyone.

  7. #27
    MC Mitchy D
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    Just want to apologize for missing this. I’m extremely sick right now (right after going away for 4 days) which is why I haven’t been posting in general.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


  8. #28
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    as always, the mods are busy getting the show up but i wanted to drop a note with massive props to the bunch of promos we received for BIB. we wanted everyone to bring it and for the most part yall did. wont say who yet, but someone just received my first ever perfect 10/10 in the "character work/logic category", which is exactly what i was hoping for when it comes to BIB. bravo and well done to everyone who promoed, and the show will be up ASAP

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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    XYZ: This is such a different character than the ones you've done in your past, and such a different approach you've taken too. It's funny because your original Devin Golden character is based on you. But I feel like with XYZ, with this promo, you put more of your heart and your soul into writing this than you ever did with Devin. You can tell that you just took everything you personally felt inside you and you put it into your writing. I think that's where the best writing comes from and it shines here. Even though it's shorter than something I'd imagine seeing from Devin Golden on Back in Business years ago, I just feel like this works well.

    Penny: I kind of already mentioned this in another post, but I'll put it in an official review. I did the same gimmick before with the power point. I even made power point slides and pictures. I thought it was one of my best promos ever but I not only lost the Carnal Contendership but I lost against Thomas Jordan. It was marked as being too listy.

    I personally love the concept. I think you did it as well as I did back when I did it at CC two years ago. The benefit you have is when I did it, it was CC and it was a dozen opponents. Yours is just three people you need to cover, so it doesn't end up dragging on like mine did.

    I thought it was descriptive though and well written. It's a different grading staff than it was back then so maybe they'll like this concept better two years later.


    Jason Randall: I think this is where you really shined
    It's hard doing two characters in one show, so you kind of have to pick one. Both might be winners for you, but I feel like if it was Jason vs Penny then Jason wins. There is so much detail and vividness to this. Jason's character background just has so much energy and juice around it right now. You focused on Toner well. I honestly think you have the winning promo here, and it's one of your better ones I've ever read from you.

    Aaron Kendrick: I LOVE character background and story. It's my biggest thing personally with my own characters. I care more about developing story than I do winning matches. However, one of my biggest weaknesses with that was focusing too much on story, and not enough about my opponents. I feel like you have the ground work set for a great story development with Kendrick, but at a cost because I don't think you even mentioned any of your other opponents once in this RP. Great story and great promo for it, but work on integrating your opponents into the story your telling for Kendrick each week.

    Izzy: Something about your formatting for me just gives it an extra edge here. It's simple, but everything comes together so well. From the font you used, to the quote on top. Even the fact that you bold certain parts of your dialog to make it stand out. Content wise I like how you're integrating events around FWA into your promo, like Ty being arrested. Solid stuff.



    I'll try and review the rest after work today.

  10. #30
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Sully View Post
    XYZ: This is such a different character than the ones you've done in your past, and such a different approach you've taken too. It's funny because your original Devin Golden character is based on you. But I feel like with XYZ, with this promo, you put more of your heart and your soul into writing this than you ever did with Devin. You can tell that you just took everything you personally felt inside you and you put it into your writing. I think that's where the best writing comes from and it shines here. Even though it's shorter than something I'd imagine seeing from Devin Golden on Back in Business years ago, I just feel like this works well.

    Penny: I kind of already mentioned this in another post, but I'll put it in an official review. I did the same gimmick before with the power point. I even made power point slides and pictures. I thought it was one of my best promos ever but I not only lost the Carnal Contendership but I lost against Thomas Jordan. It was marked as being too listy.

    I personally love the concept. I think you did it as well as I did back when I did it at CC two years ago. The benefit you have is when I did it, it was CC and it was a dozen opponents. Yours is just three people you need to cover, so it doesn't end up dragging on like mine did.

    I thought it was descriptive though and well written. It's a different grading staff than it was back then so maybe they'll like this concept better two years later.


    Jason Randall: I think this is where you really shined
    It's hard doing two characters in one show, so you kind of have to pick one. Both might be winners for you, but I feel like if it was Jason vs Penny then Jason wins. There is so much detail and vividness to this. Jason's character background just has so much energy and juice around it right now. You focused on Toner well. I honestly think you have the winning promo here, and it's one of your better ones I've ever read from you.

    Aaron Kendrick: I LOVE character background and story. It's my biggest thing personally with my own characters. I care more about developing story than I do winning matches. However, one of my biggest weaknesses with that was focusing too much on story, and not enough about my opponents. I feel like you have the ground work set for a great story development with Kendrick, but at a cost because I don't think you even mentioned any of your other opponents once in this RP. Great story and great promo for it, but work on integrating your opponents into the story your telling for Kendrick each week.

    Izzy: Something about your formatting for me just gives it an extra edge here. It's simple, but everything comes together so well. From the font you used, to the quote on top. Even the fact that you bold certain parts of your dialog to make it stand out. Content wise I like how you're integrating events around FWA into your promo, like Ty being arrested. Solid stuff.



    I'll try and review the rest after work today.


    Not sure if I said this in my last post, but I was really just trying something different. Everyone always talks about their opponents and I made a conscious effort to refrain from that. I wanted everything about my RP to be different. To me it’s not the end of the world if I lose this match. I’m more about character direction and the overall story of what’s going on. I’m not going to be pinned or submitted in this match so I really don’t have anything to lose.

    Obviously, I really want to win this thing. And that’s what I’m going for. But instead of addressing my opponents and saying, “I’m going to beat you and here’s why,” I wanted to show everyone definitively why Aaron Kendrick is going to win this match. I’m confident that I at least did a good job of showing everyone who he is and why it’s possible that he can win this match and that was my goal.



    All in all, this was an expirament for me. If it’s just not going to work and if I have to talk about my opponents in order to win from now on, then I’ll change the way I do it. I just wanted to stray from the format a little and see what happens.

    Thanks to to everyone who has given me feedback on this show. It’s greatly appreciated and I’m taking everything into consideration and I’m going to apply it all to my next RP.

  11. #31
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread



    XYZ-
    This promo showed a considerable amount of character development unlike anything I can remember seeing from XYZ. I felt like focusing on XYZ as a loner, his declining confidence and lack of faith as a leader paints a clear picture that he's heading in a different direction. My only critique would be that he didn't mention his opponent once during the entirety of the promo, which to me isn't necessarily a big deal given the nature of this match but I do know it's something the other mods consider. Apart from that, the dialogue was sharp and I was legitimately invested in XYZ's self depreciation.


    Jason Randall- I feel like this promo showed that the framework is in place for Randall to be a top star. The presentation was crisp, the scene setting was on-point and the dialogue felt true to the character. You went in pretty hard on Toner, not skimming any details. Bringing attention to the fact that he's, as Randall called him, "a fuck up whose given too many opportunities" was low-hanging fruit but you'd be a fool not to bring it up, that should be the central focus of anyone who promo's against Toner at this point and I hope that's enough to motivate Toner to a big redemption angle. You could have delivered a bigger promo but you did just enough to beat Toner had he promo'd, which is what I would have done too if my other character was in a title match. All in all a tremendous job.


    Penny- It's clear you put more focus into your Randall promo than this one, however this was a pretty big match for Penny so I'd have given this one more attention. It's not a bad promo per se, it just doesn't stand shoulder to shoulder with your opponents promos. In a multiman match, you have so much of an opportunity because more opponents = more ammo, more dialogue, and more opportunities to take the promo in a compelling direction. I feel like you only kind of glossed over your opponents which was kind of a shame. A personal gripe that I have is the inclusion of the pictures, though I appreciate you putting them in spoiler tags, I still feel as if pictures belong at either the head or foot of your promo, and having them sprinkled into the promo kinda halts your momentum. That's just me though, other mods may not feel the same way, and that's hardly the problem with this promo. If you didn't have the Jason Randall promo sapping your energy, you could have won this match but I wonder if you were spread just a little too thin.


    Aaron Kendrick- I really like the Aaron Kendrick character and think he has great potential. While I enjoyed this promo, and I really did, I think there are a ton of criticisms that outweigh the positives, and my hope here that you take this criticism positively and get Kendrick to the level that I know you can. First off, much like Penny's promo, there was not enough focus on your opponents. The promo seemed very centered on Kendrick himself which is a great way to start or end a promo but I feel like it was a big missed opportunity by not paying any attention to the three other people in the match. As I stated in Penny's critique, the more opponents you have in a match, the more meat you have in your promo, but in regards to that there really wasn't much meat on this bone, was there? Going forward, I'd like to see you provide more of an insight to your opponents. Do you homework a bit, read their past promos and matches. You'll find that the more familiar you are with your opponents, the easier the dialogue comes to you. Cosmetically, I wasn't a fan of the quadruple spacing between paragraphs, I'd limit it to 2 or 3 so that it's a big more condensed and appealing to the eye. I did LOVE the beginning dialogue in the first paragraph, it was intense and in your face and it made Kendrick seem intimidating and a threat. "Son, if you don't take that base out of your voice. I swear to God... No I don't. I swear to you. I swear to you I will slam your fucking head on this counter and pull your tongue out of your throat." that had me invested from the start, and I would have liked to have seen the momentum build from there.


    Izzy Van Doren- One of my favorite things about your style, Starr, is your ability to paint vivid scene settings as minimally as possible. The "new" Izzy Van Doren was on full display and I liked what I saw. From her going over her inadequacies and insecurities, to her then proclaiming that she was now on Cyrus, Bell and Kennedy's level, was a pretty magnificent full circle. Whether or not the statement is true, she made me believe it was, and that's whats important. The promo really picked up once she went in on Eyensane, and though I think you could have spent a little more time taking him apart, I thoroughly enjoyed what you hit us with here.


    Wolf- It's always hard for me to give you reviews because you are among the greatest of all time, and it this point in your FWA you know good and well what works and what doesn't work. That was pretty evident in this promo. I feel as if this stood shoulder to shoulder with the promos from Cyrus, Bell and Kennedy as some of the best promos of the night and I don't think anyone does dialogue better than you. Not Kennedy. Not Cyrus. No one. This had all the makings of a great Wolf promo. The painstaking attention to detail. The jagged words that cut your oppoents to shreds. The 3 act structure. THE ALL CAPS PARAGRAPHS WHERE WOLF IS DONE FUCKING AROUND. Last but not least, my favorite thing about your promos, the closing statement. "I'm coming for you. And Hell is coming with me..." I am not exxagerating or blowing smoke up your ass when I tell you that that line gave me some mild goosebumps. 10/10


    Deception- This was a pretty barebones promo. It wasn't bad, and all the framework was there for it to be better, but it just wasn't. It could have used more vivid scene description because it was 3 short sentences and one of them were completely unnessecary. "He takes off his mask and holds it over the edge. We see the back of his head as puts it back on." I don't understand why that was a thing. The dialogue was actually great, I just don't think there was enough of it. I am very interested in seeing where Deception goes from here, and I have faith that you can do more with the character.


    Cyrus Truth- I hate reveiwing my opponents promos but I feel I would be doing you a diservice if I didn't state the obvious: This was an amazing promo. The church setting has been done a thousand times (and half them were Kennedy promos lulz) but this didnt feel like something that was treading down a worn down road, this felt like the perfect setting for the message Cyrus was trying to convey. I'll admit that after reading this promo I was worried that the streak was coming to and end and I can't wait to see the averages because like I said in another thread, I've got a feeling that this is as close as it gets. Great job. 10/10


    Starr- I don't think it's a secret that you are capable of much more than you put down here. This was, by no means a bad promo, but it wasn't a great one. And when you are facing a former world champion in a marquee match at Back In Business, you need a great promo. Your dialogue WAS great, but it was just much too little. This was like and expensive meal that tasted amazing but the portion was too small to justify the price. More could have been said about Bell but more importantly more could have been said about Starr. There was no sense of urgency here that told me Starr needed to win this match or even wanted to win it. The best part of your promo was where you chastise Bell for focusing on Shannon, and saying that YOU are the one standing in front of her. That was the perfect opportunity for you to not promo on Bell, but promo on Starr himself. Here is WHY you need to be worried about me. This is who the fuck I am. This is why I'm winning this match and you are losing it, because you are looking past me so this is what I'm going to do about it. Now, you did do this briefly, yes, but it was limited to just a few more sentences. Starr is easily a future FWA World Heavyweight Champion, and this promo had all the makings of that indication, you had many strong elements that just needed to be fleshed out a little more but I have confidence that you will do that going forward.


    PAJ and Maximus- First of all, I really enjoy the dynamic between PAJ and Maximus. This promo was pretty heavy on that, showcasing how/why they came together. Maximus is coming into his own and he's not just an enforcer for PAJ, they feel like a full fledged team now. Personally I'd like a little more attention to the Vultures but that's no big deal. This was a great promo and it told a very engaging story.


    Tommy Thunder- This was a pretty strong effort and a very enjoyable read. Could have been a bit longer in the sense that you spent a great deal of time talking about Deception but not enough time talking about Thunder. That's tricky because Hair vs Mask is a silly stip, so what do you talk about, how important having hair is? No, I'd have focused on the fact that Back in Business is the biggest stage of them all and that this is your chance to show the world what Tommy Thunder is capable of. Show them who he is. Your verbal attacks on Deception were pretty great tho and I feel like comparing his mask to a security blanket was smart. Good promo but I think you can do more.


    Kevin Cromwell- STRONG promo here, and I have more good to say about it than bad. I think the thing that makes this a good promo and not a great promo is the setting. Back in Business is go big or go home, and the interview setting kinda falls flat here. The dialogue was fantastic, as is par for the course with you, however in some parts I feel it went on longer than it needed to but nothing major. You, more so than anyone in your match, paid adequate attention to your opponents and this is an effort to be proud of. I think, with a propper scene setting and just a smidge more character development, this would have been the winning promo.


    Bell Connelly- What a fantastic promo this was. Quite an engaging read and you are clearly among the top storytellers in the FWA. The scene setting in NGW Performance center, all the way to the hotel room, was well paced and appropriately transistioned. Bell's attacks on Starr were mostly logical and still venomous. I think it was wise to clarify WHY she was looking past Starr. It's not because she doesn't feel he was a worthy opponent, but more or less because she felt she had no reason to fight him. She took nothing away from him by doing that, and in turn undid anything she did in the weeks leading up to it that may have made this match seem less important. If I had any negative criticism, it would be that you need to proof read your promos before submitting, because mistakes such as "For most of the weekend, Bell has kept himself locked away" are just minor things but they add up. That's nothing major though, and all in all this was a fantastic effort.


    Sin City Vultures- Stating that the Vultures were bigger than the tag team titles were a bold statement, but The Sin City Vultures have consistently been a bold team. This promo was top notch and among some of their best work (in my opinion) and the dialoguge against PAJ and Maximus was cutting and visceral. There is no real negative here in this promo, it was some damn fine work from arguably one of the best up and coming writers in the FWA.


    Mike Parr- The rhetoric here is that Mike Parr feels disrespected and lost in the shuffle and he isn't going to take it anymore. This was a smart direction to take the promo in and it made the promo itself feel more important than the match itself. Mike romanticizing two wins at Back in Business as a streak seemed silly to me at first, because their are a handful of other guys who could have made a similar claim, but why not? I probably would have too, the more I thought about it. Once Sean Hughes made his debut in the promo, I would have liked to see more dialogue from him, a lot more than what we were given, and going forward you'll need to give them equal time otherwise it feels less like a team and more like Parr and Parr's lackey/protege. All in all this was a pretty good promo but more could have been done.


    Tristan James Galloway- I am a pretty big Galloway fan and I was actually rooting for him to win here because I think he's reached the point where he should be the head of the North American division, with him being a world title contender by years end. I think we both know that this wasn't a strong promo though and you can do much better. I am not a fan of heavy back-and-forth dialogues between multiple characters in a promo, and that was a good chunk of this promo. A lot of it wasn't really relevent or neccessary, just filler. When you got into the meat of the promo, It was pretty damn good. One line in particular resonated with me, "I’m not a FAILURE. I’m not middle of the road. I am more. I will be more. And I will be the North American champion. And like Liam Neeson in The Grey, I will slaughter the wolf." That was some good shit and your overall attack on Wolf was pretty good, I just don't think you capitlized enough on certain aspects of the feud with Wolf and your road to Back in Business. Shamelessly harping on how you beat the FWA Champion on that road to Back in Business, and how you should have been in the main event could have gone a long way. I don't want to let this promo discourage you because you have the potential to become FWA Champion eventually and I'd like to see that.


    Dave Sullivan Jesus Christ. The character development in this promo alone could have potentially won your match. Dave Sullivan's Back in Business heel turn should be one of the most talked about elements of this show. Add in that razor sharp dialogue and this equates to probably the best promo I've ever seen you cut, and I mean that. Dave Sullivan screwed over his protoge, and so when he says he's going to do what it takes to win the X-Title, you believe that shit. This was truly an amazing piece of work and I hope this isn't a fluke, I hope that you can keep promoing at this level because if you do, you are in for one hell of a title run.
    Last edited by Jiggy; 07-27-2018 at 01:58 PM.



  12. #32
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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    Sullivan: Looking at few threads right now I would nominate Sullivan for the Heel of the Year. I do not have time to keep up with FWA right now and when I saw BIB I had to go back and read the promo. Great storytelling. This would be one of those unbeatable promos if you have talked more about opponents etc, etc. Definitelly well deserved title win
    "You only need to hang mean bastards, but mean bastards you need to hang."


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    Re: Back in Business XIII Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Wolfs Rain View Post
    Sullivan: Looking at few threads right now I would nominate Sullivan for the Heel of the Year. I do not have time to keep up with FWA right now and when I saw BIB I had to go back and read the promo. Great storytelling. This would be one of those unbeatable promos if you have talked more about opponents etc, etc. Definitelly well deserved title win
    Thanks.

    Sullivan JUST turned heel, so I don't think I can take credit for that award just yet. Maybe by the end of the year. This is my first heel run in 5 years so it should be interesting.

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