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Thread: 25 May - World Grand Prix DAY 3 Promo Thread

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    25 May - World Grand Prix DAY 3 Promo Thread

    Promos are due Thursday, 24 May at midnight pacific, 3am Friday EST, 8am UK. American pplz, get em in before the holiday weekend!

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    Re: 25 May - World Grand Prix DAY 3 Promo Thread

    Danny Toner
    The Three Titted Hooker

    We open in a dimly lit room, the only light source coming from a long white candle stuck in an iron holder. The candlestick is situated on an old, wooden table which bears many scuffs and scratchings on its surface. Sitting on a stool beside the table is Danny Toner. His face is barely illuminated in the candle-light but we still see a flash of white as he smiles that smile at the camera. He speaks softly.

    Danny Toner: “Come closer.”

    Danny indicates for the cameraman (or whoever the fuck it is that captures all these guys in their day to day shit) to move towards him. Danny smiles once again.

    Danny Toner: “Get comfortable kiddo because Uncle Danny, well, Uncle Danny’s got a story to tell ya!”

    The screen fucks up and distorts Wyatt style but instead of the chilling, ominous music we get camp, time-travelling fuckery music. And you love it.



    Ever been to Amsterdam? Ya really oughta go if you haven’t been. It’s a gorgeous city, built on a family of canals and dams with little cobbled streets and bridged roads (which are slippery when wet). The guys there, they’re friendly as all hell and it’s one of these places where although heavily affected by tourists, you could still lose yourself exploring the local hideouts, nooks and cranny’s. Amsterdam is kinda unfairly known for two things; the sweet, sweet gringo and the smelly, slutty pootang. Both come at a price and like anything; you get what you pay for, you know? They say you’ll never smoke two of the same joints or fuck two of the same broads in Amsterdam but when you’ve been there as much as me … it all kinda gets repetitive and blurs into one. I won’t lie but I was getting kind of jaded with the whole Damski experience but one day I was knockin’ back some poorly pulled pints in this little bar called The Doors and that’s when everything changed.

    We see Danny Toner sitting at a booth in a fairly empty bar. He has a pint of Heineken in front of him and he’s eying the head on the pint in disgust whilst listening to the speakers blast out Riders on the Storm by the bar’s namesake – The Doors. An unlit joint hangs from his lip and he fumbles around his pockets for a lighter and curses himself as he fails in his conquest to light his spliff. Suddenly, an outstretched hand sparks a lighter right in front of him and without even bothering to look up, Danny inhales, lighting the joint. Danny looks up to mutter his thanks but can’t get his words out. Danny’s seen some characters in his time (XYZ, Ghost, Divine) but this one took the biscuit. The man who had helpfully lit Danny’s joint was a sight to behold. He was a plodding, overweight, funny looking man sporting a HUGE green mohawk and had tattoos on the shaved sides of his head. His earlobes are stretched to such an extent that Danny was fairly sure he could spit from where he was sitting and he’d get a hole in one. The guy smiled weirdly showing a set of golden grills on his teeth and took a seat without being prompted.

    Danny Toner: “Well, what the fuck have we got here?”

    Weird Mohawk Guy: “Heeeeeellloooooo.”

    Danny raises his eyebrow, he thought the Dutch accent was weird already but this guy just sounded like a male Ariana Grande on LSD.

    Danny Toner: “… Alright?”

    Weird Mohawk Guy: “What is your name?”

    Danny Toner: “Uh, Danny … why?”

    Weird Mohawk Guy: “Yes, yes Danny, good. Danny, tell me, do you like the unknown?”

    Danny jumps up from the booth and holds his hands in the air.

    Danny Toner: “No offense bud but I don’t swing that way, sorry du-”

    The Peter Wright lookalike jumps up and claps Danny’s hands in his own.

    Weird Mohawk Guy: “No, no, no! This, this unknown entity is the complete opposite of homosexual relations. This, this is a secret. A secret woman, one who very few know about but one that offers an experience like no other … a night you will never forget … if you’re willing to pay.

    Danny scoffs at the offer as he pulls his hands back from the weirdo.

    Danny Toner: “I’ll politely decline.”

    Weird Mohawk Guy: “Is Danny too good to pay for services? Even here … in this city?”

    Danny takes a big swig of his Heineken and looks at the man before laughing.

    Danny Toner: “Me! Too good to … pal, you don’t know the half of it. I’ve had every type of broad to be had in this city; black, white, Asian, small, tall, tiny tits, big tits, floppy-”

    Weird Mohawk Guy: “What about three tits?”

    Pause. Freeze-frame. Screeching to a halt sound effect. Danny’s mouth agape. Narration time.

    See what you guys have to remember is that I really freakin’ had done every type of chick imaginable. I don’t feel guilty about it, I mean, they’re being paid for it – well except that one time with this little Mexican chick but look, I didn’t know she was allergic to hot sauce so that ain’t exactly my fault – but for the most part they were paid. In full. It had become something like a game to me; trying all different types in all different ways. But as any nerd gamer will tell ya – you can complete games. And I’d felt like I’d completed Amsterdam but there I was, talking to a man who may or may not rape me, and I was just after being presented with the biggest fucking easter egg ever. A hidden final boss. The post-credits end game. How the hell could I say no?

    Un-pause. Danny closes his mouth and looks side to side and leans in to the man.

    Danny Toner: “Sorry pal, I need you to be really, really clear right now … did you jusy say … three tits?”

    The man slowly nods his head up and down and raises three fingers to Danny. He then touches his left nipple and mouths “one”, touches his right nipple and mouths “two” and then begins leaning towards Danny’s own chest but Danny slaps his hands away.

    Danny Toner: “Sold. Let’s freakin’ go.”

    The screen is engulfed in darkness and we hear Danny narrating once again.

    With the shake of a hand and the clink of a pint it was all set. I’d give this freaky, ghoulie motherfucker five hundred euros and he’d take me to pork a chick with three tits. Now of course I made sure we dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s – he guaranteed me it’d be full on intercourse with no time limit. In fact, if I had the money – which I did – he’d told me he’d take me straight to her. Off we went in a cab and after a really mild-mannered exchange with the taxi man he decided I COULD smoke in his car on the way there. Anyway I got there, this real seedy joint, up a lane and through a steel door kind of buzz, you know? El Freakazoid left me to it and I walked into this room and there was this broad standing there and well … well a picture paints a thousand words.

    We suddenly have picture again and Danny Toner is standing there looking at a tall, tanned woman. She has dark features – eyes and hair are both a full brown color – and she is clad in a black thong and a black sports top. Danny wasn’t looking at what she was wearing, he was too busy counting over and over and rubbing his eyes to make sure what he was seeing was real. Three. It was three. Three big juicy bad boys. Not that he was overly into it but this was one for the books. The woman bent over in front of Danny and opened a small fridge. She talks in a eastern European accent.

    Three Titty Brazzer: “Beer?”

    Danny Toner: “Don’t mind if I do.”

    The woman smiles and throws – yeah, I know, who throws bottles of beer? - the bottle of beer at the unsuspecting Danny and it sails right past him and smashes against the wall. Danny and the woman stare at the mess on the ground and then begin to giggle. The woman makes her way over and Danny instinctively reaches out to touch one of her three glorious breasts. The woman pulls away and wags her finger suggestively at him.

    Three Titty Brazzer: “You want to touch, you pay!”

    Danny Toner: “I already give your reptile-lookin’ pimp half a freakin’ grand?!”

    Three Titty Brazzer: “Huh? My …?”

    Danny Toner: “Fat guy? Mohawk?”

    The puzzled look on the prostitute’s face told Danny everything he needed to know – he’d been in the game himself long enough to know when he’d been swindled. With a shrug, Danny asked the price.

    Danny Toner: “Much?”

    Three Titty Brazzer: “One hundred.”

    Danny Toner: “For…?”

    Three Titty Brazzer: “Suck and fuck.”

    Danny Toner: “That fat bastard …”

    Danny curses about his conman as he fumbles around his pockets for two fifty euro notes. The lady of the night starts cleaning up the mess made by the broken beer bottle when she loses her footing (slippery when wet throwback) on the spillage and lands in the shards of broken glass.

    Danny Toner:
    “Oh fuck me!”

    Danny pulls the girl up to her feet. She has small shards of glass in her arms and one slightly bigger piece seems to have grazed her jaw causing a small laceration.

    Danny Toner: “Shit, you’re like an eastern European Izzy Van Doren!”

    Three Titty Brazzer: “Izzy Van Doren?”

    Danny Toner: “She’s some chick I work with that’s like you cause you’re all cut up and shit but she’s got yeno …”

    Danny fondles the air in front of his own chest as if he has make-believe breasts.

    Three Titty Brazzer: “Two breasts?”

    Danny Toner: “Yeah! Two of’em!”

    ???: “ABORT! ABORT!”

    Danny turns around and the fat, mohawk, stretched earlobe conman comes crashing in from a hidden door in the wall of the room. He looks frantic and he’s carrying a baseball bat.

    Danny Toner: “HEY! YOU! You owe me five hundred bucks!”

    Weird Mohawk Guy: “Fuuuuhuck you! Danny FUCKING Toner! I knew I recognized you! Mary, get outta here – we can’t rob this guy!”

    Danny stares at the girl.

    Danny Toner:Mary? Really!?”

    The girl shrugs.

    Mary the Three Titty Brazzer: “My mother is catholic.”

    Danny Toner: “Oh …”

    Wait. Baseball bat. BOOM! SUPPPPPPPPEEERRRKIIIIIICCCCCCCK!!!!!! Freeze on Danny’s foot mid-flight, inches from connecting with the guy’s jaw. Cue, narraToner (ya’ll like that?).

    Man. What. A. Let. Down. Not only was I after being conned, it was the last day of my trip and there I was trying to ride circus freaks and making deals with guys shadier than Thomas Princeton. Such is life kids, such is life. See there’s a lesson in all this – forbidden fruit doesn’t always taste the sweetest it just costs you half a fucking grand.

    Toner’s foot connects and the fat fuck goes flat on his back. Danny begins shouting obscenities at the man whilst Mary slips out of the room undetected. Toner’s FWA theme “Greenback Boogie” plays over the closing image aaaaaandddd scene!


    We’re back in the candle-lit room from the beginning of the promo. Danny has no smiles this time as he stares into the camera.

    Danny Toner: “Hanz, bud, there’s a reason I chose to tell that specific story the week I’m due to face you – it’s a metaphor for the whole thing. You better start looking for a new career you steaming German pile of garbage! I’ll put ya out of your misery bud, you might be the least formidable guy I’ve ever had the displeasure of sharing the ring with. At Fight Night – it’s all over. I ain’t gonna be able to get rolling until I beat someone to a bloody pulp and everyone realizes that Toner county is the new head of state in FWA and someone has to take the fall, unlucky for you bud. But hey, I’m doing you a favour, after all, you’re the third tit. You just aren’t worth my fucking time.

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