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Thread: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

  1. #41
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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by RyuShake Taguchi View Post
    Im pretty sure they do know you if it's three of them speaking up at once. It's not like it matters.
    I've only really spoke to them one of them since and told him, but I knew he'd never keep quiet lol.

    I just really wanted a fresh start lol.

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Dunno who you're talking about Death, I just recognised your character, writing and your forum etiquette. And as Shake says, it matters not.

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by 1000Deaths View Post
    I've only really spoke to them one of them since and told him, but I knew he'd never keep quiet lol.

    I just really wanted a fresh start lol.
    It is a fresh start. Just have fun here man. He did tell me, after I asked when I saw a sign up the looked like a certain other character. But yeah just have fun Death

  4. #44
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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Yeah though, hello thunder lol...it was really more of a joke with myself...back to the promos...his original last name is taken from the Spanish word for "Hunter" actually.

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by hanz gruber View Post
    It is a fresh start. Just have fun here man. He did tell me, after I asked when I saw a sign up the looked like a certain other character. But yeah just have fun Death
    It should be hopefully

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by hanz gruber View Post
    Same time zone Death, one state over.

    Anyways more critiques

    Wolf- man, I loved your promo. You don't give a crap. You know you are good- talking about your character(well you are really good creatively). And you addressed your opponent very well, even bringing up the fact he had set up one of his last promos in a zoo.

    Truth- really hard critiquing yours as I have not seen one bad one from you in my short time here- you are just consistently good.
    Didn't want this to get lost in all the clutter- wanted them both to know my thoughts- since that's ht this thread is all about.

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    I really enjoyed wolfs promo plus anything Kurt Russell us BA MoFo

  8. #48
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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Yeah I need to read some of this stuff though today.

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Accidently posted asking for ext on promo page I am sorry but can i get ext wanna edit my but got work from 6 to unknown time

  10. #50
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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Extension granted. 3AM is 24 he's before deadline so that will be the deadline for extension requests.

  11. #51
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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Ok I've just read the Graves stuff with Sinn and I'll say it was interesting and intriguing and there was obviously a bit of a store being hinted at there, but I'll echo what others said this week: More proofreading and editing would make it much better.

    I'm not trying to get on that train because I know it's been said before but that's just my honest take away , reaction to it.

    I've got time now so I'll be looking into the others while watching RAW. Speaking of, there's not enough Suplexes in the WWE...

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Gruber was funny with a good tone and overall feel to it. My biggest thing is this whole "Heel but respects women" thing. Heels respect no one and certainly aren't respect to eomen, but I guess it adds a bit of a different dynamic to it, a heel that believes in being a gentleman, ok sure lol.

    Some quite good stuff from Wolf and Truth overall, definitely good development there without a doubt.

    Penny-That B____ (Can I say that here? Lol), is crazy! Really interesting and entertaining stuff in an almost ridiculous comical way, careful Izzy lol.

  13. #53
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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    So THBE remind me of Blake and Murphy and Alexa Bliss from years ago, lol, entertaining stuff definitely. I see the "Captain Charisma" Christian, chest slapping thing there lol.

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Took a different approach this week (and will continue to do so). I was bored to death of my old style and I think it started to show, some of this gets referenced in the promo. I hated my promos after I finished them in the last 2 months or so but I am happy with this one.

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by PheTomenal View Post
    Took a different approach this week (and will continue to do so). I was bored to death of my old style and I think it started to show, some of this gets referenced in the promo. I hated my promos after I finished them in the last 2 months or so but I am happy with this one.
    I liked it- a bit of a different setting at the beginning that the norm. A nice transition for the attempts at cutting a commercial to bringing it ty o being about wrestling.

    Graves and Sinn- really liked the pomo and noticed you did a lot better grammatically - and much better with the punctuation. That little extra care does make the promos much easier to read. Keep it up Graves.

    Heartbreak Express- yet another really good promo and I like that you do have the team talk in the promos along with the manager. I like the setting too- there were some formatting issues and one line that I am guessing one of the crew members was saying- you had Madison saying. Least I am pretty sure about it- I will have to reread the promo again.

    Penny- I really like the character and how you write her- she is def not all there. Just another really good promo again

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Apologies for no showing. I've been away for two separate occasions since the card went up and wasn't sure if I'd get a chance to submit anything in between. I wasn't going to struggle to get something done on my phone as it takes twice as much time and editing and formating takes forever, so i decided against submitting something well below par.

    I'm also away all of next week just as an fyi. Looking forward to this show!

  17. #57
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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Hanz Gruber - You're progressing along nicely here and there was enough character development to keep me interested. There are several things though that i wanna bring up in the interest of future progression. one of the bigger sticking points in this promo (for me) was the multiple callbacks to other feds. while its all well and good to imply that you have history with someone from outside FWA, it was used too excessively in this promo for me. Readers in the FWA arent going to have much knowledge or care a ton about what happened in other feds because they're simply not tracking. This promo was at its best when Gruber was selling Gruber, selling his own personality as someone who is not to be messed with or toyed around by management. All the references to EWN and RTE could have been taken out and the promo to a FWA reader would not have been weaker as a whole since you had plenty of good takedowns for deception that weren't centered on said history. History in other feds should be kept as a passing reference; you can and should be rightly proud of what you've built before FWA but keep in mind that the main mission from here on out is to sell to FWA readers the 'so-what' of Hanz Gruber and what Hanz is up to now. a smaller issue with this promo is that in the future id like to see less jumping around in Grubers mood. The part where he suddenly sheds a tear for Karl Panzer kind of pulled me out of it because just a second ago Gruber was laughing and threatening Ashley O'Ryan. Dramatic asides like that are campy and distract from selling Gruber as a serious threat.

    Zako Wrath - This didn't factor into the grade I gave you, but a note of caution about violence against FWA staff lol. In the future I would refrain from excessive violence against on-air FWA staffers because it creates continuity problems and limits what other RPers can do if they want to keep things kayfabe. We've had situations before where Katie Lynn Goldsmith was kidnapped, forced into relationships, a bunch of weird shit that just made using her awkward. Suppose someone next week wants to use Amy Duke for their backstage promo. Is Amy Duke magically recovered from this vicious assault within a week? Does everyone have to stop using Amy Duke while she recovers? You get the point. I would recommend creating your own character-of-the-day in the future if you intend for someone to get beat up or taken out in some way and leave FWA staffers available for all RPers to utilize. Aside from that, this was more good character work for both Zako and Miss DLM. At this point, I'm ready to see Zako take a step up in competition after this week and see how things go against other RPers. The formatting will have to evolve in the future as the promos get a little longer though, or else you may lag behind others in the presentation category.

    Deception - A lot of my review of Deception and Graves/Sinn will sound the same, but I want to come out straight off the bat and note that you are gifted with a very stylish writing style that not everyone has. The FWA has a long tradition of stylish monologue writers at the top of the card, and there is something about your word choices which I find very authentic and relatable in a stream-of-consciousness kind of way. However, this also puts the punctuation problem that others have mentioned in the spotlight too. You are getting hammered in the presentation department by me over the lack of commas in some of your longer sentences. This weeks promo already showed some improvement on that front and I wanna see more, stuff like commas or scene breaks to make things easier to read. As with Gruber, theres also the problem of callbacks to another fed, which is perhaps a bigger problem for Deception because the use of Knight Wing took up a significant part of the promo. Also like Gruber, I really don't think the character needs those callbacks to succeed. There is clearly something creative and expressive that is primed to break through in your writing, and once you fix up the grammar and presentation I feel like your work could soar in FWA.

    Graves/Sinn
    - Basically what I said above. One thing that is slightly more notable in this one as opposed to Darius is that Graves could use more scene descriptors to break up the blocks of text. You did enough of this for Dr. Slater but left Graves part intact when it couldve used more breaks and/or commas. Intriguing story nonetheless, thought I would just caution mildly that more time in the future should be devoted to building Graves/Sinn/Deception in terms of 'what are they doing right now in FWA' since they are new characters. If you introduce too many background characters too quickly (Knight Wing, Dr. Slater, etc) then readers who aren't yet familiar with the main characters will either get confused or glaze over. Give the FWA readers a compelling reason to care about the main characters in the now first.
    Last edited by KAIZEN; 08-09-2017 at 09:04 AM.

  18. #58
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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    The formatting I definitely realized after I sent it, that was due to it being late, and my phone made it extremely difficult to do for more than one person alternating speaking. Certainly won't be like that again. I'll actually be using a computer more often , so hey lol.

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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by KAIZEN View Post
    Hanz Gruber - You're progressing along nicely here and there was enough character development to keep me interested. There are several things though that i wanna bring up in the interest of future progression. one of the bigger sticking points in this promo (for me) was the multiple callbacks to other feds. while its all well and good to imply that you have history with someone from outside FWA, it was used too excessively in this promo for me. Readers in the FWA arent going to have much knowledge or care a ton about what happened in other feds because they're simply not tracking. This promo was at its best when Gruber was selling Gruber, selling his own personality as someone who is not to be messed with or toyed around by management. All the references to EWN and RTE could have been taken out and the promo to a FWA reader would not have been weaker as a whole since you had plenty of good takedowns for deception that weren't centered on said history. History in other feds should be kept as a passing reference; you can and should be rightly proud of what you've built before FWA but keep in mind that the main mission from here on out is to sell to FWA readers the 'so-what' of Hanz Gruber and what Hanz is up to now. a smaller issue with this promo is that in the future id like to see less jumping around in Grubers mood. The part where he suddenly sheds a tear for Karl Panzer kind of pulled me out of it because just a second ago Gruber was laughing and threatening Ashley O'Ryan. Dramatic asides like that are campy and distract from selling Gruber as a serious threat.

    Zako Wrath - This didn't factor into the grade I gave you, but a note of caution about violence against FWA staff lol. In the future I would refrain from excessive violence against on-air FWA staffers because it creates continuity problems and limits what other RPers can do if they want to keep things kayfabe. We've had situations before where Katie Lynn Goldsmith was kidnapped, forced into relationships, a bunch of weird shit that just made using her awkward. Suppose someone next week wants to use Amy Duke for their backstage promo. Is Amy Duke magically recovered from this vicious assault within a week? Does everyone have to stop using Amy Duke while she recovers? You get the point. I would recommend creating your own character-of-the-day in the future if you intend for someone to get beat up or taken out in some way and leave FWA staffers available for all RPers to utilize. Aside from that, this was more good character work for both Zako and Miss DLM. At this point, I'm ready to see Zako take a step up in competition after this week and see how things go against other RPers. The formatting will have to evolve in the future as the promos get a little longer though, or else you may lag behind others in the presentation category.

    Deception - A lot of my review of Deception and Graves/Sinn will sound the same, but I want to come out straight off the bat and note that you are gifted with a very stylish writing style that not everyone has. The FWA has a long tradition of stylish monologue writers at the top of the card, and there is something about your word choices which I find very authentic and relatable in a stream-of-consciousness kind of way. However, this also puts the punctuation problem that others have mentioned in the spotlight too. You are getting hammered in the presentation department by me over the lack of commas in some of your longer sentences. This weeks promo already showed some improvement on that front and I wanna see more, stuff like commas or scene breaks to make things easier to read. As with Gruber, theres also the problem of callbacks to another fed, which is perhaps a bigger problem for Deception because the use of Knight Wing took up a significant part of the promo. Also like Gruber, I really don't think the character needs those callbacks to succeed. There is clearly something creative and expressive that is primed to break through in your writing, and once you fix up the grammar and presentation I feel like your work could soar in FWA.

    Graves/Sinn
    - Basically what I said above. One thing that is slightly more notable in this one as opposed to Darius is that Graves could use more scene descriptors to break up the blocks of text. You did enough of this for Dr. Slater but left Graves part intact when it couldve used more breaks and/or commas. Intriguing story nonetheless, thought I would just caution mildly that more time in the future should be devoted to building Graves/Sinn/Deception in terms of 'what are they doing right now in FWA' since they are new characters. If you introduce too many background characters too quickly (Knight Wing, Dr. Slater, etc) then readers who aren't yet familiar with the main characters will either get confused or glaze over. Give the FWA readers a compelling reason to care about the main characters in the now first.
    thank you appreciate the feedback I put in the Deception stuff with Hanz if anything to just a shout out to our old site and we are friends I always have respected Hanz and I am thrilled to work with him. Sinn it gives him some sort of story besides just being a non talking monster
    Last edited by OMB; 08-09-2017 at 01:11 PM.

  20. #60
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    Re: Fight Night August 11th Promo Discussion Thread

    Graves, you can call me Michael here, or EHC if you wanted. It feels weird being called by Hanz by someone I have known for awhile. Am glad finally getting a chance to work with you. We may have worked together in the wwe fantasy fed before- but as Hanz I haven't worked with you, had him on the back burner for a few years

    And thanks for the critique Kai- I get what you are saying. I had done this in my promo against Daruis too as I know his character pretty good too. But yeah, it is something that doesn't matter here especially with how much I talked about it.

    I will read the other promos later and hopefully get to sy something about them- taking a lunch break
    Last edited by hanz gruber; 08-09-2017 at 02:14 PM.

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