Balla

lol that was great Jay “It’s picking up more than Slimdust in an all male sauna”

Inogenius

I've got the sweetest partner in the world.

Captain Planet

WC's Resident Samoan

You'll win a match when TNA wins a rating war >.>

Erin

Monk's First Lady

Waking up groggy and confused is nothing new. I wake up groggy and confused most Sundays.

Always the damsel in distress! Team Hootie McBoob, care to back up your fellow female?

Necro

great read...

Jayman

S-Mod & WC Hall Of Famer

Business is starting to pick up in the world of the Monks Wrestling Federation!

And now, here it is...your moment of Carlin (12/3/2008)

Violent American movies like Die Hard, Terminator, and Lethal Weapon do very well in places like Canada, Japan, and Europe. Very well. Yet these countries do not have nearly the violence of the United States. In 1989, in all of Japan, with a population of 150 million, there were 754 murders. In New York City that year, with a population of only 7.5 million, there were 2,300. It's bred in the bone. Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

Zar

Nice work.

Jackie Pies on Jackie Pies:
"Did I ever mention that I'm not really made of pie? Nor have I ever baked myself into a pie."

Randy Orton

WC's Resident Alchoholic

good stuff.

Jayman

S-Mod & WC Hall Of Famer

This time, your tv set doesn’t scramble at all. Instead, you see a crystal clear picture, which boasts the letters MWF in the center of it all. The crowd is cheering, pyro is exploding everywhere, and finally a graphic appears on your screen. You see 5 people centered around a gold belt: Erin, Simon, Mr. Cool, Gigglypuff, and Mikk. Next, a “Tag Team Tournament” graphic pops up, with the teams of “African Hooligans” (Rambo and Necro) and “Anarchy in the UK” (Crocker and Phantom) poised for action tonight. A few signs are shown in the crowd: “Dak for President”, “Zar Really Does = Ratings”, and “I came to see Hootie’s McBoobs!” We immediately go ringside with TD and Jay.

TD: This third installment of Raw is Monks promises to deliver more action than any episodes previously! We have a ton in store tonight: the World Title picture will get a little more clear as we continue to narrow down to the final 2 participants. We will also have another Tag Team tournament matchup between “Anarchy in the UK” and the “African Hooligans”. If you remember, I² already advanced to the next round, and are awaiting their next opponents. Jay, anything to add?
Jay: Yes, I’ve been told DIRECTLY from Commissioner Felix that Slimdust has been BANNED from the building tonight, and….
TD: That’s not true.
Jay: …..
TD: In fact, tonight we will see the in-ring debut of Slimdust! Much to the delight of Monks fans and leprechauns alike. Let’s go ringside where we are about to start off with tonight’s opening bout.

“North Country Boy” comes on the speakers and none other than Mikk pops on stage, which sends all the Mikk-lovers into a frenzy. He seems pumped up and raises his arms to the sky as he runs down to the ring. Next, MWO’s theme comes up next, and Giganto and Blade emerge from the curtain. Mikk is in the ring looking a little confused, until the henchmen stop midway down the aisle and point towards the entryway with a pair of cocky smiles. The leader of the MWO, Simon, emerges to a chorus of boos. He waves it off, and slaps a little boy in the front row on his way to the ring. Giganto and Blade laugh, and hold the ropes open for their leader.

Jay: Simon has some explaining to do after last week’s actions.

TD: Without a doubt. For an entire week, Erin went missing, and we all know who the culprit for that was.

In the ring, Mikk starts off with a couple of haymakers into the corner. Simon manages to scramble away and throws a couple of rights to the jaw of Mikk. Simon continues to stomp on Mikk while Giganto and Blade look on clapping from ringside. Simon with an irish whip against the ropes, and Simon’s arm meets Mikk’s chin with a brutal clothesline. He hams it up for the crowd, but is met with boos, and a few empty bottles thrown into the ring. Mikk with a leg sweep to Simon, and the leader of the MWO is down. Mikk hastily gets up and climbs the ropes, looking for a high-risk maneuver. Mikk flies, but Simon rolls out in time. Mikk crashes hard against the mat while Simon gets up. He pulls up Mikk and lands a powerslam on the big guy. Simon against the ropes and an elbow drop against the chest of Mikk. Hooks the leg, but Mikk gets out! Mikk with a few blows to the midsection of Simon, and the leader is reeling. Mikk irish whips Simon and lands a swinging neckbreaker. He goes up top again, and this time lands a splash from the top rope! The fans are going wild!! Mikk with a pin, 1..2….foot on the ropes! But it was Giganto who put the foot on the ropes. The ref didn’t see it. Both men slowly get up and the henchmen get on the apron. While the ref is distracted, Simon lands a low-blow to Mikk! He goes down hard, and Simon covers while the ref comes back…and lands the 3 count.

TD: Well, a maneuver that was cheaper than a night on the town with Gigglypuff by the MWO yet again, and Simon advances to the next round of the World Title Tournament. I haven’t seen this much cheating since I came home early from work one night.

Jackie Pies runs down the ramp with a microphone in hand, obviously wanting to chat. The MWO all roll Mikk out of the ring and push him off the apron and onto the floor. He slowly gets up and heads to the back, clutching his jewels. Jackie Pies goes eye to eye with Simon, with his two buddies right behind him.

Simon: Hey guys, look, it’s the chick that I² double-teamed last week. I’m sure that wasn’t her first time.

Jackie Pies: Simon, I’m here for one reason. Two weeks ago, you kidnapped Erin..

Simon: Hey “Miss Pies”, did you actually see me in the car that drove away with Erin? How about in the car that dropped her off at the end of last week? No? That’s right. You can’t pin me and you can’t pin that crime on me. I had nothing to do with Erin’s little “missing adventure”. For all I know she was off on another “Jesus Loves You” adventure in the woods with a bunch of missionaries. I was busy training for my match, which may I add I really didn’t need to do, last week while this was going down.

Jackie Pies: You may be right, we may not have physical evidence that it was you who drove off with Erin two weeks ago, but the license plate said MWO. Your two goons took her and loaded her into the trunk of a car…

Giganto: (interrupting) Goons? You’re calling us goons? A goon is far from what I am. I am Giganto, baby! If you think you have a REAL Giant at home, then all I need is about 3 minutes….ah, make that 52 seconds…..with you to prove that wrong.

The three members of MWO all circle around her, smiling mischievously.

Jay: Miss Pies taking on three guys at one TD, I can’t help but think I’ve seen this before!
TD: Jay, have some respect for our announcer. Go help her! Even up the odds a little.
Jay: TD, I’m going to tell you what I told Slimdust last night, I don’t roll like that.

Commissioner Felix’s music starts up, and MWO breaks apart their circle from Jackie Pies. She immediately slides out of the ring and heads up the ramp. Simon, Giganto, and Blade all wait in the middle of the ring, their gaze at the entryway. Eventually, the music stops playing and nobody emerges. Simon kicks the bottom rope, obviously fooled by the distraction. Blade and Giganto shake their heads before climbing out and heading to the back.

Backstage, Commissioner Felix is in his office watching the television monitor. He has a big smile on his face, obviously pleased with one-upping the MWO. There is a knock on the door, and in walks “The Conscience of Monks” Mr. Cool. He walks up to the Commish without saying a word, and looks all business. The two behemoths stare eye-to-eye for a moment, until Felix breaks the ice.

Felix: Cool….I want to apologize for leaving you high and dry last week in the ring against Blade and Giganto. That was never my intention, man. It’s just…..I saw Erin getting dropped off in the parking lot, and wanted to bring her to safety before something else happened to her. You understand, right?

Mr. Cool: (sighing) Guess so. I just thought we were closer than that. I didn’t think you’d leave me alone in the ring with two of the most dangerous guys in the MWF. I could’ve gotten hurt pretty bad, you know Felix? (Felix nods)

In walks Erin, in full ring gear, ready for a fight.

Felix: Hey…..I’m glad to see you here tonight, and welcome back. How are you feeling?

Erin: Not bad, I guess. Just eager to get out there and get my hands on whichever opponent you’ve got for me tonight. Speaking of which, you never told me: who am I fighting? Mr. Cool?

Felix: No, no, no. I gave Mr. Cool the night off tonight by way of an “apology” for leaving him alone in the ring last week. You’ll be fighting Gigglypuff tonight, with the winner advancing to the semi-finals of the World Title tournament. Oh, and tonight…..you’re the main event (crowd cheers)

Mr. Cool: (interrupting) You gave ERIN tonight’s main event spot?

Felix: Yeah Joe, what’s the big deal buddy? You had a main event match last week with me. Just relax tonight, and let’s watch Erin. After all, you both seem to have a common enemy in the MWO. Come on Erin, let’s talk strategy….

Felix and Erin leave the room, leaving Mr. Cool alone. He stands in silence in the room, never taking his gaze off the door Erin and Felix walked through. It’s hard to tell what he’s thinking.

TD: Not sure what to make of that…
Jay: Erin obviously has the hots for our Commissioner. Which makes no sense at all when you think that I am on the roster.
TD: Maybe she feels threatened by Slimdust.

Back in the ring, the announcer calls for the next match being a qualifier for the World Tag Team tournament. The Sex Pistols hit “Anarchy in the UK” starts to play, and out comes the tag team of the same name. Crocker and Phantom strut down the aisle with the flags of England and Wales, respectively over their backs, but aren’t met with a positive reaction. They don’t care, and instead await their opponents. The “Bad Boys” theme starts up, and the crowd pops loudly for their hooded heroes: the “African Hooligans” Rambo and Necro!!! Each come down in hooded sweatshirts, holding a six pack in one hand, and a bottle of beer in the other. Necro hands a bottle from his six-pack to someone in the front row who doesn’t seem to be of age.

TD: Necro and Rambo are in the building, better hide my wallet Jay
Jay: Don’t worry, I already got yours.

Bell rings and Necro and Phantom start it off. Tie-up to start, and Necro throws Phantom to the ground. The crowd cheers and Phantom looks around, furious. He quickly gets up and runs at Necro, only to be met with a spinebuster. Necro screams to the crowd in delight, and picks up Phantom. He is too busy playing to the crowd, and Phantom gets a couple of shots to the beer belly of Nec. A quick snapmare suplex later and the tag to Crocker. Crock in and applies an armbar. Fans are booing as Crock is slowing down the action, but “Anarchy” doesn’t seem to mind. Phantom decides to wave his Welsh flag from the apron, to even more boos. Nec eye gouges Crock to break the submission hold, and slowly makes his way to Rambo. Just before Crock can pull him back, Rambo gets the hot tag in. He jumps over the top rope and starts throwing lefts and rights to Crock, just like in a barfight. Irish whip to the corner, and he splashes Crock. Phantom runs in and pulls Rambo off his partner. While the ref is trying to get Phantom back to his corner, Crock hits a cheapshot to Rambo while he isn’t looking. Crocker goes to the top rope, but out of the corner of his eye he sees something from the entryway.

TD: What the hell..it’s Half Boy and Emma!
Jay: I’ve never been so happy to see Hal…Emma! I mean Emma! I have never been “confused”

Halfboy and Emma lock their gaze on Crocker, who is still perched on the top rope. HB dips Emma and locks lips, among other things, with the sultry hard bodied red-head. Crock has a drunk with lust smile, but fails to notice Rambo get up and hop up to the top rope with him. Rambo nails a quick superplex off the top rope and scores the 3 count before Phantom can break it up! As the bell rings, HB and Emma break their makeout session and laugh at “Anarchy in the UK”, who have been defeated in the ring. They head to the back while their two fellow UK’ers hit the mat in frustration. Rambo and Necro celebrate up the ramp with a beer bash with section 112, and half of section 113.

TD: So “African Hooligans” advance in the tag team tournament, along with I² from last week.
Jay: Surely more teams will vie for the chance at tag team gold during the next show in 2 weeks.

Backstage now, Gigglypuff is finishing up changing in her locker room, all alone. She looks on a nearby bench to see a long box, dressed in red ribbon and a bow. Her name is written on a card attached to the box, and she hesitantly opens it. A dozen red roses is found underneath all the tissue paper. Giggly looks around the room and smiles.

Gigglypuff: Wow, these are beautiful! Let’s see, here’s another card. “Good luck in your match tonight.” Aww…Blade is so sw…wait a minute, it says below…”I’ll be watching! Fondly, M”. M?? Who the hell is M?

Once again, standing in the middle of the ring, with microphone in hand, is God. (NOT the supreme being)

God: So 2 shows have gone by now, and I have to say I don’t like what I’ve seen around here. Case in point: we have a sign which reads “Zar = Ratings”. Who is this “Zar”? We haven’t even seen him yet, and people are holding signs up for him??! If the people high up around here had any common sense, they would introduce characters on a weekly basis, rather than just expecting us all to know who they are. Where’s the storyline continuity, people? I mean, last week some snow-dog lovin’ schmuck sleds down and gets a cheap win off of me. But is he backstage tonight so I can exact some revenge on the lucky bastard? Nope, he’s got tonight off and is apparently in Alaska “fishing”. So instead of me trying to even the score, they put me in the ring with the most bizarre individual in the MWF. First an Eskimo, now a cross dressing maniac! What is this, the freak show!?

Next, “Sweet Home West Virginia” starts up, and to the surprise of God, Dakstang walks out. Dressed in his usual flannel shirt and ripped blue jeans, accompanied by a muzzleloader in one hand, he walks down the aisle, his gaze locked at God (not the supreme being). He steps in the ring and asks for a microphone, and is granted one. God shrugs his shoulders at the Southerner, wondering what his deal is.

Dak: God. I’ve been listening to you in the back each and every week, but this time I had to come out. Tonight, I whole-heartedly agree with your take on people like Slimdust. Where I’m from, people work their asses off in the crop garden, then go to work and work their ass off there. Not like the lazy “city type” bastards here in the crowd (boos). Then you have Slimdust, who thinks this is all a game. I’m here to compete, to work hard, and to avoid women at all costs. Even eye contact. But Slimdust is only one problem with this place, do you know what another is? That guy, right there.

Dak points in the direction of King Jay, and shakes his head in a disappointed fashion. Jay stands up and removes his headset, but is brought back into his seat by TD.

Dak: I’ve been listening to him spout his mouth off about me each week. About his “Kingdom”, the fact that he disagrees with me and my thoughts of presidency. My southern beliefs. My love of Lynnrd Skynrrd. My slamming of all things related to stem cell research. Well, “King”, I’m going to grace the viewing audience by calling play-by-play right next to you for this next match.

Dak goes ringside and sits on the other side of TD, so that Durden can remain a mediator between the two. Dak puts on a headset while “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” by Britney Spears plays. The lights turn pink, and confetti falls to the ground. Slim dust somersaults his way down the ramp, and hops up on the apron, doing a few jumping jacks and clapping like a girl.

Dak: Look at this. What is this crap?! This is wrestling, goddamnit. Slimdust has no respect for this business OR the bible.
TD: I think he’s just having a good time, Dak. But you wouldn’t know a good time if it walked up and grabbed your groin and said “Hi Dak, I am a good time” (Jay laughs)
Dak: Do the people at home a favor, King, and shut your mouth.

Slimdust removes his pink robe to reveal a tight pink wrestling singlet. God turns away in disgust and backs into the corner, obviously needing a minute. Slimdust uses this opportunity to run into the corner and deliver a splash to God. The Supreme One slithers down into the corner and curls up into a ball, obviously grossed out by his opponent. Slimdust prances around the ring, much to the joy of the crowd. God uses this opportunity to quickly get up and deliver a clothesline from behind, knocking down the Perverted One. God picks him up and delivers a standing dropkick, followed by a powerbomb. Slimdust is slow to get up, but does, and is met with a side headlock. Slimdust falls down to one knee as the chokehold is taking its toll.

TD: Slimdust, on his knees? Who would have thought it?
Dak: Aren’t you the play-by-play man TD? Why don’t you keep your comments to the match at hand.
Jay: Can someone please disable Dak’s headset? He’s making my ears bleed.
Dak: This is the single best announcing job on Monks yet. Shut it Queenie.

Slimdust manages to get a burst of energy, and rears his hand back, open-palmed, unknown to God. Instead of landing a chop or punch to his opponent, Slimdust opts to slap the ass of God not once, but three times before God releases the hold. He turns around and is met with a roundhouse kick by Slimdust. Slim cheers as he looks at his fallen opponent. Slimdust goes to the top rope, swivels his hips around and thrusts his..uhh, front bottom….forward before jumping off the top rope. He lands a 450 splash!!!! Slimdust covers God, quite literally, for the three count.

Dak: (throwing off his headset in disgust) This is ridiculous. How does that freak pull off a victory against a mat technician like God? I wish this muzzleloader was loaded right now.
TD: Head in the ring to see Slimdust, he’ll show you a weapon that is “loaded”.

Dak shakes his head and locks his gaze on Slimdust from ringside. Slimdust swivels his hips at Dakstang, and blows him a kiss. Dak heads up the ramp backwards, not taking his look off the Perverted One. Pink confetti once again falls from the rafters, and Slimdust claps like Inogenius in a library (if that was actually allowed)

TD: Well, with the “rated R” section of the show out of the way, all we have left is our main event, which has our two vixens ready for a fight. Erin and Gigglypuff go at it, one-on-one for a chance to move forward in the World Title Tournament. To review, Simon and Mr. Joe Cool have thus far advanced in the tourney, and we are awaiting our final entrant.
Jay: I hear this match is going to be a bra-and-panties, pudding, paddle-on-a-pole match, TD.
TD: Where did you hear that from?
Jay: I have, erm, sources.
TD: Your “sources” are Readers Wives, Howard Stern, and the cashier at the adult “toy” store. This match will be contested under normal wrestling rules, folks.

“Snow Patrol” plays and out comes Gigglypuff, in quite a revealing top might I add. She is all business, and on the way to the ring manages to steal a few signs and rip them up. Poor little Timmy in seat 1F is crying, but Gigglypuff doesn’t seem to care. On the plus side, she did give his elbow some action as she “brushed” by. She has her roses with her in hand, and sets them down carefully under the corner turnbuckle. “Champagne Supernova” hits next, and out comes Erin to massive applause. In a pink tanktop and black athletic shorts, couple with elbow and knee pads, Erin runs down the aisle and slides under the bottom rope, standing to meet eye-to-eye with her opponent. No further introduction is needed as the bell rings and the two girls lock up.

TD: Just so our fans know, Erin hasn’t been in action since the Monks Rumble a few months ago, where she managed to “take on” many other men and women. She was crowned the Rumble champion and is now eyeing the World Title.
Jay: I was robbed in that Rumble, I would just like to add.
TD: At least you made it to the ring. That match took place way past my bedtime.

Giggly has Erin trapped against the ropes, and is laying some punches to the abdomen to Erin. The referee does his standard 5-count, then breaks up the girls from the ropes. Erin lunges at Gigglypuff, knocking her down. The girls roll around a bit, exchanging blows. The announcers may or may not have giggled. Gigglypuff gets up first and lands a legdrop on the Rumble winner. She hooks the leg but only gets a 1 count. Erin grabs Giggly’s leg and manages a takedown, and flips her over to lock in a half-crab. Giggly screams, and reaches for the ropes which seem so far away. Just then, Mikk runs down the aisle! He runs to the apron, and begins slapping his hand on the mat, encouraging Gigglypuff to get some strength. Giggly looks confused, but manages to slide over to the ropes and finally grabs it! Erin quickly releases the hold as Mikk begins clapping at ringside.

Jay: What on earth is Mikk doing here? He lost his chance at the title earlier tonight!
TD: I think he’s here for moral support, Jay. You know, morals. That thing you lost on your 11^th birthday.
Jay: No, I believe that was my virginity…hoo-ah!
TD: And this show has reached a new low…

Giggly hits an armdrag takedown and adds some elbows to boot. Erin gains the upperhand with an eye rake and gets up, landing a snap suplex on Giggly. She picks up Giggly and hits a powerbomb!! Erin is slow to get over for a cover, but only gets a 2! Mikk cheers at ringside, and encourages Giggly to get up. Erin irish whips her into the ropes and gets a high knee up. Giggly crashes to the mat, and Erin locks in a sharpshooter, this time smack in the middle of the ring. Giggly has nowhere to go, and Mikk gets on the apron screaming at Giggly to get to the ropes. Giggly crawls a foot or two before succumbing to the pain, and taps! Mikk hangs his head in disappointment as Erin’s hand is raised in victory. Mikk climbs in the ring and grabs the flowers that Gigglypuff had stuck in the corner. As she slowly gets up, Mikk hands them to her. Giggly puts the pieces together and says “You are ‘M’?” He smiles and nods his head, and Giggly sighs.

MWO’s theme plays, and out come all three members of the Monks World Order: Giganto, Blade, and Simon. All three walk down the ramp and use the ring steps to get in the ring. Erin is leaning against the corner turnbuckle at the opposite side where the MWO have entered, and watches as Blade approaches Giggly and Mikk, who are still in the center of the ring. Blade walks up to Giggly and plants a kiss right on her, but Blade keeps his eyes on Mikk during the smooch. Mikk’s smile fades and he turns to leave the ring, but Giganto blocks his way. Mikk turns back around and is met with a punch from Blade! Mikk and Blade exchange blows while Gigglypuff powders out of the ring. Giganto and Simon rush towards Erin and double team her in the corner.

TD: This is a massacre! MWO is laying to Erin and Mikk right now!!!
Jay: The MWO truly have no class.

“Heartache Tonight” starts up and Mr. Cool runs down the ramp to even the score. The crowd goes wild as Cool pulls Giganto off Erin and lands an uppercut to the big man. Erin now can evenly match up against Simon, and the two exchange blows. Eventually, Mikk clotheslines Blade over the top rope. Joe Cool picks up Giganto and throws him over the top rope, with Blade catching him. Mikk and Mr. Cool each grab an arm of Simon and whip him into the ropes. Erin follows closely behind and dropkicks Simon over the top rope as well! The crowd goes nuts and the three members of MWO slowly back up the ramp, talking trash to the three in the ring. Mikk, Mr. Cool and Erin all talk trash back from inside the ring, encouraging the faction to get back in.

TD: And finally, after a month of their tormenting, the group has gotten a taste of their own medicine! They’re retreating like coward dogs!
Jay: And, at least for tonight, all three superstars in the ring were on the same page! But next week the title hunt continues, and Mr. Cool and Erin will be eyeing the top prize, along with Simon.
TD: Folks, we are desperately out of time! See you in two weeks for the next edition, where we promise to narrow the tag team tournament down, as well as name the final 2 participants in the World Title match for “Survivor Monks”, due to air Friday, November 30^th!!!

CM Diddy

I feel left out. No love for the Drunken one.