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Thread: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

  1. #41
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by Gambit View Post
    I would love to feedback on the work. Since I enjoy telling stories I'm thinking of working my format and having scene from TJG's past mixed with current events and then promos.
    I like that idea kind of how they do on the show Arrow.

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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    You need a good catchphrase tho

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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Some insight into my Promo and where I was coming from. I was essentially having it be done from the perspective of a real life wrestling business in which Vincent would/could technically be considered a veteran at this point. He perceives the X Championship, the X Division, as a whole, as the "Gateway to the FWA". I say that because unless all of the stars, planets, etc all came together and aligned just right, there would be no actual legit way that a new Talent, (EXAMPLE -- whom both Jason & Merriweather would technically be considered -- EXAMPLE), would be able to join the FWA [or any Wrestling Promotion] and not only skip to the head of the line and remotely think about winning the top Championship. Vincent feels that with this No DQ X Championship Match [albeit it being his last wrestling match] as a way for the Powers That Be to see if someone like Merriweather would be able to have the longevity of lasting in the FWA, be able to have memorable feuds/matches, would be able to be a "viable Champion".

    Or, in the case of X Champion, Jason Randall, if he has what it takes to have high-pressured, life-altering, feuds and matches as well as, if down the road he gets a chance at the FWA North American or even the highest belt, the FWA Unified World Championship, if he has what it takes to not only catch the ball but be able to carry and take the ball to the next level. Because while I am using this next example loosely because I, in no way, would ever see Vincent as being on the same level as Cyrus Truth, Shannon, Kennedy (if Chris stays), etc, but in terms of pushing the envelope, going beyond what would be "humanly possible", leaving it all on the line and literally being able to put their blood, sweat and tears into things, Vincent would be up there.

    So in Vincent's mind, if Merriweather were to win the X Championship then he would have deserved that win. If Jason were to retain it, then he would've deserved it because in Vincent's mind, this being his last wrestling match, he ain't got nothing to lose. He will go out to the ring, raise chaos, raise anarchy, make Jason and Merriweather bleed, force them to go beyond their limits and see just how much endurance they have, if they have the reserves to actually pull out the win. All the while make them realize that by becoming the X Champion, or retaining it in Jason's case, they will have a giant ass target on their backs along with showing those that come after, that THAT is what they'll have to deal with, that they'll have to do, to not only go after the X Championship let alone any of the other FWA Championships but they'll have to do anything and everything to keep said Championship.

    [I WIN]


  4. #44
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Alts the only person I knowcwho reviews his own promos.

  5. #45
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I reviewed my own promos but then I got buried for it

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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by Powerful Sayer View Post
    Alts the only person I knowcwho reviews his own promos.
    WTF really? F*** you.

    So giving insight as to where i was coming from in my promo automatically means that I was reviewing my own promo?
    Last edited by The Altyrell; 07-07-2017 at 03:24 PM.

    [I WIN]


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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    It was a joke. Lighten up.

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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by Powerful Sayer View Post
    It was a joke. Lighten up.
    No, cause it was a stupid joke and you're supposed to be a FWA Mod. You're in a position of power, of influence, can't be going around making random jokes freely like that.

    [I WIN]


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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Yes. I can.

    We're here for fun. To have a good time. I dont get paid to do this, Alt. I'm not going to be super serious all the time...none of us should be, but I didnt flame you either. Chill out and take a joke.

  10. #50
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Well this went sour fast

    In other news, in the vain hope that's the end of the above. Imma be reviewing all the promos for the show.

    And if you want go ahead and give me them reviews.
    The most amazing thing about this recent conversation is that I've learned AON is even more of a waste of space than I thought he was previously

  11. #51
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I want my work to be Edgar Allan Poe!!... or at worst Vince Russo... just kidding.

  12. #52
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by Gambit View Post
    I want my work to be Edgar Allan Poe!!... or at worst Vince Russo... just kidding.
    To be fair, Russe did help WWE thru rough times twice- once by working for them, and the other time when he was working for WCW

  13. #53

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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    More reviews:


    Starr: This promo made me happy. It isn't a world class promo or anything but it showcases just how much you've improved recently and stepped up. I don't know if that's due to taking advice on board, reading other stuff or just getting into the character more but it's good to see and I think it's only just the beginning for you, regardless of the result of this match. There's a lot of potential in Starr. I thought the face portrayal was really good. There is something slightly jarring in a doctor just allowing someone potentially injured to go and start training for a match though. I think it would've been better if Starr was told he could not wrestle but defied orders anyway. It's cliche but it works better in this situation. Promos are full of cliches anyway. The Big Ol Book of Jobbers was a funny idea... though I think it contrasts slightly with the face vibe you give off throughout the promo and I feel conflicted reading some parts mixed with others. I get distinct face vibes then distinct heel vibes and so on. I don't know whether I want the dude to win or not. It's too confusing imo. I think if you're going to open the promo with something that kind of draws sympathy then it's better not to have dialogue that takes away the sympathy later on. Lastly, I think the flow of the dialogue is interrupted a little too much with the non-verbal descriptors - it's easier just to break the dialogue up and then resume speaking etc if you wanna convey that stuff IMO. That's just personal preference though. A solid promo with room for improvement. It's waaaay better than what you used to write though so it's a good step forward. I would have also liked the NA title mentioned a little more.

    Genocide:
    I'm gonna go ahead and echo some earlier sentiments here and say there needs to be a scene. It's all fine writing down dialogue and stuff but it's going to be noticeably lacking compared to everyone else, unfortunately. I think the dialogue is strong but could do with being spaced out in a scene with some emotion/tone being described to go along with it. For all I know, Graves is speaking in a robotic manner. I'd just like to see a scene being set with actions, tone etc developed. There's not much to do if it's just dialogue and it means there's a lack of character development or emotion and it's difficult to get invested in the characters in that case. The line about Sinn being right there just doesn't mean anything because you aren't showing me that. Why's he a threat? Write a description about him being tall and showcase him as a threatening figure as well as saying it so you can emphasise the point. As I said, the dialogue was good IMO. I would also recommend proof reading so that there aren't as many grammatical mistakes. There's something there if you take the time to flesh things out but overall, the promo feels rushed and the good dialogue has no impact because there's no substance to it.

    Jason Randall: Said multiple times but really, you've improved a ton and you're proof that consistently putting effort in will pay off. Similar to Starr's, I feel a little mixed reading this promo. The stuff about Randall's dad feels designed to make the reader feel for Randall or be on his side... but as a heel, it doesn't work for me. Especially because his father calls him out on his treatment of some people too. In a way, it's good development as it kind of helps translate why Randall's a bit fucked up... but I feel that through Randall's words later, I shouldn't be feeling sympathy for him. It's a little difficult to suggest how I'd do it as Randall's dad is the bad guy in the situation and anything Jason does to rebel against him is good guy stuff. I think I would have just had Jason phone his mother and tell her to blow it out her ass rather than actually showing up. Maybe say to Penny that she's the only person he considers important now etc. The verbal attacks on the opponents were good - the stuff with Vincent (no one caring about him being gone) was good. I can respect the character development and attempt to tell a backstory but I'd urge caution when doing so - you need to do it in a manner that draws the desired reaction. Randall's not a character I want to feel sorry for, he's a character I want to hate and you should try to tell any backstory in a manner that makes the reader dislike him. Like when Jason's dad told him he did horrible things - Jason shouldn't have retorted the way he did, he should've retorted that he WAS raised that way and he's glad about it because it makes him stronger etc. That way, any sympathy is gone as Jason shows no regret about it. In any case, I think the promo was fine. Nothing really bad about it, just left me feeling a bit mixed regarding the character. I would also say that you should proofread a little bit too and suppress some grammatical stuff. I know it's nitpicky but a few missed exclamation marks and commas here and there might be the difference between winning and losing because of the grading scale having its own category for spelling and grammar.

    Izzy Van Doren: The QnA format is a little bit dull, there's not a lot of substance to it - I do like getting a little bit of character insight but, largely, you could remove that entire part of the promo and it would change nothing. Izzy says that she is at Hot Topic to promote Back in Business but she doesn't speak much about it. The second part of the promo is slightly better but I would've gone about the entire promo in a different way. I would have had the QnA thing start - maybe through Periscope or whatever app it is rather than through the camera crew - and have Izzy answer some normal Qs at first before getting Qs more geared towards FWA, BIB and the match etc. I'd then have Trystan approach her after she's done with the Periscope - instead of having the scene just 'jump'. There's character development here and that is fine but I think I would have preferred more on the match. There's parts of the promo where I feel like there's too much namedropping of the bands and marking out over them and whatnot that it kind of just overshadows any focus on the match, to be honest. I can't fault you for the character traits shown and any character development, though. I just think that I'm left with very little if superfluous stuff is stripped from the promo. I enjoyed what I read but I feel like a lot more focus could've been given to the match. I think, down the line, promos that are more character focused will benefit you when Izzy has been around longer and has me invested.

    The Olympians: Really conflicted about this. I am a fan of the Olympians, the gimmick and everything that's going on, and I like this promo for what it is. But I feel like it's weak for a Tag Title Match promo at BIB. Similarly, I feel that way about your opponents but I'll elaborate on that in their review. I'm a fan of the story arcs you have going and I think that continuing them is a strong point but, again, I feel like the overwhelm what should be the true focus of the promo in the tag titles. I don't think it's an entirely fair criticism due to the booking nature of the match and the fact the Tag division is only just getting back onto its feet again. Maybe with a proper program with HBE you could pump out something more focused. One thing is for sure though: you have intriguing characters and are writing a good story. The dialogue spent on focusing on the match in the third segment is really good. The end of the promo - It doesn't come as a surprise that Hades is Dionysus but what does feel surprising is that it seems like it'll lead to a breakup of the team. I guess it just depends when Ares figures it out. It's good stuff but, again, I feel like the match took a backseat. I would've liked more fire from Ares in this promo. Maybe something about taking his anger out on the HBE and so on. I feel more could've been injected into the discussion between the pair. I think a better balance of focus is needed in this promo but I am intrigued to see where the story goes next.

    Humanity: A really well written promo in my opinion. It's very good. But I think there's a flaw in that you spend alot of time giving me background information of the setting but - honestly - alot of the information is unnecessary and feels like 'padding' after reading the entire thing. The sort of information you're giving about it is only going to be relevant to me if you want me to form a connection with the place and that it's going to feature more and more in each subsequent promo. Otherwise, you don't need to contribute that much towards describing the setting. I think it could've been done in a more concise manner. Either that or the location needs to be woven more into Humanity's dialogue than just being properly discussed at the end. That's not me saying the work is bad, though, it's very good. I just would've liked a more established connection for Humanity to the location. A critique, that also goes for my own promo btw, is that I would've liked Humanity to explain why he's there, why has he chosen this place etc? I think it's a very unique and clear Humanity promo, though. One thing fell flat for me in Humanity rejecting the tag of 'conqueror' then going on to describe himself as someone who conquers conquerors... just felt... silly. Should've used a word other than 'conquer' IMO. 'Opposes' or 'Vanquishes' would've worked better. I enjoyed the promo and the character now has my attention. This would've scored highly for me if there was more said about opponents rather than just briefly focusing on Parr. That's not to say I expected the typical multi man "checklist" promo but a mention of the opponents would be nice rather than ignorance altogether.

    Penny: I would've liked this promo to be a little bit longer. The crying thing was typical psycho - I like it, it fits Penny. The chasing after of Katie was pretty funny too - and I liked the callback to the history between the characters. It allows for something more than just the typical interviewer-wrestler dynamic that you see often. I think it could've helped to have a bit of a better setting or something that stood out a little more. You could have had the Katie-Penny chase last longer with Penny shouting more at her and with perhaps Katie ending up somewhere seriously unsafe. Maybe accidentally stumbling into a lair of 'obsession' Penny had created surrounding Izzy before suddenly becoming maniacal. Or Penny could've taken Katie somewhere and recreated the kidnapping in a way. Something like that. The focus being on Izzy was warranted and really a smart move. But, I do think that a psychopathic character like Penny would have went into visceral detail - to the point of being obsessive moreso than displayed in the promo. Nothing said was bad, though and I can't really fault it. I just think that, ultimately, there was more to be said or you could have used the psychotic characteristic a little more to really push the envelope. The psychotic Penny character is solid and I think the promo work is fine but I think you could put over the psychotic element alot more in some actions and become really unique in your promo work. Overall, for a short promo, this was pretty good. A little more setting creativity, dialogue and character work and it would've scored well.


    More to come tomorrow.
    ----



    ----




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    ~~HAVE A NICE DAY~~
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  14. #54
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by RyuShake Taguchi View Post
    More reviews:


    Starr: This promo made me happy. It isn't a world class promo or anything but it showcases just how much you've improved recently and stepped up. I don't know if that's due to taking advice on board, reading other stuff or just getting into the character more but it's good to see and I think it's only just the beginning for you, regardless of the result of this match. There's a lot of potential in Starr. I thought the face portrayal was really good. There is something slightly jarring in a doctor just allowing someone potentially injured to go and start training for a match though. I think it would've been better if Starr was told he could not wrestle but defied orders anyway. It's cliche but it works better in this situation. Promos are full of cliches anyway. The Big Ol Book of Jobbers was a funny idea... though I think it contrasts slightly with the face vibe you give off throughout the promo and I feel conflicted reading some parts mixed with others. I get distinct face vibes then distinct heel vibes and so on. I don't know whether I want the dude to win or not. It's too confusing imo. I think if you're going to open the promo with something that kind of draws sympathy then it's better not to have dialogue that takes away the sympathy later on. Lastly, I think the flow of the dialogue is interrupted a little too much with the non-verbal descriptors - it's easier just to break the dialogue up and then resume speaking etc if you wanna convey that stuff IMO. That's just personal preference though. A solid promo with room for improvement. It's waaaay better than what you used to write though so it's a good step forward. I would have also liked the NA title mentioned a little more.

    Izzy Van Doren: The QnA format is a little bit dull, there's not a lot of substance to it - I do like getting a little bit of character insight but, largely, you could remove that entire part of the promo and it would change nothing. Izzy says that she is at Hot Topic to promote Back in Business but she doesn't speak much about it. The second part of the promo is slightly better but I would've gone about the entire promo in a different way. I would have had the QnA thing start - maybe through Periscope or whatever app it is rather than through the camera crew - and have Izzy answer some normal Qs at first before getting Qs more geared towards FWA, BIB and the match etc. I'd then have Trystan approach her after she's done with the Periscope - instead of having the scene just 'jump'. There's character development here and that is fine but I think I would have preferred more on the match. There's parts of the promo where I feel like there's too much namedropping of the bands and marking out over them and whatnot that it kind of just overshadows any focus on the match, to be honest. I can't fault you for the character traits shown and any character development, though. I just think that I'm left with very little if superfluous stuff is stripped from the promo. I enjoyed what I read but I feel like a lot more focus could've been given to the match. I think, down the line, promos that are more character focused will benefit you when Izzy has been around longer and has me invested.

    More to come tomorrow.
    Totally mean what you say when you got face/heel vibes from Starr's promo. I kinda felt the same way when I read through it again and again. I more or less considered it more of Starr's tongue in cheek jabs. Went with like a Seth Rollins/HHH type deal with the doctor. Like he wouldn't advise it, but also isn't going to stop him. Guess I probably should've said that lol. Thanks man for the comments on my improvement. I've always felt like this was what I was writing but I just didn't understand "Why do I need to do a scene for a wrestling promo?" because I'm dumb and don't understand how writing works. I hate to say it but I've committed to keeping Starr off for a little bit and I guess that's my fault. I really started to hate writing for him... right around CC because I felt like I was not improving at all and I became really jaded and didn't want to be in an efed anymore. Then... I started writing Izzy as a character and I felt like I was having fun again because it was something completely different. I've joined some other efeds and the comments I get from them have helped me a lot too. I also found turning Starr face was probably the best move. So really to everyone who's said it/gonna say it, thanks so much for the words of encouragement and it's nice to hear that I've improved.

    The QnA thing came at me because I think QnA's are cute and simple and something easy to start off a promo. An appetizer if you will. The format was taken from Hot Topic's Hot Minute videos but I just extended it. It also comes from me having absolutely no idea what to write for Izzy half the time lol. Going back, I probably would've done like a Facebook Live QnA or something like that. The idea for Trystan came from my friend(he wants to join but I knew he probably wouldn't get on the card so I assumed being a valet for one night wouldn't hurt). I kinda felt like I kept doing the same loop sometimes too. The band name drops(I'm told by my friend) makes you sound more like you know your shit and you don't look fake and I listen to most of the bands in the lineup. Sorry if it got kinda repetitive, me getting carried away. Character development isn't my strong suit so to say so I kinda shoved a lot in here and said ''HERE LIKE MY CHARACTER PLEASE!" but if it sounded a little "word-vomity" then I'm sorry. To be completely truthful, I had no idea how to come into the match and promo for it and I was completely fucking lost. I've never had to promo a six person tag match and I didn't really reference the match when Starr was in the Ultimate X and that was 2 or 3 weeks after I debuted? I was really out of my element, and I put the feelings I had into Izzy.

    Thanks Shake for the reviews.

    ------------------------

  15. #55
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Ill do full reviews once my matches are written buttwo guys really stepped up immensely for this PPV and one of those guys was Starr. Everyone did a great job with some really strong showings but there were two that stood out and made me say "I knew they had it in them!" Who was the other? In time, my friends.

  16. #56
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Ya i forgot I had promo detail after I sent it in Ty for all the construtive though always can improve

  17. #57
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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I'll just say I've definitely been enjoying doing things Miss De La Muerta and Zako Wrath and I definitely see the constructive points mentioned, and I'll go on to say there's definitely some big time developments coming.

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    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Thanks for the feedback everyone. I wish I could have done more with mine as it is for a big show but life got in the way a bit.

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