[Tyler Durden]

"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the ****** arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the **** out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."

"Pick up the gun."

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

"You all saw him - he had a gun."
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People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted."

If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.
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I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy.

People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...
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"Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. 'Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages – 12 thousand years.' Well, how ••••••• scientific! Okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good.
You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? 'That's right.' Okay, I got one word to ask you. A one word question. Ready? 'Uh-uh.' Dinosaur.
You know, the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and they existed in that time ... you'd think it would have been mentioned in the ••••••• Bible at some point. 'And lo, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus ... with a splinter in his paw. And O, the disciples did run a-shrieking: "What a big ••••••• lizard, Lord!" But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat ••••••• families and their fat dollar bills. And O, Scotland did praise the Lord: "Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord."'"
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"..you never see my attitude in the press, that's what bugs me. You never see my point of view. For instance, gays in the military. Now, I dunno how y'all feel about it... here's how I feel about it: Anyone dumb enough to want to be in the military should be allowed in. End of ••••••• story. That should be the only requirement. I don't care how many push ups you can do, put on a helmet, go wait in that foxhole we'll tell you when we need you to kill somebody. You know i'm sick of hearing military guys saying "The esprit de corps will be affected, and we are such a moral..." Excuse me, aren't y'all hired ••••••• killers? Shut up! You are thugs and when we need you to go blow the •••• outta a nation of little brown people we'll let you know. Until then... Where do the ••••••• military get all these morals? "We are the military; is that a village of children and kids? Where's the napalm? (explosion) I don't want any gay people hanging around me when I'm killing women and kids. I just dont wanna see it."
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"This is the idea that has made me virtually an anonymous figure in America for the last 16 years. If you have children I am sorry to tell you this: They are not special. You think your child is special because one out of 200 million sperm connected? Gee, what are the ••••in' odds? You know what that means? That means I have wiped entire civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. I've tossed universes in my underpants. While napping. That is special." --
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I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show, I went to a waffle house. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm eating, I'm alone and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, what you readin' for?' Is that like the weirdest ••••••• question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading ... for. 'Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hm ... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is ... so I don't end up being a ••••••• waffle waitress.'
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"I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know, you can go down there and to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called ... 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named it that after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology here, but ... Anyway, they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it."

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"But get this. I actually asked one of these guys: Okay – dinosaur fossils. How does that fit into your scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in. He says: 'Dinosaur fossils? God put those here to test our faith.' Thank God I'm strapped in right now here, man. I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. You believe that? 'Uh-huh.' Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God might be ... ••••••• with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: 'Ho ho ho. [imitates burying fossiles] We will see who believes in me now, ha ha ha. I am God, I am a prankster. I am killing Me, ho ho ho.' You know, you die and go to St. Peter: 'Did you believe in dinosaurs?' 'Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere. [sound of trapdoor opening] Aaah!' 'You ••••••• idiot! Flying lizards? You're a moron. God was ••••••• with you!' 'It seemed so plausible! Aaah!' 'Enjoy the lake of fire, ••••••!'"
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"Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs?

Guess there's a lot of guys on dates here who've got their fingers crossed by now ..."
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"My worst fear, is that I die unexpectedly, my mom comes over to clear my stuff and finds my porn collection. There'll be two funerals in the Hicks household that day.
I'll be the first person going through the pearly gates having his ass spanked by his momma"
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One time I got pulled over and I was so drunk that when I saw the police car lights I thought we'd made it to another club....
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