Terrible first lines to novels

Tyler Durden

Just had these e-mailed to me. I assume they are not genuine (though they could be!!). So has anybody got any ideas for the first lines to their book??

Little did Simon know, as he awoke refreshed and detemined that Sunday morning, that some 48 hours and 240 pages from now, he would fail in his mission and the bomb would detonate, killing everybody.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, but hey, shit happens

"In the corporate world, just as outside, there are good guys and there are bad guys. I'm one of the former category. David Valance: forensic accountant. If you decide to screw your shareholders, you'd better pray I'm not auditing you, you punk-ass bitch. Today started just like any other..."


Call me Ishmael, said Ishmael.


Danny's chest hair just peeked over the top of his tight, tight shirt and Shirley went all weak at the knees as he entered her court from behind the nets.

Sam hated going to Granny's. She smelled, her house smelled and she always washed his face with spit.

He was an ugly man. Not so ugly children ran crying to their mothers, but ugly enough that he would have to buy lonely women at least 6 vodka martinis before seeing any skin.


It was a messy way to go but at least Marshall died with a smile on his face, even if it was someone elses smile and his face was a long way from the rest of his body.

"Tommy was the most popular boy in school. I hated Tommy. That's why I killed him" I shouted to my sobbing mother.

Like a fat man who had misheard the August weather forecast and had gone out in his polar fleece, our reluctant hero was sweating heavily.

"Oh well you've really ballsed it up now John", John swore to himself, as he watched his family and friends melt into the lava beneath his feet.

It was a warm summers day. Emily was wearing her revealing nightdress. She crossed the room to Alex and nestled her head against his chest. She had the fragrant smell of pine-logs burning. He looked down - her wooden leg was on fire.

He lay there at 5am thinking to himself, 'Why did I do it? I don't need the money, I have chronic arthritis in both hands and the toes I lost to frostbite make walking difficult. Why did I get a job as a postman?'

"It's good to be back at school", said Harry Potter although he wouldn't have said it if he'd know he was going to die horribly by being impaled by a broomstick while playing Quidditch four weeks from now on a Tuesday when it was raining and he'd ignored his mother's advice from long ago and wasn't wearing clean underwear.

Derek's favourite prank was to staple people into their chairs when they weren't paying attention. However, he made a mistake when he stapled Don "The Don" Donnington to his sun lounger.

Henry peered fretfully between the doctor and midwife. Oh, bloody hell, she'd given birth to a mutant again. Henry hated his wife.

'Actually Frankenstein was the creator not the monster' said a typically smug Mr Rinston taking great pleasure in his latest correction.

The gazpacho looked ready now, not too thick, not too thin. John undressed and readied himself for a soup-stirring, a soup-stirring the likes of which had not been seen in centuries.

Without actually realising, Adolf had accidently invaded Poland. "Vell vy should i schtop now" he thought.

Dave hobbled into A and E, everyone was looking at him. "Can i help you" said the receptionist. "Err... yes, i came home from shopping and i locked myself out, so i errrrr tried to climb up the drainpipe and fell on a ....... tube of Tomato Ketchup aaaaaand its........stuck up my arse"

"Her eyes were a beautiful bright blue. Her lips full and sensual. And her legs strong and firm, all four of them."

"Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom."

"Her bosom was heaving uncontrollably; she doubted she'd make it to the toilet on time."

pp2

HA! Some of those can't be serious attempts at writing, like the Harry Potter and Dickens references. Others...wow, that's some bad prose. Nice list.

Can't decide if my favorite is the family and friends melting in lava or the wooden leg on fire lol.

Dr. Giganto

Those are extremely funny...cant possibly be real though.

my favorite is "Like a fat man who had misheard the August weather forecast and had gone out in his polar fleece, our reluctant hero was sweating heavily."

AudioSavior

Lol, I want to read some of those books.

Chewy

haha I remeber reading that, thats from lord of the rings the fellow ship of the ring.

Erin

Monk's First Lady

Henry peered fretfully between the doctor and midwife. Oh, bloody hell, she'd given birth to a mutant again. Henry hated his wife.

YES! LOL, if you have ever read the Autobiography of Henry VIII, there is a lot like this. I laughed for a long time.