This is long but hilarious. Lions GM Matt Millen (not really him) makes his mock draft for the first round.
source: sports.yahoo.com
Quote:
1. Miami Dolphins. Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville. When I was a young player in the league, the Dolphins were really good, and you know why? "The Killer B" defense. And this guy Brohm, both of his names start with B. I think that's key, and something most scouts are overlooking. And I know what you're saying. "The Killer B's played defense! Brohm is a quarterback!" But hey, there's no rule saying I can't play him at linebacker. Revised pick: Brian Brohm, LB, Louisville. 2. St. Louis Rams. Erik Ainge, QB, Tennessee. A lot of people think the Rams should take Chris Long, because his dad was Howie, and Howie was really good. But who wants to be judged on their father's accomplishments? So let's compromise. You want to judge Chris Long on his dad's greatness. I don't. I think a fair compromise would be to take a different guy and judge him on his uncle's accomplishments. Erik Ainge's uncle is Danny Ainge, who currently runs the Boston Celtics and was also the first black power forward to score a touchdown in an NBA game. I say that's a pretty good résumé. 3. Atlanta Falcons. Betty White, QB, St. Olaf. I know everyone thinks I'm some kind of intolerant bigot because I once called Johnnie Morton a "f----t," but I'm making history here. I'm drafting the first woman in the NFL history. Unless you count Joey Harrington. And I know you've got to have good support in the community, like I have here in Detroit. You see all those people wearing the "Millen is on FIRE!" t-shirts? They love me. And Atlanta has to rebuild some of the bridges with the animal lovers of that fine city. No one's done more for animals than Betty White. I can also save money with this pick, because I can release Joey Harrington and DJ Shockley, as Betty White is able to combine Harrington's mobility with Shockley's throwing accuracy. 4. Oakland Raiders. TRADE.Oakland sends this pick to the New York Giants in exchange for Jared Lorenzen and 35 bottles of self-tanning lotion. You've got to be shrewd with the salary cap, and Oakland spent a ton of money this year on free agents. They need to save here, but that doesn't mean they can't add value. They have JaMarcus Russell at quarterback, and they had Daunte Culpepper last year, so obviously, they love huge quarterbacks. That's where Lorenzen comes in. And they like those huge quarterbacks to be black. And that's where the 35 bottles of self-tanning lotion come in. And with this pick, the Giants will take Cooper Manning. You can never have too many of those guys around. In fact, these Mannings are so good, I'm not even going to bother checking this guy's medical history. 5. Kansas City Chiefs. Mackenzy Bernadeau, G, Bentley. I really like Herman Edwards, and I'd like to do him a favor. I want to get him someone who can lessen his load a little bit and take some of the pressure off. And to me, Mackenzy Bernadeau out of Bentley sounds like someone who would make a damn good butler. I'd like to draft this guy, put him in a tuxedo, and have him follow Herman Edwards around and get him tea and scones all day long. "Oh, Bernadeau! Scone, please!" The value of timely tea and scone service to a head coach just cannot be understated. If Rod Marinelli had a scone every time he wanted one, he'd have won the Super Bowl already. But as you might be able to tell from my track record, I want there to be no risk of that ever happening. 6. New York Jets. Lindsay Lohan, C, Los Angeles. What was the high point in Jets history? When Joe Namath was running around boozing it up and womanizing. You get Kellen Clemens and Chad Pennington out there with Lohan, and within a week, they'll be hip deep in coke, loosely-moraled women, and paternity suits. And just like that, it's glory days for the Jets all over again. 7. New England Patriots. Matt Millen, LB, PennState. The Patriots prefer linebackers that are old and smart, and I'm at least one of those things. I'd be perfect in this system. I know the tendencies of every good offensive player in the league, because at one point or another, I've refused to draft all of them. 8. Baltimore Ravens. Raven Symone, Actress, Atlanta. This pick makes sense on so many levels. Number one, it's the Ravens, and her name is Raven. This is the kind of thing top-notch talent evaluators like me are paid to notice. And here's the other advantage. Who's the Ravens biggest rival? The Steelers. After studying their offseason tendencies, I know that they're likely to engage in some strong physical contact with women. So we show up at Heinz Field, we put Raven Symone on the offensive line, some Steelers linebacker hits her, and boom, we press assault charges. No more Steelers linebacker. This pick is so Raven. 9. Cincinnati Bengals. Maurice Purify, WR, Nebraska. Everyone says that locker room camaraderie and chemistry are important, and I agree, even though I don't know what those words mean. But I do know that Chad Johnson's unhappy, and he wants out. So what you do is get rid of him, and you bring in a talented young receiver who can replace him. You know what else the Bengals need? To clean up that locker room. This guy's name? Mo Purify. And that's what the Bengals need. Mo' purifying. And no, I don't believe in background checks, why do you ask? Yeah, and you thought I'd take all receivers in the Top 10, didn't you? So far, I've only taken one. So there, smart ass. But I feel a run coming on. 10. New Orleans Saints. Shaheer McBride, WR, DelewareState. Remember when the Saints drafted Ricky Williams, and then he and Mike Ditka were on the cover of ESPN Magazine, and Ricky was wearing a wedding dress? I thought that was really cute. I cried. Sorry, I'm not made out of wood. So I'd like the Saints to do that again, but let me tell you this: it's not going to make any damn sense if Sean Payton's on the cover of ESPN the Magazine with someone in a wedding dress unless that guy has "bride" in his last name. "Shaheer" is kind of a pretty name, too. And if ESPN won't do it, you guys can come over to my place, because I've got a really nice camera. And the dress. Long story. Don't ask. 11. Buffalo Bills. De'Cody Fagg, WR, FloridaState. You know how I told you that I once called Johnnie Morton a bad name? Listen, you don't want that to happen to you. People get mad. So you add De'Cody to the roster, and you can slur away, and if anyone questions you about it, you can just say, "Hey, I was talking to De'Cody!" It's like drafting slur permission. 12. Denver Broncos. Keilen Dykes, DE, West Virginia. And I don't want anyone to think I'll only slur homosexual men, either. Women are fair game, too, because I believe in equality. I think that's where this guy's last name will help. You draft this guy, you can just run around and scream it all day, and those women with short hair and tennis shoes can't get mad. 13. Carolina Panthers. Great Big Ham Sandwich. It's just that at this point in the draft, I start to get really hungry. Sorry, Carolina. 14. Chicago Bears. The Pillsbury Doughboy, WR, Minneapolis. Look at the Bears roster, and tell me what you notice. They don't have any quarterbacks, right? Or at least, no quarterbacks with confidence. So how do you neutralize the disadvantage of a quarterback who can't throw? You get him a receiver that can't catch. Then it doesn't matter anyway. And this Doughboy character doesn't even have fingers. And half the time, he's wearing a damn oven mitt. This takes all the pressure of Rex Grossman. Now, when he throws a terrible pass, the fans won't have any right to complain, because it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Also, Rex isn't the worst player on the field anymore. Hello, sky-high confidence. And if things are still bad, you poke this little guy's tummy, and it's giggle city. It makes all the bad times disappear. 15. Detroit Lions. William Clay Ford, Sr. Mr. Ford already owns the Lions, but try to stick with me here, because I know what I'm doing. Mr. Ford has made a series of great decisions to keep me around as general manager of the Lions, so I'm going to draft him here, with the condition that he agrees to own the Lions until he's dead and lets me have my job forever. Because if he sold the team, the new guy would fire my ass in a heartbeat. And since he's rich, we won't have to pay him, and we can use that money to find some kind of cryogenic technology to keep Mr. Ford alive forever. 16. Arizona Cardinals. Ruth Westheimer, Ed.D., Germany. This is just a hunch, and I don't have any evidence to back it up, but I don't think it's going to be long before Matt Leinart becomes sexually active. And when he does, I'm sure he'll be very responsible about it, but just in case, we're going to get him a sexual advisor. 17. Minnesota Vikings. Early Doucet, WR, LSU. Remember a few years ago when the Vikings got skipped in the draft, because they took too long to make their pick, and their 15 minutes expired? Well, this year, they only have 10 minutes. They can't afford to screw around. So here's how we avoid any mistakes. We put Early Doucet at the top of our draft board, and we just write the word "EARLY" all over the walls of our war room. And that will remind us that we have to pick early, and not late. This will be key. But if this guy gets drafted before #17 overall, we might not get our picks in until about August. It's a risk/reward deal here. 18. Houston Texans. George W. Bush, P, Texas. He's not going to be out of a job until January, so this is more of an investment for the future. What do the Texans need? A running back. I know Darren McFadden is still on the board, but I try to shy away from those guys who have "speed." You know what they say. Speed kills. And I'm trying to stay alive, thank you very much. So we bring in the finest president American has had since John Wayne left office. And in lieu of a running back, we just have W. in the locker room, and he can tell everyone before the game that the opposing defense hates freedom, and then he'll roll out a huge banner that says, "Let's Roll," and then all our guys will go out there and get our running game "rolling," so to speak. This is my great vision for the Houston Texans. Mission accomplished. 19. Philadelphia Eagles. Andre Woodson, QB, Kentucky. If I'm the GM of the Eagles, I don't want another PR nightmare here with the fans booing our first round pick. So here's what we do. We draft this Andre Woodson guy, and when our fans inevitably boo him, we tell everyone that they're just yelling Woooooooooooooo-dson. I'm pretty sure that first syllable is pronounced "wude," you know, like it rhymes with "dude." And if it's not, on the little draft card thing that we give to Roger Goodell, we'll just put a couple of dots above the o's or something, like the Germans. So it'll be Andre Wöödson. Way too few GMs out there use umlaut to their advantage. That's what puts me ahead of the curve. 20. TampaBay Buccaneers. Marcus Millen, LB, Army. Yeah, that's right, he's my son. And he'd kick Howie Long's kid's ass. You got a problem with that, Long? What? You wanna go? We can fight right now, pretty boy. Screw you and your Chevy Truck. I'm Ford for life, thumbsucker. But yeah, this is my son, and I know what you're thinking. Nepotism. But let me tell you something. When you look at my draft record, nepotism really should be the least of your worries. So if you won't take my word for it, here's what Mel Kiper Jr. had to say about my boy. "I think when you look at Marcus Millen, you see a guy who's six feet tall, two-hundred and twenty-eight pounds, and undersized for his position at the professional level. His athleticism is not up to par with the rest of his class at the position. But he displays a lot of toughness, a great motor, and has great instincts, which is amazing, considering his genetics." I'm just so damn proud. 21. Washington Redskins. Dexter Manley, DE, West Texas A&M. They brought back Joe Gibbs, which tells me they're trying to relive the '80s. But now that he's gone, they need another link to the '80s, so let's bring back Dexter Manley. I thought he was banned for life, but there he is, eligible for the draft. What the hell? He was a Pro Bowler once, he can be a Pro Bowler again. I'm a firm, firm believer that functional illiteracy shouldn't be held against someone. Wait, this is Dexter Manley's son? Damn. Where does the time go? Ah, screw it, we'll take him anyway. I'll tell you what, I had a hell of a lot of respect for this guy's old man when he was in the league, and there were a lot of times when I called him up and we discussed fine literature together. 22. Dallas Cowboys. Mrs. Huddleston, Kindergarten Teacher. I'm drafting my kindergarten teacher here because I need a nap. Holy geez, how long does this draft thing last? I know I've never picked this late before. I thought this thing would be over in an hour and a half. Anyway, Mrs. Huddleston is the only person I ever knew who truly understood the value of a good nap. That's the upside of this pick. The downside is that when I was in her class, and I was having trouble with all that so-called " book learning," she'd lock me in the boiler room and make me sniff super glue for 45 minutes. This happened every day until I was 13 years old. Finally, they let me graduate kindergarten because they said my chest hair was scaring the other kids. Proudest day of my life. 23. Pittsburgh Steelers. That guy with the big wiener in Any Given Sunday. It seems like showing your doo-dads on Deadspin is a requirement for all Steelers these days, so you want to make sure you get a guy who's comfortable with that. You get a guy doing full frontal on a sports blog when he's not emotionally prepared to do so, and it can ruin his psyche for the rest of his career. That's how you end up with a wasted draft pick. You remember that scene in Any Given Sunday? You're not expecting it, and it comes out of nowhere, just for a second, and you're like, "Whoa!" And then you rewind it and watch it again. And again. And again. At least I do, because I'm a professional talent evaluator, and I have to. So I've seen it 3,298 times. I'm confident that it's the right wiener for the Steelers. Now, I don't know what that guy's name is, so I hope Roger Goodell is OK with reading "Guy with the big wiener in Any Given Sunday" off of the little card. If not, hopefully he can use gestures. And if he's off the board by this point, Pittsburgh takes Sean Penix, WR, Arkansas. 24. Tennessee Titans. Clyde Edwards, WR, Grambling. You've got a team here that needs to move on from the Pacman Jones era. How do you do that? You bring in someone who was Pacman's mortal enemy. And it's going to have to be Clyde, because there's not one damn Inky, Blinky, or Pinky in this whole draft. Not one. What are the odds?
I thought about taking Jake Long here, but I was only willing to do so if he would legally change his name to "Blinky Long." He wouldn't do it. Can you believe that? I said to him, "Hey, Jake, if you won't change your name to 'Blinky,' could you please explain to me why you won't do it, and if you don't mind, could you elaborate on what your name means to you?" You know what he said? "I don't like Blinky. I like Jake." Thanks a lot, Dr. Wordsmith. 25. Seattle Seahawks. Michael Butterworth, T, Slippery Rock. I'll be honest with you. I'm only taking Michael Butterworth here because I really want to meet his mother. She makes a damn fine syrup, and there's nothing I like more in this world than a tall, cool, glass of syrup. It is the finest beverage on earth. 26. Jacksonville Jaguars. Oscar Pistorius, WR, South Africa. Sprinters have had a lot of success in the NFL. Look at Willie Gault. Bob Hayes. James Jett. Ben Johnson. Mary Lou Retton. So I'm going to grab Pistorius here. And people are going to say, "Oh, but why him? Why not some other sprinter?" Well, here's why: I went to Lions receiver Roy Williams, and I asked him, "Roy, how many times has someone tackled you by grabbing your leg somewhere below the knee?" And he said, "I don't know. A lot, I guess." And then he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore because I spit a lot when I talk. So we put Pistorius in the line-up, and you try to tackle him below the knee, and guess what? He doesn't have a below-the-knee, so he's off to the races. He's got those weird artificial limbs. Now, those might be illegal in the NFL, so he might have to take them off, but we'll deal with that when the time comes. I still think it's tremendous value at this point in the draft. 27. San Diego Chargers. Brady Leaf, QB, Oregon. The way I see it, the Leafs are like the Stallones. There's a Sylvester and there's a Frank. You already had the Frank. So this guy has to be Sly, right? And listen, I think Ryan got a raw deal in San Diego. All of his problems there were caused by that damn Jay Posner of the San Diego Union-Tribune. Sitting there, taunting him in that obnoxious damn blue shirt. Ryan Leaf would have won eight Super Bowls by now if it wasn't for Posner, sitting there causing trouble like that. 28. Dallas Cowboys. Joshua Hyman, WR, Virginia Tech. I just thought it would be a good idea if the Cowboys had something around the locker room that might remind Pacman Jones that not every woman on the planet is a filthy, filthy, whore. I think this guy's last name might do the trick. You don't see a lot of those things when you hang out where Pacman Jones hangs out. 29. San Francisco 49ers. Tony Mikulec, P, Central Michigan. Sometimes, what you've gotta do is make a pick that really sticks it to your rival. And if you're the 49ers, you don't like the Rams. Now, the Rams are going to get all kinds of media attention because they have the last pick in the draft, which means they'll be taking Mr. Irrelevant, who's always a media darling. So what we do here is get a jump on them, and take a player way worse than they'll be taking dead last. This'll show 'em. Mikulec averaged 38 yards a punt last year, and what we're going to do is draft him, and then stab him in the leg 45 times, just to make sure he's the worst player taken. TAKE THAT, RAMS. 30. Green Bay Packers. Jason Street, QB, Dillon Panthers. Somoene told me that Brett Favre retired, but I haven't heard anything about that. Just in case it's true, though, I think the Packers should take a good, long look at a quarterback. And here's all I need to know about this Street character: he's so good, even my wife has heard of him. That's just special. If you hear of a guy before he even gets to college, he must be really, really gifted. Like LeBron James or Frankie Muniz. I know a lot of people won't like this pick, but sometimes, you can out-think yourself. I think this is one of those cases. Just look at the kid's upside, and stop throwing around those big words like "fictional" and "paralysis." Vocabulary doesn't score touchdowns, buddy. 31. New England Patriots. Pick Forfeited. I'm not sure what that word "forfeited" means, but my gut instinct tells me that it means I have to draft someone with four feet. That rules out most humans, so I'm going with an animal. I'll take Air Bud, Golden Receiver. Now listen, I'm smart enough to know that a dog can't play in the NFL, but I'm also smart enough to know that Air Bud, Golden Receiver was one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time, and you don't pass on a chance to put that kind of greatness around your team. 32. New York Giants. Nate Robinson, DT, Akron. You may not believe this, but I pattern my management style after the great Isiah Thomas of the New York Knicks. And if some guy named Nate Robinson was good enough for him, then another guy named Nate Robinson will be good enough for me. If only I had a great talent like Stephon Marbury to pair him with.
I sure hope the Lions trade up so they can get the Pillsboury Dough Boy. Mmm...biscuits.
04-25-2008, 02:54 PM
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