Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 21 to 40 of 58

Thread: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

  1. #21
    Jobber
    James Sync's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    60
    Rep Power
    34

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I'll take one Tig. Haven't gotten much criticism since come back. I would critique others, but I don't feel comfortable enough in my own RPs to tell others about theirs.

  2. #22
    SOS Brigade Member
    Grim's Avatar

    Status
    Online
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Sleepy Eye, Minnesota
    Posts
    4,213
    Rep Power
    32913
      Country                    United States

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I too, would love a review from anybody. I love opinions on my work.


    Grim's Threads


    Spoiler:

    Grim Reviews Random Games / WWE: Rewriting History / Resident Evil: Raccoon City / Humanity




  3. #23
    Mid-Card Champion
    Tommy Thunder's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Birmingham
    Posts
    602
    Rep Power
    18236
      Country                    Wales

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Sorry that I can't give more in-depth reviews of promos, but I'm still getting to grips with the style here so I don't feel that I'm necessarily in a position to give worthwhile constructive criticism! I've also only picked out some of the promos which I feel I can have a say on.

    Danny Toner:

    This was a great promo, dare I say, my favorite one. It was heartfelt, meaningful and you could feel the passion jumping out at you. It'll be a shame if it gets DQ'ed but it was a treat to read so I'm glad you submitted it anyway Tig.

    Michael Garcia:
    Tonner's opponent, Garcia, brought it too. A great RP here. It would have been interesting to have seen how this match would have gone had Tig's promo counted (if it's been DQ'ed) but alas, this match ill hopefully still be a competitive one.

    Chris Kennedy:
    I enjoyed the scene setting for this promo, very captivating. This made you sit and pay attention. You had to read on. Keeping a reader interested is always key and Jiggy did that here.

    Mark Merriwether:
    I enjoyed this promo, impactful. Didn't have the length of some others but I'm of the opinion that you don't need that necessarily. Quality trumps quantity for me. I think it's a skill to make an impact with a shorter promo and I feel that this achieved that.

    James Sync:

    I enjoyed this promo too. I'm not too familiar with James Sync so I got a bit of his backstory here. An intense promo which conveyed Sync's anger well.

    Mike Parr:
    Great entry by Prodigy for Mike Parr. Really good promo that had length but didn't waste words. It's very easy to waffle when trying to add length to a promo (I think I do this sometimes) but there was none of that here.

    Phillip A. Jackson:

    A great entry from Jackson here. The stuff with Kerry Kennedy's grave was scintillating. I think this match is going to be one of the ones to watch on the show, it'll be very interesting to see if Kennedy or Jackson wins.

    Humanity:
    The setting of the scene was very good, you clearly put a lot of thought into this and did a lot of research into it. The promo itself was good too. I like Humanity as a character. I like that you addressed the North American Champion in your promo but I would have liked some mention of the #1 contenders match and perhaps the participants in that match too. Not necessarily all of the participants, but at least a couple.

    Graves:
    I know this character from the EWN e-feds. A character I feel that's always had potential but OMB has always left me wanting more. I feel the same way about this entry. There needs to be some better formatting to make it easier to read and there's no setting of the scene or anything here. I know that you're in a cold dark room, but that's about it. What's Graves wearing? Where is the room? What expression is on Graves' face? I need more info.

    Starr:
    Starr's another character that's a favorite of mine, and if ONAM keeps this up I could see him climbing the ladder of success in FWA. I really dug the setting of the scene and the delving into the relationship between Starr and Anna. Come on Anna, you can't tell me that this is purely a business relationship if you're sleeping in the same bed and in your underwear!! Good running down of the opponents. I think Starr's one of the favorites in the #1 contenders match to go on and face Parr later it he night.

    Mac Michaud:
    Fun promo here from Michaud, who I don't know too much about. I think this match vs TJG will be a close one to call too, be very interesting to see what happens here.

    Hanz Gruber:
    Another character I know well from the EWN e-feds. I think you've grasped the style of how things work here well man, better than I have anyway! I think this is a great entry for your match. I suspect that it won't win you the match due to a couple of other stronger entries (IMO), but I expect Hanz to put up a great fight since you're nearly on par with the stronger entries I'd say. If you keep this up then it won't be long until you do get a shot at the title perhaps!

  4. #24
    HOSS MOD

    Cyrus Truth's Avatar

    Status
    Online
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Long and Winding Road
    Posts
    20,347
    Rep Power
    86981

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by The Golden One View Post
    Gonna be a barnburner, Cy.
    Yep. Pray for violence.

  5. #25
    Striving for a B+ in life
    The Golden One's Avatar

    Status
    Online
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Orlando, Florida
    Posts
    6,249
    Rep Power
    131719
      Country                    United States

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Zako Wraith: Want to start by reminding everyone that you have a small window (I think 15 minutes but Shake can clarify) to edit your promos after you publish them. This one was edited 12 hours after the fact. I know it's one of your first ones so it's probably worth a look the other way but just reminders for everyone so there's no leeway in the future. We have to avoid someone editing something to respond to an opponent who posted a promo after.

    As for the promo, the feel of the character is good but you need to clean up the format a bit. Separate the descriptions from the speaking parts to distinguish them. Use italics and bold for one part and not the other. Use a different color for one. Whatever. Something to make it look more appealing. But the feeling of the promo was very well done. I like how you have Miss De La Muerta speak for Zako.


    Hanz Gruber: Solid promo. The list/cutout/print out/note card style for group matches are a little overdone but I love Hanz's personality. He's very unique from everyone else. And he comes across as a good face here. I think you're a contender to win but to beat Parr — and I think you can beat him — you're going to need to give a little more depth to the character. Meaningful depth. Or you need to get into an actual feud with him and get heat in the promo. But for now, depth to the character would work well here. All I really see is a rich dude burning cutouts of his opponents and flirting with the hot FWA interviewer. There's character traits, but there's not a lot of meat on the bones, if that makes sense. The color coding is a little too colorful and bright. Not the combination I'd pick but it's no biggie. I'd almost rather a darker shade of red/orange/brown for Hanz's speaking parts. Just a suggestion.


    Mac: This would be a very good promo if it was a segment for the go-home show of Fight Night. It's a great feud-developing segment, but I don't think it's standing out for the feud-blowoff promo. And I think you know that. It happens. For what it's worth, I think you did a good job being the heel here, with how Mac interacted with the crowd. The setting of the ring was a little dull. Reminiscing on Mac's past accomplishments is all well and fine, but you've done that before in other returns. I think you need more development and progression looking forward, and more of a focus on that. The only real development we had was the teaser to Fight Night and "not coming back alone." I enjoyed that. I just wish it was more of a focus of the promo.


    "The Golden One" Devin Golden

    3x FWA World Heavyweight Champion
    2x FWA X Champion
    4x FWA Tag Team Champion
    Final record: 94-58-10


    Shannon O'Neal
    2x FWA Women's Champion
    1x FWA World Champion


  6. #26
    Backyarder
    ONAMStar's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Posts
    83
    Rep Power
    6918
      Country                    United States

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    @Hanz, thanks bruh glad you enjoyed the book gag lol

    @Tommy, honestly warms my cold heart to hear Starr's one of your favorites. Maybe it's because we're so similar lol Division One in A Million will only exist in my mind (kinda like The Last Starrs) Believe it or not, the Anna scene is somewhat based on something that happened to me IRL. She said we were only ever going to be platonic whilst I was in her bed. She only wanted someone to spoon her lol.

    Appreciate the reviews you two. Thank you.

    If anyone wants to do a review of it, I'd like one for Izzy. I'm really self conscious about writing her sometimes. Was there too much, was there not enough promo? Would love some criticism.

    ------------------------

  7. #27
    Tacos Rule!
    hanz gruber's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    349
    Rep Power
    16362
      Country                    United States

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Thanks for the pointers- will keep them in mind when continuing with my Hanz character- as for the cut outs- yeah I didnt know how that would come off- just wanted it to be different. That and after I wrote it- I was actually flying out to see Rammstein(seeing they were not gonna be coming to New Orleans for a long time) so I thought of a flamethrower being used in my promo.

    As for the depth of him- yeah I have to build up that with the way things work here. I have always had him pretty much a tweener- more of an asshole towards some though. But yes, there needs to be more than just that- I know I need to show why he is like that- what makes him tick- like you said meaningful depth.

    And yes, I get the color coding comment.

  8. #28
    Tacos Rule!
    hanz gruber's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    349
    Rep Power
    16362
      Country                    United States

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by ONAMStar View Post
    @Hanz, thanks bruh glad you enjoyed the book gag lol

    @Tommy, honestly warms my cold heart to hear Starr's one of your favorites. Maybe it's because we're so similar lol Division One in A Million will only exist in my mind (kinda like The Last Starrs) Believe it or not, the Anna scene is somewhat based on something that happened to me IRL. She said we were only ever going to be platonic whilst I was in her bed. She only wanted someone to spoon her lol.

    Appreciate the reviews you two. Thank you.

    If anyone wants to do a review of it, I'd like one for Izzy. I'm really self conscious about writing her sometimes. Was there too much, was there not enough promo? Would love some criticism.
    Hey it was funny. And like I said- you did the listing of your opponents in a good way. It worked

    As for Izzy- I liked it for the fact that I got to know the character better- I mean its what her second promo. I would have prob liked it a bit more with talking about the match. But thats just me.

  9. #29
    Squash Fodder

    Status
    Online
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    162
    Rep Power
    4352

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I wanna say I simply edited the location because of the New Orleans/San Diego thing lol.

  10. #30
    Squash Fodder

    Status
    Online
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    162
    Rep Power
    4352

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I definitely wouldn't edit to compete with a later opponent , that's just vanilla midget stuff there lol.

    Though the formatting separation for actions and dialogue makes sense and I'll definitely use it the first chance I get . Thanks Golden.

  11. #31
    Tacos Rule!
    hanz gruber's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    349
    Rep Power
    16362
      Country                    United States

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by 1000Deaths View Post
    I definitely wouldn't edit to compete with a later opponent , that's just vanilla midget stuff there lol.

    Though the formatting separation for actions and dialogue makes sense and I'll definitely use it the first chance I get . Thanks Golden.
    I don't get the vanilla midget stuff comment. I mean yes, I know what it means when Kevin Nash says it. but not sure what you mean by it

  12. #32
    Squash Fodder

    Status
    Online
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    162
    Rep Power
    4352

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by hanz gruber View Post
    I don't get the vanilla midget stuff comment. I mean yes, I know what it means when Kevin Nash says it. but not sure what you mean by it
    Just a general deragatory term lol.

  13. #33
    Striving for a B+ in life
    The Golden One's Avatar

    Status
    Online
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Orlando, Florida
    Posts
    6,249
    Rep Power
    131719
      Country                    United States

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    No biggie. I understand why you edited it.


    "The Golden One" Devin Golden

    3x FWA World Heavyweight Champion
    2x FWA X Champion
    4x FWA Tag Team Champion
    Final record: 94-58-10


    Shannon O'Neal
    2x FWA Women's Champion
    1x FWA World Champion


  14. #34
    THE 559

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Dublin
    Posts
    4,799
    Rep Power
    76698
      Country                    Ireland

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Quote Originally Posted by James Sync View Post
    I'll take one Tig. Haven't gotten much criticism since come back. I would critique others, but I don't feel comfortable enough in my own RPs to tell others about theirs.
    First things first, I don't know a whole pile about Sync's first run so if some things are lost on me - don't take offense, it's just lack of knowledge. Your description stands out to me, I like being placed in the setting but I've always believed superfluous description is actually off-putting; you can create a scene and atmosphere with only a few words and you do really well at this. In fact, for my own personal taste I'd say you excel in the way you describe things. Enough to make it a bit flowery but not overbearing. For me I don't wanna have to read 150 words describing the how a singular light-bulb lights up a room and reading 3 lines to find out he's wearing jeans, boots, a tank-top and a bandana. I think you're threading the line nicely here. Non-dialogue stuff is an important part of a promo but I think sometimes people go too far with it. Good happy medium you have here. Your dialogue is decent. It's good writing don't get me wrong but what I'm reading seems to flicker between what somebody would write to describe what they are thinking and to what somebody would actually say. Now, as I said, maybe I don't know enough about the Sync character and this type of overly-wordy, cryptic, all-knowing, "problem with the masses of society" thing is his gig but ... I don't know it doesn't feel real. I wouldn't usually point something like this out but I feel Sync could be one of those very real people in the FWA, rather than someone that excels as a character like let's say - Bell Connolly or Mac Michaud. I'd expand on this whole thing about causing a suicide - not just using your words for expansion but show HOW it affects Sync, show him committing acts you'd commit when you feel over-whelmed by regret rather than just saying you regret it. The last paragraph picked up for me; you tied in what you were saying with the North American Championship and your plans for an open fight night type deal and it worked to an extent. It felt like it was slightly shoe-horned in to fit the other stuff you were saying but I'll give it a pass, it did work decently. It's good writing but I'm just struggling to grasp exactly what it is Sync is trying to be. It sometimes sounded condescending but from what I gathered - from the final paragraph - Sync is a face. A warrior on a path to redemption and willing to take on all challenges is a good path to take but I think in this kind of redemption arc you should be chasing the challenge, not inviting it onto you. I imagine this will score decently and rightly so - I'm actually a fan of the promo, just thought I'd give some criticisms rather than just saying I liked this fairly well. It's early on in your return and I think if you keep churning it out and properly get a grasp on what you want Sync to be then we'll have a real player on our hands.
    As an aside I REALLY didn't want to like the last line as it sounds cheesy but it worked in context with the end of your last big paragraph - I just kind of wish now you told us MORE about how you're going to win the championship and defend it regularly, thus, being back in business. Good promo man.
    LUCHA! LUCHA! LUCHA!


  15. #35
    Tacos Rule!
    hanz gruber's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    349
    Rep Power
    16362
      Country                    United States

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Ok, finally got to read the rest of the promos.

    Some of them need no crtuque at all. They are at the top for a reason.

    Merriweather - keeps writing the way he does- the next top guy.

    Toner- you a dressed the spacing issues- some words cramming together- but it didn't take away from it being a very well done promo. I hope they allow it because really, yours and the Garcia one (not sure the user-rPower?) are evenly matched up as far as quality

    Sync- as with the last few promos you have done, I really like the way you are doing the whole Road to Redemption- it's making me want to see what happens when Sync finally gets it

    Chris Kennedy - yet another promo njoye. Great detail and ares Tommy pointed out, keeps you wanting to read the rest.
    Last edited by hanz gruber; 07-06-2017 at 09:34 PM.

  16. #36
    Heel Champion
    Just Plain Sayer's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    3,644
    Rep Power
    60350

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Ya know....this NA title situation... this is going to be close. Several people jumped leapsvand bounds for this match.

  17. #37

    RainShaker's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Korakuen Hall Safe Standing Section
    Posts
    15,039
    Rep Power
    358954
      Country                    Jamaica

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Zako Wrath: As already said, you should fix the format as it's a little bit jarring to read in its current form. I know the Spanish is all for realism and stuff but idk, I guess I'd like a translation in brackets or something so that it's easier to understand. Though I guess it could ruin the flow of a promo for some. The actual content was simple enough. The scene descriptions are good and it feels very like it fits with the character. I don't mind De La Muerte speaking for him alot as it makes sense here but I think it's going to get more difficult, going down the line, to make sure that these promos feel like Zako Wrath promos and not De La Muerte promos. So I'd make sure that you still give off the vibe of it being a Wrath promo whenever you write one. I think it's fine here. I don't think the North American title was mentioned enough for me to consider this as a potential winner. It took a big backseat. But this match was kind of car crash booking at the last minute to fill gaps so it's not like you were built up for this challenge or anything. I'd just focus on making sure to flesh out what you say about opponents more in future rather than everything, seemingly, boiling down to "i'll wreck you for being in my way" sort of deal. I would've liked it if you had De La Muerte compare Zako to each of the opponents and explain exactly why he would merk them and so on. I'm interested in the character, though. Look forward to seeing more.

    Hanz Gruber: There's a distinct comedy vibe coming off here and I'm not sure if it is deliberate or not... I kind of get the feeling that he's a bit of an eccentric, arrogant goof. For how the promo works - I think Katie Lynn, in general, is overused in promos by people. It doesn't take away from the promo massively but it's always something that just doesn't strike me as creative anymore. It's also jarring because everyone writes her in a different way. I felt her dialogue was a little robotic and was pretty much base dialogue for any interviewer. I did like the flamethrower stuff though and it was a bit of a twist with the inclusion of Katie burning them instead. I think it could've been longer with some more depth added. Like, why would Hanz want to challenge Parr? Why would he want the title? All I got was that he's pretty sure he's going to beat them all but... I didn't really get to know why he was sure or what motivated him to do so. Again refer to my comment about the booking of the match and stuff and maybe it's too early/not suitable. But I'm sure over time, Hanz can be built into a serious contender with some character development. Just would've liked more on the match and opponents. Your character has history in MMA and competing elsewhere so I would have liked that referenced when bigging himself up.

    Mac Michaud:
    I thought the promo was good though the setting's a little uninspired. Can't fault any descriptions or anything like that. I think, for the setting and all, the length works out just alright... but I think I would've liked more. Just a few things that stood out to me: I don't think bringing up losses is good to try and make a point of someone being in over their head (when you mention Rondo, for example, you should just say that you've faced Rondo at Back in Business before rather than explicitly referencing it as a loss) -- like the second paragraph is more along the lines of what you should say. Mac telling the crowd to shut up was funny and was good at bringing it back to being a heel promo - I wouldn't have liked it if Mac continued on with the crowd behind him. There's nothing overly bad about the promo but I think it could have been better if it was longer and, perhaps, in a different setting. The shots at Galloway were good, though.

    Sin City Vultures: Intriguing promo. I like the character development - I feel Christopher being intimidating and somewhat 'superior' to BUCK here gives off the impression that he's the mastermind. I guess I'm supposed to see that Christopher's explanation for moral codes, sin etc. is supposed to reflect on how he acted and spoke in the opening scene. It works fine imo. But I don't think the opening scene is all that needed, in all honesty. I feel like if you take it away then the promo still stands fine on its own. But, it does develop the character a little more. A strong villainous vibe though and I like it. My only worry is that BUCK doesn't speak much and I get the feeling that he's going to end up underdeveloped or just simply end up as Christopher's sidekick that doesn't do anything without Christopher's say so. That's fine but I think it'll eventually undermine the point of being a 'team'. I'd say Christopher as a singles wrestler with BUCK as his bodyguard/enforcer is something that I'd envision from this promo. As far as speaking about the match goes, it was minimal but it's fine. I would've liked more on the opponents. Christopher seems like someone who likes to analyse things so I don't feel like he'd just brush over his opponents by saying he'd feast on them. But really good job and I look forward to seeing more from you. It's a very good start IMO.

    Tommy Thunder: Lol. This was pretty funny. I do get the Jericho-vibe from time to time and I'm not sure if it hinders you or helps you, maybe it's both. It's very easy to read dialogue as Jericho's voice is what I hear. I also see a bit of White Goodman in the character with his me, me, me attitude. I actually like it alot. The complaints levied at Ashley, I think, were legitimate in kayfabe but the overexaggeration with believing he should face Parr was pretty good. I think the character isn't someone who should draw sympathy or be agreed with by the reader/viewer so it's good that you went overboard with it. O'Ryan's response was really good too and I'm glad you used the character in this fashion. It seems like it lit a fire under your character's ass and I'm glad. I think the ending segment was a little... repetitive of what's been said in the promo already. Thunder addressing O'Ryan directly was jarring when he had just seen O'Ryan - so why didn't he just say all of that then? All in all, the dialogue was really good and funny - very in character IMO and I think the promo is a good comeback showing from you. I don't know if you could have spoken more or not, I think it was the right length for this sort of match. Good job.

    More reviews to come tomorrow.
    ----



    ----




    IMPORTANT MESSAGE

    Spoiler:




    ~~HAVE A NICE DAY~~
    Spoiler:






  18. #38
    Mid-Card Champion
    Gambit's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Posts
    658
    Rep Power
    21229

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    I would love to feedback on the work. Since I enjoy telling stories I'm thinking of working my format and having scene from TJG's past mixed with current events and then promos.

  19. #39
    Mid-Card Champion
    Gambit's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Posts
    658
    Rep Power
    21229

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    Tomorrow I'll try to read a few and give some feedback. Never been good at those, but I'll give it a whirl.

  20. #40
    Tacos Rule!
    hanz gruber's Avatar

    Status
    Offline
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    349
    Rep Power
    16362
      Country                    United States

    Re: BACK IN BUSINESS XII PROMO DISCUSSION THREAD

    @RT Thanks for the advice, will def use it and any others on future work. And I get that with your comment about interviewers.
    As for comedy, yeah, with him in the past in other efeds, I did try to add just a little to some of his promos he and there.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •