Jokes about your rivals. Depending on who you support it could be Man Utd, Liverpool, Arsenal etc etc etc.
Remember its just a bit of fun. No need to get defensive.
01. Q: Did you hear about the spurs fan who was once again so disappointed with their season he nailed his season ticket on the door of white hart lane?
A: The following day he had a change of mind and went back to get it again, but when he got there somebody had stolen the nail.
02. Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their
latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
03. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
04: Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and a Man u Fan.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Man u Fan. Twice.
05: Q: What do you call 100 Man u supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start!
06: Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.
07: Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.
08: Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved!
09: Martin Jol is out shopping in town when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping…
MJ "Can you manage, love?"
Old Lady: "Up yours Fat Boy, you took the job, you're stuck with it…"
10: An Arsenal fan is jumping up and down on the railway line chanting "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..." when a Tottenham fan comes over and asks him what he's doing... The Arsenal fan tells him its fun, and invites him to try... upon this a high speed train zooms past at 100 miles an hour killing the Tottenham fan stone dead...
The Arsenal fan carries on jumping on and off the rail chanting "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
11: Gilberto is driving away from The Emirates after training and he sees the local vicar walking along the side of the road and offers him a lift; the vicar accepts and jumps in. 200 yards down the road, Gilberto sees Paul Robinson wandering down the path, and thinks "right, the little weasel, I'll have 'im", and starts to swerve across the road to run him over. He quickly realises that he has a man of the cloth in his car and swerves back the other way Nervously he says to the vicar, "I have a confession to make, reverend, I nearly run over Paul Robinson back there just because he plays for Tottenham"
So the vicar replies "It's Ok, don't worry my son, I got him with the door!"
12: Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?". God Replies, "In the next five years"
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Man Utd next win the European Cup?".
I'll The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years".
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Tottenham win the Premier League?". God Answers, "I will be dead by then!"
13: Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool…
14: Q: Why do Geordie Supporters have Moustaches?
A: So they can look like their Mothers.
15: Computer Virus':
The Manchester United Virus. This is where your PC thinks its far superior than any other PC and develops a memory disorder, forgetting anything that happened before 1993.
The David Beckham Virus. This affects newer PC's mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.
The Fabien Barthez Virus. This one's not particularly harmful - but you just can't save anything.
The Manchester United Shirt Virus. This one is especially hard to detect as it changes it's format every 3 months.
Ronaldo Virus. This causes windows operating system to fall for no apparent reason.
16: Exam Time:
Q 1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford. David is 65 yards away and Gary 37 yards away. If Roy can run at 21 mph, David at 16mph, and Gary at 6mph, who will be sticking their vein bulging forehead into the ref's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to decapitate an opponent on the way?
Q 2. If one minute of injury time is taken up in a game for substitutions, and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home???
Q 3. Quinton is a non-EU national and needs to play in 70% of games to keep his work permit. Since 1999, he has played 43 games out of a possible 185. Express as a percentage the number of games he has missed, and explain why he has not yet been deported!
Q 4. Diego cost Alex £7.5m and has scored one goal in 33 games. Jamie Carragher has never played for United and has scored twice for them.
a) Which of the 2 men is the more potent goalscorer for United?
b) How many more tiers should United build on the Stretford End to ensure Diego's shots remain inside Old Trafford?
17: Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsenal reached the double last year, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Arsène Wenger coaches his team. After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. 'Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally'. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the sidelines. He asks: 'Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is not difficult', Dennis answers immediately, 'Of course that is me'. 'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp', Wenger says to Fergie. Ferguson, who wants to win the double also, decides to bring this into Manchester United's practice the next day. He calls David Beckham over to the sidelines. 'David, I have a question for you', he says, 'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?' 'My God, Coach', is the Spice Boy's reply, 'That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why do you ask me these questions?' Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement. So that night Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods. 'Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is easy, that is me!', says Jaap Stam. So the next day David walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks: 'David, do you know the answer to my question now?'. 'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'Is it Jaap Stam?' Ferguson answers: 'No of course not you stupid idiot. It's Dennis Bergkamp!
18: Q: What would you get if Manchester United were relegated?
A: 60,000 more Chelsea fans
Liverpool get off quite easy so far. Number 17 is quite old as well.
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