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  1. #21
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    Hide And Go Shriek


    Randy and his friends are looking to have one last big party before they go off into the world and decide to hold it in his father's furniture store. After drinking and partying for awhile they decide to play a game of hide and seek. Unfortunately for them a mysterious figure has crashed the party, and they'll soon find there's nowhere to hide.


    Directed by Skip Schoolnik, most well known as a producer of Buffy spin-off Angel as well as AMC's The Walking Dead, Hide and Go Shriek is one of those lost 80's slashers that begs to be discovered by a new audience. Although Schoolnik had never directed a film prior to this he deftly creates an atmosphere full of tension thanks to the careful use of mannequins as well as the store itself. Some very creative camera angles are used as well including a drowning death in a sink shot from the perspective of the drain. He also uses characters that are likable so that the audience genuinely cares about them.


    Ok, I know what your thinking. Fuji, HOW can these douchebags be LIKABLE? Don't let the fashion faux pas or the incredibly wavy hair fool you, these guys are some of the most likable characters I've seen in an 80's slasher. The girls are as well, especially after an introduction scene where they swap sex advice and give the virgin of the group a negligee to tease her boyfriend with. Of course this "gift" automatically ensures that she will be meeting a violent end courtesy of the above-mentioned sink shot. This movie features some really out there kills as well, including a woman decapitated by a slow moving elevator and an impaling by way of a mannequin arm. No, I didn't make that up, I did in fact say a man is impaled by a mannequin arm in this film. It really happens. No really!


    While the deaths are original there is a fair amount of over-acting by most of the teens during their death scenes, including drawn out facial expressions like this. In fact, this guy's entire death scene is one of the funniest and most embellished you'll ever see in a film, but for some reason its still great. Another thing that was inherently unique to this film was the motivation for the killer. Believe me, its not your typical bad guy that just wants to slash up kids for the hell of it, he has an actual method behind his madness, which makes him that much scarier. He also dresses like this, which really helps amp up the creepy....


    Yes, nothing says deadly killer like a little lipstick and some S&M gear. It appears that Schoolnik was channeling Marshall Bell's character from Nightmare on Elm Street 2 here, but it works well and really adds to the overall feel of the film. Without giving away the ending I'll simply say that you'll be shocked at his motives, but not quite as shocked as you were at the end of the original Sleepaway Camp (if you've seen it you KNOW what I'm talking about). The bottom line here is that Hide and Go Shriek may not break new ground in the slasher genre but it certainly goes the extra mile to create a menacing villain, a genuinely creepy setting and some unique kills. I'll recommend this to slasher fans and anyone who has ever wanted to see a mannequin arm kill someone. 6.5/10.

    As a bonus I've included this YouTube video I found of the death scenes, in case you are too lazy to go out and find an actualy copy of the film! Enjoy...


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  2. #22
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    Girls Nite Out




    A campus sorority scavenger hunt turns from an innocent game into a horrifying nightmare as a killer stalks the participants from clue to clue. As the body count begins to rise its up to a beaten down campus security guard to find the killer before he makes sure that this is the last night anyone will ever see.


    One would think that any movie featuring a killer dressed up in a mascot outfit complete with its own set of steak knife claws couldn't miss right? Well there's a first time for everything, and this is it. Girls Nite Out, originally known as The Scaremaker, is one of those 80's slashers that seems to meld together with all the rest because it is terribly cliched. I mean why even bother with originality when you can just use a freddy glove type device to kill your unsuspecting teens? The film is infused with some star power thanks to actor Hal Holbrook (Magnum Force, The Firm) but, as a favour to Hal, his son David was hired as well....


    This would be David Holbrook. David is such a bad actor that he actually lost a lawsuit to the entire universe which barred him from ever acting again on penalty of getting his penis electrocuted! Seriously, his "acting" in this film consists of shouting "you're all a bunch of whores" over and over again as we all sit and wonder why the Academy didn't come calling. Now this film is certainly not the worst slasher that I've ever seen and the scavenger hunt element DOES tend to allow for a little more suspense than normal, which is a positive considering everything else in this film stinks. Oh, did I point out the outfit the killer is wearing? I didn't? Well here you go....


    I'm not sure exactly what this is supposed to be but it looks like some kind of Yogi Bear acid trip nightmare going on. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry when I think of the effort and energy that went into designing this costume. Anyhow, our killer cuts a path through the teenagers until he is stopped but not before we get a twist ending which actually negates several things stated earlier in the film, leading me to believe that the writers were in fact the proverbial monkeys sitting at the proverbial typewriters. Scratch that, a monkey could have come up with something better than this.


    Hello Mr. Holbrook? Yes, this is the Bad Movie Department telling you that you are in one. What's that? Yes, I know your son sucks. Yes, I know this movie sucks. You? No, you're ok. Just erase all prints of this turd so nobody remembers you were in it...except me, and I promise I won't talk! So in conclusion, Girls Nite Out is probably one of the worst 80's slashers but is worth a watch for the scavenger hunt angle and of course to see David "Disaster" Holbrook attempt to find his way through that extremely tough paper bag...three guesses who wins. 2.5/10.
    Last edited by Fuji Vice; 04-15-2011 at 10:54 AM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  3. #23
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    Chopping Mall




    When 4 young couples hide out in a mall so they can have an all out, overnight party they get more than they bargained for. The mall has just installed a new security feature, three robotic guards. Unfortunately for the kids, the guards are damaged in a freak storm and turn into murderous killbots, out to destroy any intruders.


    Chopping Mall is one of the funniest and most unique of the 80's slasher films. Following the formula to a tee but adding a dark humor all its own, it stands above many pretenders from the same time. To start with we've got Jim Wynorski, a Roger Corman alum and B-Movie director extrordinaire at the helm. We've also got some likeable kids (always a bonus for me). Add to the mix some funky robots that use the line "have a nice day" immediately after blowing people's heads off and you have the perfect formula for B-Movie perfection. Oh, it wouldn't be a "perfect" B-Movie without a cameo from...


    Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov of Eating Raoul fame. Any movie that these two are in is instantly made 100 times better because they are that damn good and don't you ever forget it! Anyhow, we are of course graced with such stellar dialogue as "you smell like pepperoni, that turns me on" and of course the ever popular "I guess I'm just not used to being chased around the mall at night by killer robots", which is delivered with such gravitas that you'll stagger backwards in awe. I'm also a big fan of the actual design of the "killbots" as nothing screams 80's quite like this...


    Another thing that this film has going for it is a short runtime of about 75 minutes. You see folks, when you are making a movie that's pretty cheesy and over the top the best thing to do is NOT drag it out for 2 hours so that the audience is pulling their eyelids down to try and avoid seeing any more of it...but I digress. Chopping Mall is a film that doesn't try to change the world, it is simply trying to have fun, and at that it succeeds tremendously. It is memorable for many reasons but of all I leave you with its greatest by far....


    Have you ever seen ANYTHING that cool in any movie ever? Of course you haven't, which is why you need to get off your ass and get to finding this classic so you can experience ALL the wonder and joy that it has to offer. I highly recommend this to anyone who loves off the 80's slasher, robots, B-Movies, head explosions, pepperoni, panties, actually there's so much packed into this film I could probably go on and on and on never letting anyone get a word in edge-wise until I start foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards but instead I'll just say 8/10.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  4. #24

    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    Ha, I love Chopping Mall. Great little 80's horror/sci-fi flick. Even though it was pretty cheesy, the actual concept was pretty awesome.

  5. #25
    Basic B*tches

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    I saw Chopping Mall about a year ago. I'm not sure what to think. It was alright enough but I'm more of a fan of the iconic slasher types.. the supernatural..stuff like that.


    - W * G * M -

  6. #26
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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    I actually saw chopping mall on some Movie Channel last year...dont' know how, or why, but I left the TV on the channel for the entire movie



  7. #27
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    Glad to see there's some others on here who have seen Chopping Mall. It's not the best but Jim is right about the concept and really its all just about having fun watching a movie.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  8. #28
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Slaughter High




    10 years ago, Marty Rantzen was horribly disfigured in a childish prank gone wrong. Now the eight students responsible are returning to the school for their ten year reunion, but they get more than they bargained for when a killer starts picking them off one by one.


    Slaughter High is yet another in the long line of slashers from the 80's revolving around teenagers who did something to somebody involving something bad that ends up biting them in the ass some years later. Does that sound like a winning formula to you? Well it certainly does to me, and Slaughter High, while far from the best, is definitely nowhere near the worst. To start with we've got Caroline Munro, former Bond girl and absolutely smoking hot as we see here...


    Adding to her hotness we also have an incredibly good performance from one Simon Scuddamore as Marty, the disfigured madman out for revenge. Scuddamore does an absolutely fantastic job here, never quite going over the top and always leaving us creeped out. Sadly this was his only film role as he comitted suicide soon after its release. There are also the requisite number of unique kills including an acid laced beer that causes the drinkers insides to implode and an electrified bed that takes out a couple in the middle of a steamy sex session.


    It also features the above scene which is one of my favourites in any horror film. You see, some jerk has taken the time to write "Marty Rantzen Sucks" on the bathroom wall, so Marty, ever the genius, decides to simply do a little alteration, ending up with "Marty Rantzen Fucks". That is so damned great that I honestly don't know why the writers weren't honoured with every single award under the sun. Give this film the credit it deserves NOW or I'm sending Marty after you.


    Slaughter High was definitely not the most important nor the best 80's slasher, but it was defined by a great acting performance and some deliciously over the top kills. It is also the only movie I think I've ever seen that required THREE directors, though I'm not sure if that's really something to be proud of. Slaughter High has been released on DVD but is very hard to find. That being said, if you find a copy check it out, its well worth it. 7/10.
    Last edited by Fuji Vice; 04-17-2011 at 10:40 AM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  9. #29
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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    Heh, I watched Slaughter High not to long ago. The movie was terrible, but one of those kind of movies you just keep on watching.

  10. #30
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Graduation Day




    A girl collapses and dies after running a 100 meter dash and soon after a killer appears on campus, doing away with her friends and enemies alike. Who is this mysterious masked killer and why are they doing it? Can they find out before the end...of Graduation Day?


    Graduation Day is a film by director Herb Freed that was meant to rip off both the slasher and holiday horror genre in one. Did it succeed? Well to be honest no, but it is memorable for several reasons for sure. One of those is the above scene, featuring a student who is killed when they attempt to catch a football with a sword though the middle. Yes, this actually happens and is damn funny to see. Second, it stars Fuji favourite Christopher George, doing his best to stink up this film with his unique blend of non-charisma and horrible acting skill. Third, and perhaps most important of all, it is the screen debut (and I believe final outing) of this famous lady....


    Yes, that girl on the right who is trying desperately to look scared is none other than world famous letter turner Vanna White! I'll give you three guesses why she decided on the game show circuit instead of a career as an actress. Give up? Ok, well the answer is because she sucks and seriously gives George a run for his money as worst thespian in this picture. Anyhow, back to the action where we are treated to completely pointless scenes that are meant to throw suspicion onto characters that couldn't possibly be the killer and an 8 1/2 minute dance number featuring a band playing the same song twice! It doesn't get any better than this does it?


    Oh, but it does, as we are treated to another requisite "girl in panties is terrorized and murdered in the bathroom" scene. Strangely these seem to be present in every Christopher George horror film, leading me to wonder if there was some kind of clause in his contract forcing the filmmakers to shoot one. It doesn't matter because even panties can't make this one turn out good. In fact, by the time we get to the unbelievably predictable ending we are left feeling pretty down in the dumps for paying $1.50 for this in the discount bin. I'll leave it to the man himself, Mr. Christopher George, to sum up the film...


    "Can someone please remove my name from this turd?"

    Now you know it's THAT BAD when even the great Christopher George wants his name taken off the project! Graduation Day was a Troma release which should tell you all you need to know about its horrible production values, pathetic attempts at acting and completely ridiculous plot but in case it doesn't I'll have a go at it. Graduation day has horrible production values, pathetic attempts at acting and a completely ridiculous plot. Get it? Got it? Good...or bad I guess! 1/10.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  11. #31
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    lolz now I gotta see it. Off to the torrent sites with me.

  12. #32
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    LOL, you seem to be into these one star masterpieces. Well don't worry buddy, I've got a few more this week that you'll HAVE to see!

    EDIT: In fact I'll be doing at least two more Chrisopher George "films" in the next couple of days.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  13. #33
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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    They were apart of my youth. I may not have seen a lot of them, but I dug the ones I did. It takes me back to my teen years.

  14. #34
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    True, that's why I love them, even if they are the worst pieces of crap ever!


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  15. #35
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Grizzly



    After two female hikers are found viciously mauled in a National Park, intrepid Ranger Michael Kelly heads in to investigate. What he finds is horror beyond his imagination, an 18-foot man-eating Grizzly Bear with an appetite that cannot be satiated. Now its up to him and tracker Arthur Scott to face the menace of this beast before it consumes everything in its path.


    Known as "Jaws with Claws", Grizzly, released in 1976, is director William Girdler's follow up to the classic cine-trash film "Three on a Meathook" and the first in his "series" of Man vs. Beast films. Girdler was quickly developing a repuation as a b-movie director wunderkind before his untimely death at the age of 30 during production of his final film, "The Manitou". All of his talents are on display here however as this stands as a perfect representation of his overall body of work. Clearly the film was meant to rip off Jaws and did so in more ways than one. Of course where Jaws had a notable cast including Robert Shaw, Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss, Grizzly had none other than....


    Good old Christopher George. As some of you may know, George is a personal hero of mine and a well documented member of the Academy of Horrible Actors. Here he plays the main character (of course), a ranger determined to stop the evil monster bear at all costs. He is also determined to do his best to lose his acting battle with said bear, as he bumbles and stumbles his way through the hokey dialogue the scriptwriters gave him to work with. The one thing that makes this movie really interesting is that they actually used a real bear for the majority of the shots. The Special Edition (yes, this film has a Special Edition) DVD features a fascinating documentary on how the bear was controlled on set which is actually better than the movie itself. This film also features one of the age old taboos of cinema...


    The on camera death of children is something that is rarely seen and this film really pulls out all the stops. This puts it in second place all time for the Child Death Award, just behind John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13 (if you've seen it you know what I'm talking about). Girdler knows how to work the camera to effect, setting up some moody and tense scenes that are great fun as well as using as much footage of the bear as possible to get his money's worth. Does the audience get their money's worth though?. Well in that regard I submit the following two pieces of evidence....


    Christopher George with a bazooka!


    Grizzly Bear goes boom boom!

    If that doesn't get you wanting to watch this film I'm not sure what will. While the subject matter was a clear rip-off and ultimately cheesy to boot, Girdler still does an admirable job handling it with the poise of a professional and one wonders how good this man could have been had he been given any semblance of a budget, talent or script to work with. Even worse than this is the fact that Girdler never got any money for his work on this film as a long legal battle over rights began almost immediately after its release. Proceedings were still underway at the time of his death 4 years later.


    "Aooooo...werewolves of London"

    While by no means a great film, Grizzly is an interesting one and certainly worth a watch to see William Girdler's most commercially successful enterprise. He followed this up with the equally bizarre "Day of the Animals", another Man vs. Nature film that has to be seen to be believed. While he may have died well before his time, Mr. Girdler left us with several great b-movie gems from the 1970's and my hat goes off to him. Oh, and as for the movie, you know you want to see it, if not for the exploding bear then at least for Christopher George. 6/10.
    Last edited by Fuji Vice; 04-19-2011 at 10:45 AM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  16. #36
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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    I'm gonna have to find that one too. Just to watch the grizzly get shot with a bazooka.

  17. #37
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    Oh it's totally worth it dude, best bear explosion ever! Of course it may be the only bear explosion ever but is that REALLY the point?


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    Quote Originally Posted by Wang Chung
    Fuji- got his hint possibly town but also threatened Cox with a burrito up his ass








  18. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuji Vice View Post
    Squirm


    A freak storm rips through the town of Fly Creek, tearing forests to pieces with powerful lightning strikes. The lightning is so intense that it brings all of the worms in the town to the surface and turns them into violent flesh eating monsters. Now the locals have to figure out how to survive an enemy that outnumbers them by the millions and how to escape the crawling terror that lurks everywhere.


    To put it mildly, most people find a single worm gross. The people responsible for making this film decided that using tons of them would make it that much grosser. Unfortunately for them gross does not equal good in terms of this film's quality nor it's box office take. What Squirm does do right is create an, at times, atmospheric and tense setting for our characters to perform in. Too bad none of the actors in this film are actually up to the task. Indeed the most memorable performance in this film is from R.A. Dow as Roger, for this one shot.....


    Alright, so the makeup/sfx people actually deserve MOST of the credit on this one. One of the most unintentionally hilarious scenes in this film to be sure. Another one would be a scene where one of the lead characters is taking a shower. When she turns the faucet on, worms come out of the showerhead and when she quickly turns it back off they get sucked back up. Huh? How does this happen? Well to be quite honest, attempting to use logic to justify anything in this film would be a colossal waste of time. Let's just chalk it up to nobody working on it knowing what the hell they were doing.


    There is really only one halfway decent scene in this film, an all out worm attack (which actually looks more like linguine being dropped from the ceiling) where our heroes are trapped in a house. Actually, now that I think about it, that scene was pretty crappy too! Holy crap did this movie suck! That being said it is definitely worth a watch provided you have some sarcastic friends and copious amounts of alcohol on hand. DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM SOBER...IT WILL KILL YOU! 2/10.
    Quote Originally Posted by Fuji Vice View Post
    Abraxas - Guardian of the Universe


    Abraxas is an alien bounty hunter who is sent to Earth in pursuit of former colleague and friend Secundus. It appears that Secundus is in search of the co-mater, which would give him the ability to rule the universe. He impregnates an Earth woman and now only has to wait for the child to develop his powers. Can Abraxas save the woman and her son while putting an end to Secundus' diabolical plan?


    Jesse Ventura gets his first, and amazingly enough last, starring role in this incredible piece of crap from director Damian Lee. I am going to go on the record right now and say that this is hands down the worst movie I have ever seen. That being said it is an absolutely hilarious piece of cine-trash that totally begs to be watched by MST3K fans everywhere. Words can't even begin to describe the joy that you will feel while making fun of this turd. Let's start with the casting decisions. Who in their right mind thought Ventura could carry a film by himself? Oh yeah, the same people that though this guy would make a suitable "foil" for him...


    Yep, that's Sven Ole-Thorsen, best known for playing minor characters in 80's Schwarzenegger action films (Conan the Barbarian, the Running Man and Predator to name a few). While Sven may be great in delivering priceless lines like "I've got to score some steroids" (from the Running Man) he is clearly outmatched in acting ability by both his flannel shirt and the no smoking sign in the background of this shot. Sven rambles on about searching for the co-mater while hitting lines like "are you a birthing member of the human race?" and the absolute classic "I'm looking for a man...a WO-man!". No, I am not making any of this up. Of course the best is yet to come as after Ventura meets up with the mother of the child he decides to tell him a story about two men who used to be partners, and he decides to do it like this....


    Storytime in bed with a bare-chested man that you just met? Well this movie clearly just hit the Arabian Heights of insanity. Seriously? What the hell was the director thinking? Of course this is the same man who gave us the "gems" Ski School and Gnaw: Food of the Gods II, so should we really be expecting much more than this? The film plods along with a guest appearance by James (According to Jim) Belushi, who has clearly destroyed all prints of himself in the film since I can't find a shot of him anywhere! Ventura also gets a chance to throw his hat into the bad lines competition with the wonderful "my box has VD". Again, you CANNOT make this stuff up. He also tends to make this face quite a bit, some method acting from Mr. Ventura I believe...


    This is the poster image for the Constipation Society of America. I'd also like to point out that the film features not one but two scenes of Ventura and Thorsen fighting it out while some kind of soft modal jazz plays in the background AND the hideous song during the final sequence of the film which thankfully ends our misery as the credits roll. But wait, there is one final defining moment yet to come in this film as even the credits have something great to offer. Earlier in the film (and I am seriously using that word loosely), Secundus shoots up a convenience store, a scene which features several slow motion shots of Pepsi bottles being destroyed. During the closing credits, in the acknowledgement section, the producers thank Coca Cola as a sponsor!!! So Coke actually gave this movie money to destroy Pepsi...brilliant!!! Writer/Director/Actor Damian Lee has the final word...


    "I take full responsibility for this turd and will gladly have my scrotum electrocuted non-stop until I promise never to make another film ever again".

    Abraxas is clearly the type of film that only bad movie lovers are going to be into, but for those of you willing to give it a shot, you will be gladly rewarded by being able to tell others that you too have seen the glory of Abraxas. With its horrible acting, inane plot (the co-mater angle is never clearly explained), brutal direction, random violence against Pepsi, strange pedophilic undertones AND a guest appearance by James "The Principal" Belushi, what more could you ask for? Well, just about anything really. 1/10.
    Quote Originally Posted by Fuji Vice View Post
    Shark Attack 3: Megalodon


    Two researchers discover a giant shark tooth off the coast of Mexico. Apparently this tooth belongs to the Megalodon, a prehistoric shark up to 75 feet in length long thought to be extinct. Unfortunately for them and everyone else the beast is very much alive...and hungry. Now they have to find a way to stop the ultimate killing machine before it consumes everything in its path...including them!


    Ah yes, THIS movie. This wonderful movie. Nothing quite warms my heart like the tender thoughts I get when reflecting on this wild attempt at filmmaking. What was great about Jaws? Well for starters there was some top notch acting, a fantastic script, excellent soundtrack, brilliant tension and an understanding of when and where to use your shark to provide maximum effect. To say that this film has none of that would be an understatement. In fact, they don't even have an actual shark or shark dummy so they rely solely on stock footage (some of you who have read my reviews know how much I love that). However they don't JUST use stock footage...they insert actual footage into it, allowing us wtf moments like this....


    "Oh the shark has pretty teeth dear". Seriously, this shark is so badass it just swallowed an entire boat whole! The best part about this shot is that it is nowhere near the most inane thing in the film, it barely scratches the surface. It seems like every other scene in this film involves some kind of stock footage shark, some loud grunting noises and people screaming. I'm pretty sure the plot has something to do with a corrupt official not wanting people to know that a shark is in his waters as it will affect his tourism industry, but really who is paying attention when you have incredibly dramatic scenes like this....


    Sorry about having to go to YouTube, for some reason they wouldn't let me embed that clip, but seriously, has anyone ever heard a line delivered with as much gravitas as John Barrowman delivered that one? Seriously, that is probably the single greatest line in the history of the universe and a surefire winner of the "you'll get a drink in your face if you try this line at any club ever" award. Of course that is just another of the magical moments that this film provides us. In fact, one would probably define it as the true highlight of this film if not for....


    "Oh yeah" as the Kool Aid Man would say, you can just cut tension like that with a spork. I know I've been rather critical of films in past reviews but believe me, this is definitely the worst of the bunch. Hands down, the absolute worst film ever made (even beating the horrible Troll 2) and a genuinely great experience for bad movie lovers like myself. For its horrendous dialogue, completely tepid acting, pointless script and pedestrian direction as well as the all time record for most stock footage used in a film I crown Shark Attack 3 winner of the first negative star review I have ever given a film...and THAT's a GOOD thing!! -10/10.
    Quote Originally Posted by Fuji Vice View Post
    Girls Nite Out




    A campus sorority scavenger hunt turns from an innocent game into a horrifying nightmare as a killer stalks the participants from clue to clue. As the body count begins to rise its up to a beaten down campus security guard to find the killer before he makes sure that this is the last night anyone will ever see.


    One would think that any movie featuring a killer dressed up in a mascot outfit complete with its own set of steak knife claws couldn't miss right? Well there's a first time for everything, and this is it. Girls Nite Out, originally known as The Scaremaker, is one of those 80's slashers that seems to meld together with all the rest because it is terribly cliched. I mean why even bother with originality when you can just use a freddy glove type device to kill your unsuspecting teens? The film is infused with some star power thanks to actor Hal Holbrook (Magnum Force, The Firm) but, as a favour to Hal, his son David was hired as well....


    This would be David Holbrook. David is such a bad actor that he actually lost a lawsuit to the entire universe which barred him from ever acting again on penalty of getting his penis electrocuted! Seriously, his "acting" in this film consists of shouting "you're all a bunch of whores" over and over again as we all sit and wonder why the Academy didn't come calling. Now this film is certainly not the worst slasher that I've ever seen and the scavenger hunt element DOES tend to allow for a little more suspense than normal, which is a positive considering everything else in this film stinks. Oh, did I point out the outfit the killer is wearing? I didn't? Well here you go....


    I'm not sure exactly what this is supposed to be but it looks like some kind of Yogi Bear acid trip nightmare going on. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry when I think of the effort and energy that went into designing this costume. Anyhow, our killer cuts a path through the teenagers until he is stopped but not before we get a twist ending which actually negates several things stated earlier in the film, leading me to believe that the writers were in fact the proverbial monkeys sitting at the proverbial typewriters. Scratch that, a monkey could have come up with something better than this.


    Hello Mr. Holbrook? Yes, this is the Bad Movie Department telling you that you are in one. What's that? Yes, I know your son sucks. Yes, I know this movie sucks. You? No, you're ok. Just erase all prints of this turd so nobody remembers you were in it...except me, and I promise I won't talk! So in conclusion, Girls Nite Out is probably one of the worst 80's slashers but is worth a watch for the scavenger hunt angle and of course to see David "Disaster" Holbrook attempt to find his way through that extremely tough paper bag...three guesses who wins. 2.5/10.
    Quote Originally Posted by Fuji Vice View Post
    Graduation Day




    A girl collapses and dies after running a 100 meter dash and soon after a killer appears on campus, doing away with her friends and enemies alike. Who is this mysterious masked killer and why are they doing it? Can they find out before the end...of Graduation Day?


    Graduation Day is a film by director Herb Freed that was meant to rip off both the slasher and holiday horror genre in one. Did it succeed? Well to be honest no, but it is memorable for several reasons for sure. One of those is the above scene, featuring a student who is killed when they attempt to catch a football with a sword though the middle. Yes, this actually happens and is damn funny to see. Second, it stars Fuji favourite Christopher George, doing his best to stink up this film with his unique blend of non-charisma and horrible acting skill. Third, and perhaps most important of all, it is the screen debut (and I believe final outing) of this famous lady....


    Yes, that girl on the right who is trying desperately to look scared is none other than world famous letter turner Vanna White! I'll give you three guesses why she decided on the game show circuit instead of a career as an actress. Give up? Ok, well the answer is because she sucks and seriously gives George a run for his money as worst thespian in this picture. Anyhow, back to the action where we are treated to completely pointless scenes that are meant to throw suspicion onto characters that couldn't possibly be the killer and an 8 1/2 minute dance number featuring a band playing the same song twice! It doesn't get any better than this does it?


    Oh, but it does, as we are treated to another requisite "girl in panties is terrorized and murdered in the bathroom" scene. Strangely these seem to be present in every Christopher George horror film, leading me to wonder if there was some kind of clause in his contract forcing the filmmakers to shoot one. It doesn't matter because even panties can't make this one turn out good. In fact, by the time we get to the unbelievably predictable ending we are left feeling pretty down in the dumps for paying $1.50 for this in the discount bin. I'll leave it to the man himself, Mr. Christopher George, to sum up the film...


    "Can someone please remove my name from this turd?"

    Now you know it's THAT BAD when even the great Christopher George wants his name taken off the project! Graduation Day was a Troma release which should tell you all you need to know about its horrible production values, pathetic attempts at acting and completely ridiculous plot but in case it doesn't I'll have a go at it. Graduation day has horrible production values, pathetic attempts at acting and a completely ridiculous plot. Get it? Got it? Good...or bad I guess! 1/10.
    My god.. reading these reviews makes me want to see them all Absolutely terrible sounding. Dreadful.

    Quote Originally Posted by Troy View Post
    I'm gonna have to find that one too. Just to watch the grizzly get shot with a bazooka.
    Amen
    Last edited by Crocker; 04-23-2011 at 12:11 PM.

    Spoiler:

    I solemnly swear I am up to no good


    Quote Originally Posted by Steve
    I stopped reading when it became clear it was the same butthurt smarkf*g "real wrasslin'" crybaby rant on every youtube vid featuring Cena.



    Quote Originally Posted by Buff Bagwell on John Cena
    But I think he's bigger than Buff Bagwell. I really do.
    [02:00 AM] Dakstang : girls ain't dudes


  19. #39
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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    Glad you are liking the reviews Ken, I appreciate the comments. Coming soon, Day of the Animals, Happy Birthday to Me, Fatal Games, Lady Terminator, Boa vs. Python and more...just as soon as I get this top 50 WWE Championship matches thing finished.


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    Day of the Animals



    Due to the recent depletion of the Earth's Ozone layer, a hole has been opened, allowing solar rays to send forth dangerous radiation. This chemical imbalance affects all creatures at an altitude of over 5,000 feet, turning even the most domesticated pets into vicious, bloodthirsty killers. Now a group of hikers are trapped high in the hills with death only a bite away.


    "Did anyone see the cat that came by this way?"

    Ok, taking a short break from my top 50 Championship list, so I thought I'd fire out this review. Day of the Animals is the second in William Girdler's Man vs. Nature trilogy and equally as bizarre as the first, Grizzly, which I reviewed yesterday. Girdler decided to pull out all the stops here, realizing that the movie couldn't get any worse than the awful script he has to work with could make it. For starters, why just have bears when you can have dogs, cats, even birds attack and kill people for the viewer's pleasure? Also, why put talented actors in starring roles when you can always have...


    "Does this hat make me look like more or less of a douchebag?"

    Christopher George. Yes, the man who not only redefined bad acting but took it to heights never seen before is BACK as the star here, playing a mountain man, guide type character with a very low key disposition. George once again proves why he is the best worst actor of all time, giving a stunning performance that is on par with some of the best mannequins I have ever seen in film. Of course it wouldn't be a party without his extra super untalented wife Lynda Day George (she who shouts BASTARD in Pieces) along for the ride. Girdler clearly decided he needed some more star power here, so who does he turn to....


    "The name is Drebin, Frank Drebin..."

    If you said Leslie Nielsen you win the no prize of the day. Yep, good old Frank Drebin himself is here to wow us with his incredibly manly physique and of course his wonderful acting. In fact, he is the best part of this film as he somehow becomes the ONLY human affected by the rays and descends into his own form of bad acting madness. I would quickly like to point out that, aside from dogs and cats we are treated to attacks by a mountain lion, a Grizzly (a nod to Girdler's last film for sure), an entire pack of wolves and various birds. Oh, did I mention that Nielsen's character eventually goes berserk and decides to have a wrestling match with the above-mentioned Grizzly? Want to know who wins? We do of course, as we are treated to a Superstars-style squash match of epic proportions that finally sees Nielsen do the job and put over the clearly more talented Grizzly.


    "I coulda' been a contenda...."

    It's safe to say that Day of the Animals is completely over the top in every way possible, which makes it an absolutely fantastic piece of crap. Besides, I can't think of any other film where I can see Christopher George, his wife and Leslie Nielsen with no shirt on that was nearly as good as this one. Another interesting thing in this film is that the majority of the kills are by dogs, leading me to wonder why the title wasn't actually "Day of the Dogs" instead. It's thinking about little things like this that keeps me happily imbalanced! It certainly appears that the film had a profound influence on this viewer....


    "Make it stop and I promise I won't steal from the cookie jar ever again!"

    While it wasn't as good as the previous film Grizzly, it certainly had its moments and deserves a watch for fans of the Man vs. Nature film. Day of the Animals doesn't try to change the world or send forth a positive moral message, it just tries to have fun. At this it succeeds, and a lot of credit again has to be given to Girdler, who clearly knows how to maximize the potential from hideously poor written scripts. Recommended for fans of Grizzly and anyone who may be into Leslie Nielsen's chest. 5/10.


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