screw chuck norris hello jack bauer

Suffy

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa.
Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
Dr House once told Jack Bauer that "House" could kick 24's ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.

Genocide

sufjan do you honestly expect me to read all that?

King TE

Booo. Chuck Norris pwns Jackie boy.

Suffy

yes geno i expect you to read all of them and wet yourself from laughing so hard

i know i did the first time...

Guardian Devil

Half of those are knock-offs from original Chuck Norris facts. Boooo....

Genocide

Cant you like make a recording or something for me?