This is a discussion on ^Official Joke Thread^ within the General Discussion forums, part of the Non Wrestling Forums category; Q. How would you get a Kerryman to climb on the roof of a pub?
A. Tell him the drinks ...
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Q. How would you get a Kerryman to climb on the roof of a pub?
A. Tell him the drinks are on the house!
Q. How do you keep a Kerryman happy for an afternoon?
A. Write P.T.O on both sides of a pice of paper.
Q. What do you call a Kerryman under a wheelbarrow?
A. A mechanic.
Q. Have you heard about the Kerryman who had a brain transplant?
A. The brain rejected him.
Q. What do you do if a Kerryman throws a pin at you?
A. Run like mad- he's probably got a grenade between his teeth!
Q. Did you hear about the Kerryman who saw a notice reading:-"Man wanted for Robbery and Murder"?
A. He went in and applied for the job.
Q. How do you recognise a Kerry pirate?
A. He has a patch over each eye.
Q. Why do Kerry dogs have flat faces?
A. From chasing parked cars.
Q. Have you heard about the Kerryman whose library burnt down?
A. Both books were destroyed, and worse still one hadn't even been coloured in yet!
Q. How do you confuse a Kerryman?
A. Place three shovels against a wall and ask him to take his pick.
Q. Have you heard about the Kerryman who damaged his health by drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman and other stories
Theres A Fly In My Pint
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads.
The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint.
The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting
"SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU B*STARD!!!"
The Magic Ride
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
Anyone not born within the City and County of Dublin will now be required to
Complete the attached application form and return it to:
The Immigration and Population Control Officer
(Culchie Section)
Dublin Corporation Offices
Wood Quay
Dublin 2.
within 21 days of arriving in the City or County of Dublin
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Application to live in the City or County of Dublin.
(Including Fingal)
REDNECKS & CULCHIES APPLY HERE!!!
APPLICATION TO LIVE WITHIN
THE
CITY OR COUNTY
OF
Dublin
(Including Fingal)
Anyone not born within the City and County of Dublin will now be required to
Complete the attached application form and return it to:
The Immigration and Population Control Officer
(Culchie Section)
Dublin Corporation Offices
Wood Quay
Dublin 2.
within 21 days of arriving in the City or County of Dublin
Application to live in the City or County of Dublin.
(Including Fingal)
Name:__________________________
Nickname : (what your friends call you ) __________________________
Address : ( herd number ) _________________________
Father: ( otherwise known as Daddy ) ____________________________
( If you don't know your Daddy, list three suspects )
Mother: _____________________________
Neck Shade: Light Red Medium Red Dark Red
Do You own you own teeth ? Yes No
If borrowed, please state from whom. ________________________
Number of Teeth in Full Grin: Upper: _____ Lower: _____
Length of Right Leg: ____ Length of Left Leg: ____
How many wellies do you own ? ______ (pairs)
Size of Farm:
(please tick)
Middlin' Smallish Bit of a Field Only A Bog
Make of your Tractor: ________________ Weight of Your Tractor: ___________
Tractor Equipped With (please tick) : Gun Rack 4 Wheel Drive Cassette Deck Load of Turf Ford Cortina Shock Absorbers Truck Wheels Sawdoctor's CDs Mud Flaps
Toothpick Holder Big Dog Goat's Hide
Number of empty Beer Cans on floor of your tractor: _________
BUMPER STICKERS SHOWN :
(please tick)
"Well Holy God" Me Other Car Is A Piece of SHITE Too If you're not from Cavan, you're not worth a shite Mayo for Sam Honk if you love Glenroe Supermacs
FAVOURITE VOCALIST:
(please tick)
Margo Big Tom Loretta Lynn Hank Williams Brendan Shine Garth Brooks Tammy Wynette Declan Nerney Daniel O' Donnell Meself What's A Vocalist?
FAVOURITE RECREATION:
(please tick)
Line Dancin' Sheep Shaggin' Slurry Smellin' Bailin' Hay Dole Signin' Drinkin' Chewin' Tabacca Belchin' Spittin' Other
Name(s) of Daughter(s) :
(please tick)
Mary Biddy Bridie Udder
Weapons Owned :
(please tick)
Shovel Power or Chain Saw Pick Handle Slash Hook Hurley Other
Cap Emblem:
(please tick)
Guinness Smithwicks Massey Ferguson Net Nitrate 10-10-20 Kerry Co-Op
Smile if you're wearin' wellies
Number of Dependants : Legal ___ Claimed ___
Number of Welfare Cheques Claimed ____
Number of Weeks Unemployed: ______ (REALLY ____ )
Membership Of:
(please tick)
GAA IFA Macra ICA Youth Defence Fine Gael
Car Model:
(please tick)
Ford Cortina Ford Escort MK1 Ford Escort MK2 Fiat Ritmo VW Jetta Humber Honda 50
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your yard ? _____
Are you married to any of the following :
(please tick)
Sister Brother Cousin Cow
Does your wife weigh more than your tractor ? Yes No
Can you write your name and get the spelling right every time ? Yes No
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend ? ________ If Yes, Why ? __________
Can you count to :
(please tick)
Ten with your shoes on Twenty-one with your fly closed
Medical History:
B.O. Bovine T.B. Smelly Feet Runny Nose Bad Breath Head Lice Sheep Lice
Foot & Mouth Disease
Please give the same information in respect to yourself.
-------------
BREAST IS BEST
Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother. "That's what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that"
.
The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast".
The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?"
Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"
BANK ROBBERY
Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Irish Times on 2 March 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, a gang of raiders' efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat," The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
DEATHBED CONFESSION
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk."
But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE
Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each of them what they would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute."
Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?" The little girl replied, "A prostitute."
"Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied "I thought you said a Protestant."
Father: ( otherwise known as Daddy ) suspects: Ryan, a dead guy, some other guy
( If you don't know your Daddy, list three suspects )
Mother: Jody lol
Neck Shade: Light Red Medium Red Dark Red X (due to sunburn)
Do You own you own teeth ? Yes No X
If borrowed, please state from whom. grandpa
Number of Teeth in Full Grin: Upper: 3 and a 1/3 Lower: 2
Length of Right Leg: about 3ft Length of Left Leg: about 2ft when its cold
How many wellies do you own ? cant count that high (pairs)
Size of Farm:
(please tick)
Middlin' Smallish Bit of a Field Only A Bog X
Make of your Tractor: culchiemadeeasy 2006 Weight of Your Tractor: very sheep have a hell of a time pullin it
Tractor Equipped With (please tick) : Gun Rack 4 Wheel Drive Cassette Deck Load of Turf Ford Cortina Shock Absorbers Truck Wheels Sawdoctor's CDs Mud Flaps
Toothpick Holder Big Dog Goat's Hide
Number of empty Beer Cans on floor of your tractor: about 10
BUMPER STICKERS SHOWN :
(please tick)
"Well Holy God" Me Other Car Is A Piece of SHITE Too X If you're not from Cavan, you're not worth a shite Mayo for Sam Honk if you love Glenroe Supermacs
FAVOURITE VOCALIST:
(please tick)
Margo Big Tom Loretta Lynn Hank Williams Brendan Shine Garth Brooks Tammy Wynette Declan Nerney Daniel O' Donnell Meself X What's A Vocalist?
FAVOURITE RECREATION:
(please tick)
Line Dancin' Sheep Shaggin' Slurry Smellin' Bailin' Hay Dole Signin' Drinkin' Chewin' Tabacca X Belchin' Spittin' Other
Name(s) of Daughter(s) :
(please tick)
Mary Biddy Bridie Udder
Weapons Owned :
(please tick)
Shovel Power or Chain Saw Pick Handle Slash Hook Hurley X Other
Cap Emblem:
(please tick)
Guinness Smithwicks Massey Ferguson Net Nitrate 10-10-20 Kerry Co-Op
Smile if you're wearin' wellies X
Number of Dependants : Legal ___ Claimed ___
Number of Welfare Cheques Claimed 375
Number of Weeks Unemployed: 2 (REALLY 22 )
Membership Of:
(please tick)
GAA IFA Macra ICA Youth Defence Fine Gael X
Car Model:
(please tick)
Ford Cortina Ford Escort MK1 Ford Escort MK2 Fiat Ritmo VW Jetta Humber Honda 50
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your yard ? _____
Are you married to any of the following :
(please tick)
Sister Brother Cousin Cow X
Does your wife weigh more than your tractor ? Yes X No
Can you write your name and get the spelling right every time ? Yes No X
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend ? Yes If Yes, Why ? Couldent affored alchehol
Can you count to :
(please tick)
Ten with your shoes on: just about Twenty-one with your fly closed
Medical History:
B.O. X Bovine T.B. Smelly Feet Runny Nose X Bad Breath Head Lice X Sheep Lice
Foot & Mouth Disease
__________________
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A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"
Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"
A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that **** ages to finish that fence.'"
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have another girl."
One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top."
The last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?"
She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!
There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.
The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."
"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"
"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.
After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big "Y" on her chest.
The doctor asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"
She replies, "Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."
The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big "H" on her chest.
Agian, the doctor asks, "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" The woman replys "My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."
The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large "M".
He says, "Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?"
"No ... " replies the patient. "But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"
Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....
"Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds?"
One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"
Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap wine. Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Directly ahead of them is a fleabitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning himself. One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then back at the dog.
He says, "Wow..would I ever like to be able to do THAT!"
His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside,
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good".
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing".
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love".
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
The Missing Condoms
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."
Oral Awakening
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
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