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Thread: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews

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    Necro's Avatar

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    Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews

    Well over the years I haven't exactly given the most depth in my reviews, and thoughts. I figure it's time for a change. It's time for me to review movies the right way. Well the right way to me at least. I wouldn't say I'm the smartest guy so you'll have to hang in there with my random thoughts. Enjoy.



    Last edited by Necro; 05-18-2014 at 10:29 AM.

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    Necro's Avatar

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews



    Sharknado starts out with what looks to be a Russian fisherman catching sharks. Why do I think he's Russian? I don't know I love Russians so he's Russian. The opening scene reminds me of Austin Powers when he asks for 1 million dollars. The Russian fisherman has the exact same request for an Asian businessman, in return he'll get a shit-ton of sharks. Hell I'm not the smartest guy but I'd probably ask for a bit more cash flow for a large amount of sharks. So here's the deal. A mean storm comes crashing into the coast of Los Angeles bringing not only a deadly tornado but also dangerous, man-eating sharks.



    The cast is filled with award winners. Steve from 90210, Vickie from American Pie, Peter McCallister from Home Alone. Damn star studded. I can hardly contain myself



    The CGI hits us hard right away like you just got hit by a bus while distracted on your cell phone. Hell that call was important, and totally worth dying for. These sharks look scary, and are not fucking around. Sharks are sick of being stuck in the ocean, so what if it took a Sharknado to make them more outgoing. Sharks want to explore. They are sick of seeing kids out of high school touring Europe on their parent's dime.



    Vicky and Steve from 90210 are seperated couple. Vicky who was a prude in high school ask Kevin still keeps up her cunty demeanor. Steve from 90210 still loves her though because of course he's into self torture. Steve from 90210 has the most balls I've ever seen. He legit jumps in the water with the shark, and beats them down with shelves, and surf boards. Vicky on the other hand is a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. Just like when she wanted her box eaten by poor Kevin (no not from Home Alone from Amerian Pie). Her dad might have thought she was coming down for dinner, but nah she was busting a nut cause of Kevin's intense tongue routine he practiced in boy scouts.



    Steve from 90210's buddy Nada is Australian. Luckily we get awesome sayings like good day mate, and kangeroo discussion. The other chick who wants to bang Steve from 90210 is named Nova. If I was a 50 year old guy and a smoking hot 22 year old girl wanted to screw me I'd totally just ignore her. I control my penis, my penis doesn't control me.



    In one scene a shark who clearly likes the feeling the rope gives him in gym classes almost kills Steve from 90210. I never knew sharks climbed. I'll call this shark Garth. We're not worthy, we're not worthy.



    Interesting fact did you know that tornados can tear apart houses, but a helicopter is fine in them? I learned this fact through watching Sharknado. Not only an entertaining movie, but very informitive. More interesting facts, Steve from 90210 is an expert marksman. He can shoot sharks from the ground that appear to be no where near him. Steve from 90210 is stronger than tornado winds. He can lightly jog through them.



    Sharknado has it all. Award winning script, amazing CGI, Beyond talented actors, and a realistic storyline. If you are looking for some shitty syfy made for tv movie you're barking up the wrong tree. I'm giving this movie

    Rating: 7 out of 10

    This movie is Stifler approved



    The ending

    Spoiler:



    So Steve from 90210 ends up getting swallowed by a shark, but goes in there with a chainsaw. he saws himself out which was wild enough, but guess what? NOVA was in the same shark, and Steve from 90210's son gives her some mouth to mouth to save her life. Totally badass!




    Kill chart

    Spoiler:


    1. First Russian fisherman - He was about to tell the Captain hey bud there are some sharks on the boat! Well the shark sucked him up like a vacuum.
    2. Asian businessman - He freaks out after theres a storm coming. He isn't too bright he said he's taking over the ship. Hmm probably not a good idea with a huge storm. He gets shot in the leg, and a shark comes up out of the ocean like oh heyyyyyyyyy yum asian!
    3. The Russian Captain - he's surprised by the storm at see and it's so strong the wind starts ripping him apart. Oh then a few sharks finish the job.
    4. Asian surfer - This chick thought she was pretty funny calling Steve from 90210 grandpa, that is until a shark tore her ass up in the ocean. Surfs up, comedian!
    5. Shark #1 - This dumb asshole had the balls to come into Steve from 90210's bar. You know what you get for that? A pool cue to the fucking head you piece of shit!
    6. Shark #2 - They put a helium type tank in his mouth, and then shoot it. Fuck I feel like I'm watching Jaws this looks so real.
    7. Dumbie in the street - One thing you'd never think you'd be crushed by? A ferris wheel. Well that one in a billion chance happened to this sucker.
    8. Highway moron - This guy think it's just a little water, umm no buddy Jaws just ate you for lunch.
    9. Random chick - It sucks if the only part in the movie for you is your guts, and blood hitting the windshield. It feels like I barely knew you.
    10. Peter McCallister - I always knew you neglected your kids, and now you turned into an alcoholic. No one deserves to from a shark attack off a freeway. No one but this piece of shit.
    11. Shark #3 - This sucker comes out of the sewer like a ninja turtle. Too bad he got shot down like me in a bar asking a stripper out.
    12. Vicky's boyfriend - Fuck Steve from 90210's wife. you get managled by a shark in the living room that Steve from 90210 pays for.
    13. Guy from Wyoming - Got hit by one of the letters from the Hollywood sign. "My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.
    14. Clueless flight instructer - She underestimated the winds, and got sucked up like an ant.
    15. Shark #4 - This shark thinks he's skydiving. Nah Steve from 90210 shot his ass down!
    16. Shark #5 - This shark gets sawed in half by Steve from 90210. He'll taste brilliant on the grill
    17. Shark #6- #9 - All shot down like target practice.
    18. Random flight kid - This kid gave up his own life to save someone elses. He ended up getting a shawn Michaels super kick to the gut. he's not gona make it.
    19. Nada - Nade luck for this Aussie. Good day, mate!
    20. Newswoman - She thought she was reporting the news. Hey lady you just became the news!
    21. One armed kid - Well he was one armed after a shark bit it off. He died shortly after when a hammer head belly flopped on him.
    22. Shark #10 & #11 - Blown up in a pool. You guys will not be in the sequel.

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews

    I didn't read because I wanted to watch the movie first, but glad you're going to do some reviews around here. Next you should do Atlantic Rim. Yes, that really is a movie.


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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews

    Quote Originally Posted by Fuji Vice View Post
    I didn't read because I wanted to watch the movie first, but glad you're going to do some reviews around here. Next you should do Atlantic Rim. Yes, that really is a movie.
    Charlie Day was on Opie and Anthony and they brought up Atlantic Rim. Charlie Day was like THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS!

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    Necro's Avatar

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews



    I wouldn't say I was expecting much from Bullet To The Head. Just wanted to see an old school Stallone movie with lots of action. Going into the first scene you get some action, and barely understand what Stallone is saying. Yup we are in for a good one. The storyline is very original. After watching their respective partners die, a New Orleans hit-man and a Washington D.C. detective form an alliance in order to bring down their common enemy.



    So Stallone plays the hit-man. We've seen this before with Get Carter. Very similar storyline, but another underrated Stallone movie. Sung Kang plays the Washington D.C. detective. They instantly have chemistry, and it's fun seeing the dynamic between the two. Al though they have a cheesy back, and forth it still is pretty funny watching these two.



    The dialogue as you can imagine is pretty horrendous. Some having to do with the actors, and some simply the script. In some cases it works though. If you are dealing with lower level people, then you don't exactly expect brilliant quotes to come out of their mouths.



    We have some random appearances which are pretty cool. Christian Slater plays a powerful lawyer, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje who played Simon Adebisi on Oz plays a rich crooked businessman. Jason Momoa from Game of Thrones plays a hired gun, and former mercenary.



    There's no shortage of hotness in this movie. From nudity of random women to Sarah Shahi just being hot as hell in her tub to walking in her house naked. Yes that alone is worth the watch.



    This movie takes you back to the 80's, but also has enough updated elements to make it an excellent combination. There's tons of action, and a pretty straight forward storyline. If you take this movie for it is you'll have a fun time with it. If you think you are going to see an award winner well shit you aren't that smart in the first place. If you are a true Sly fan you'll appreciate anything he's in even if it's a bit of crap.

    Rating: 6 out of 10

    Last edited by Necro; 07-16-2013 at 04:53 PM.

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews

    Loving this thread. SharkNado was epic.

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    Tranquilo, Cabron
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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews

    Now I must watch Sharknado even more than I wanted to before!

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews



    Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.

    This is a movie I've been wanting to see for awhile. So the movie focuses on five college kids. Four of which are model like, and one who's the typical stoner. They really broke out of the normal horror formula. *sighs*



    As they are on the road to the cabin they try to get gas at a closed gas station. A creepy guy comes out named Mordecai. Now I wouldn't say an expert on reading people, but this guy doesn't seem like good news. And he would seem to play a huge part in this movie



    We soon find out that there's a little more to this movie than some straight forward slasher film. There are office workers involved. I held onto hope that it would quickly just turn into an Office Space sequel, but no luck.



    As the movie goes on you quickly realize that this is actually some type of reality show. Don't you worry though there are still many horror cliches in this movie for you to feast on. It's like these kids never saw a horror movie before. I equate it to people on intervention. You'd think at this point by season 11 people would realize they were on a reality show. Or maybe they are too high to realize.



    Sex appeal? Yes we have a topless scene, and even a make out scene with a wall mounted wolf head. Yeah I said it, and my pants got a bit tighter in the process of watching it. Anna Hutchison like in every other movie gets naked.



    This movie has some interesting kill scenes, some I haven't seen before. Without going into crazy detail the last 30 minutes of the movie is fucking epic, just awesome. This is simply the best horror movie I've seen in a long ass time, and if you haven't seen it you better jump on that. It's available on Netflix.



    Rating: 9 out of 10

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    Necro's Avatar

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews



    Mr. Church reunites the Expendables for what should be an easy paycheck, but when one of their men is murdered on the job, their quest for revenge puts them deep in enemy territory and up against an unexpected threat.



    Senior citizens kicking ass, and taking names? Sure why not! Seeing all these legends in action movies is incredible to me. The fun part of this movie are the cameos. You would think it would get weighed down with so many actors, but they are spaced about so it can all fit in.



    Arnold has a bigger role in the sequel which is always good, and he delivers some funny lines. Don't you worry though, the gang gives some shots back at him. Chuck Norris isn't in the movie long, but his scenes are so damn kick-ass! Chuck is in his 70's but looks like he's in his 40's. Guy is in incredible shape.



    The plot is basic, and the script isn't exactly award winning. All my heros are really getting odd looking, but I look past the small details. This movie is fun, and full of explosions. The action is great, even if the special effects are a bit cheesy.



    Jean Claude Van Damme looks like he hasn't aged. Like Chuck Norris he's also in awesome shape, and plays the main villain in the film. He does a great job, and was a great addition to the cast. I heard he was pretty easy to work with,which is a big change from past opinions of the guy.



    The Expendables II is a fun movie full of action. If you are looking for brilliance in script,and acting you're barking up the wrong tree. If you are looking for a 90 minute non stop action film, you have a winner.

    Rating: 7.5 out of 10

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews



    Sylvester Stallone returns to the director's chair for Rocky Balboa, the fifth sequel to the film that made him a superstar 30 years before. The movie begins with Rocky (Stallone) still mourning the death of his loyal and beloved wife, Adrian, who died three years previously after losing a battle against cancer. Rocky owns an Italian restaurant and spends his days living in his working-class Philadelphia neighborhood, visiting with his customers, and telling stories about his past. His grown son has a job as a business professional, but the relationship between the two is strained. Rocky's growing dissatisfaction leads him to attempt to purge the feelings of frustration and loss by applying for a boxing license. When the current heavyweight champion, Mason "The Line" Dixon (Antonio Tarver), needs to rehabilitate his image as a pretty boy who has never shown any real heart in the ring, his manager offers Rocky an exhibition match. This comeback allows Rocky to get his own life back on track, while also offering him the opportunity to help those around him redeem themselves and once again be a symbol of hope for the common man.



    Rocky Balboa returns to the roots that made the original so classic. It's stripped down, and you see Rocky living a basic life. No gadgets, nothing fancy. Rocky Balboa is a gritty film, and borrows some of the original scenes, and shows you after all the years, and all the money Rocky hasn't changed. He's still the same guy.



    Rocky's son has to come to grips on his father's legacy. He feels like he's never been able to break away from his father's fame. Their relationship is strained, and throughout the movie you see where it stems from, and how it can be fixed. There's one scene in particular that to this day gives me chills. When Rocky in the middle of a street gives his son the biggest life lesson he'll ever have. Rocky gives one of the most heartfelt speeches I've ever seen. It actually made me choke up a bit.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_Vg4uyYwEk

    Stallone's writing, and directing has always been pretty underrated. Sure he puts out some questionable movies, but some of them are classic. I admittedly am a Stallone fanatic, but this movie should appeal to most people.



    Sequels are often looked at as taboo, but I've never understood that theory. Even if a sequel is complete shit, I can always find some stuff I'll like. Even if for a moment it gives you glimpses of the original I think it's worth it. I don't believe in ruining the original by making another. The original movie will always be the classic. A tv series has so many hours to build character development, to create so much in a small period of time usually in a 90 minute frame is difficult. Over the Rocky series we've had ups, and downs. There has been some crap, but you see the growth of the characters, you get a sense on who they are, where they come from. Rocky is a simple man that is always giving.



    You also see a person from Rocky's past. Little Marie, a girl that Rocky once lectured when she was young about not smoking. Rocky throughout the movie helps her, and her son. He takes on a father figure for her son, and shows Marie how she's way more valuable than she ever thought. The great thing about Rocky is he gives without expecting anything in return.



    The actual build up to the boxing match, and the match takes a backseat in this movie. I suppose in every Rocky movie it's about the relationship. The build up to the match is pretty decent, and the fight itself is fun to watch. Sure it's a little hard to believe, but George Foreman won a championship in his 50's. So anything is possible.



    If you've never seen the original Rocky, or this movie. I say you see both back to back.

    Rating: 7 out of 10

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews



    The lone survivor of an onslaught of flesh-possessing spirits holds up in a cabin with a group of strangers while the demons continue their attack.



    So we leave off from the first movie or do we? A remake, semi-sequel it's hard to tell.Right off the bat though we get fireworks. Ash is attempting to fight off the demons solo as he uses every last bit of energy to survive. The action is fast and furious as Ash continues to struggle.



    While Ash is dealing with this force, the professor's daughter, Annie, and her research partner, Ed Getley, return from the dig with more pages of the Necronomicon in tow, only to find the destroyed bridge. They enlist the help of Jake and Bobby Joe to guide them along an alternate trail to the cabin. The four of them find an embattled Ash, who is, seemingly, slowly being driven insane due to his encounter with the demon, such as hallucinating that the room comes to life and begins laughing hysterically at him.



    The special effects are classic, and we get to see them on multiple occasions. Between a walking hand, and the insanely awesome make-up artist this movie is chalk full of amazing things. So we get the same as the first in those aspects, but this is much more of a comedy. A very fucked up comedy haha. It's much more light than the first, but very fucked up. You'll be seeing something intense one second, then you'll be laughing the next second.



    I'm not sure what we see more of. Bruce Campbell facial expressions, or different types of liquids. I swear one second it's green ooze, then pink ooze, then blood. Bruce Campbell is Jim Carrey before Jim Carrey. Just call him Pretzel face. He really was amazing in these movies.



    If you've never seen this movie do yourself a favor, and watch it. Such a classic. It's available on netflix.

    Rating: 9 out of 10

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    Necro's Avatar

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews



    As he helps a young artist with her upcoming exhibition, the owner of a mannequin shop's deadly, suppressed desires come to the surface.



    I've never seen the original Maniac so I can't really compare the two, this movie though is not for the faint of heart. Elijah Wood although not seen the whole movie is amazing in his role. Creepy is an understatement. You almost feel dirty after. Elijah just looks seriously insane, and is great in this movie.



    This movie is mostly shot in the first person perspective. Getting into a maniac's head and seeing what he sees is an eerie feeling. Feeling him breathing, seeing what he looks at. It's just beyond freaky.



    The murders in this movie are brutal, and so realistic. What makes it even more realistic is that it seems more like something that can happen. It's not like a normal horror movie, more like a straight forward serial killer movie.



    Nora Arnezeder plays Anna, she's the other lead in this movie, and plays Frank's love interest. She's obviously beautiful, and is a natural actress. Frank's obsession with her is the main focus of this movie. The connection between the two seem strong, that is until she realizes who he really is.



    I always appreciate movies that can tell a story without being so straight forward. Maniac does the opposite. Maniac is straight forward, and graphic. Sometimes that works, and in this case it mostly does. Maniac makes you feel uncomfortable, it makes you cringe in most parts. I appreciate movies like that. Al though this movie isn't for most, for me it was pretty damn solid. Only watch if you have a steel stomach, because this is graphic as hell.

    Rating: 7 out of 10


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    Necro's Avatar

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    Peter Parker finds a clue that might help him understand why his parents disappeared when he was young. His path puts him on a collision course with Dr. Curt Connors, his father's former partner.



    This movie was everything I wish the original Spider-Man was. Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield are such an upgrade to me over Tobey Maguire, and Kirsten Dunst it's not even funny. Emma Stone is a natural beauty. And no offense to Kirsten Dunst but I never saw her pulling off that role. Garfield and Tobey are similar but I actually enjoyed Garfield more in the role. He felt more natural in the role.



    Reading reviews of this movie you'd the action was terrible. I actually enjoyed it, and thought it was better than the original. Garfield's scene where he discovers his abilities was more realistic, and slowly built up to him getting more into it. The fight scenes were pretty damn good too. Which leads us up to the villian.



    The Lizard to me was such an upgrade from The Green Goblin. Man I always thought the Green Goblin was kind of lame. The Lizard was huge, and I loved his power in this film. Willem Defoe is a better actor, but character wise I thought it was pretty cool.



    Some of the other characters were solid in this movie. Denis Leary, Martin Sheen, and Sally Fields all were outstanding. Denis Leary sort of surprised, actually thought he was better than his previous films.



    The ending of this movie was a bit cheesy, but overall I enjoyed it. do I wish they would have come up with a better ending? Yes probably, but it wasn't that bad.



    Rating: 8 out of 10

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews

    Love love love that movie. I would probably rate it even higher. Loved it that much.

    Spoiler:

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    Re: Necro's Incoherent Movie Reviews



    Cornered by the DEA, convicted New York drug dealer Montgomery Brogan reevaluates his life in the 24 remaining hours before facing a seven-year jail term.



    Going into this movie I was expecting a top notch movie. After watching it I thought it was a bit overrated. The casting is pretty elite. You have Ed Norton, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman leading the way. There are some other supporting cast members who also do a great job. The acting was solid, the only gripe I have is with the foreign actors. Just seemed really forced, and so cliche. Every stereotype you'd think of was included in this movie.



    Rosario Dawson is hot as hell in this film, she's always been a favorite of mine, and in this movie she keeps up her hotness. Anna Paquin is also very sexy in this film. No nudity, but still DAMN haha!




    The plot itself is decent enough, but I really didn't feel that much of a connection with it. At the end of the movie I didn't really give a crap about the characters. I didn't feel much of a development, the story seemed sort of stale to me. I never said to to myself damn I'd watch this again some day. It dragged at times, and at times seemed all over the place.



    The movie looks pretty incredible. Spike Lee did a good job filming it. Did he try a little too hard to be artsy? I think so, but overall I was impressed with it. The best scene in the film is where Ed Norton reflects on what's in his head. Looks into a mirror, and just goes off. I thought it was an incredible scene. Overall, the movie was pretty good. Was thinking it was going to be a classic, but fell short for me.



    Rating: 7 out of 10

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