Slimdust

NICK BAKAY'S TALE OF THE TAPE:
OLD QB VS. YOUNG QB



NICKNAMES :
OLD QB: "The Gunslinger"
YOUNG QB: "The Bed Wetter"
ADVANTAGE: Old QB

POCKET POISE :
OLD QB: Can read defenses in his sleep.
YOUNG QB: A JUCO transfer to an SEC school, so there's a good chance he can't read.
ADVANTAGE: Old QB

MOBILITY :
OLD QB: All the escapability of John Goodman.
YOUNG QB: Runs like the wind, which would be great if his team used the option.
ADVANTAGE: Young QB

RECENTLY TESTED POSITIVE FOR :
OLD QB: Centrum Silver.
YOUNG QB: Mountain Dew Code Red.
ADVANTAGE: Push

THINGS THAT CAUSE DOUBT IN THE HUDDLE :
OLD QB: He puts his bifocals on to read the play off his armband.
YOUNG QB: He's drinking Gatorade from a sippy cup.
ADVANTAGE: Push

TOUCH :
OLD QB: No longer has enough arm strength to throw the long ball.
YOUNG QB: Throws his screen passes so hard they break orbital bones.
ADVANTAGE: Push

PLAYBOOK :
OLD QB: Learning his 43rd offensive system in 12 years.
YOUNG QB: Can only remember formations if they're named after SpongeBob characters.
ADVANTAGE: Old QB

HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE :
OLD QB: Actually played for the Houston Oilers, the L.A. Raiders and the Baltimore Colts.
YOUNG QB: Thinks the Browns are an expansion team.
ADVANTAGE: Old QB

DISTURBED TO LEARN THAT :
OLD QB: He's older than the head coach.
YOUNG QB: His new teammates aren't playing as well as they do on Madden 2007.
ADVANTAGE: Push

SPENT BONUS MONEY ON :
OLD QB: A donut pillow.
YOUNG QB: A Hummer with a PlayStation mounted in the dashboard.
ADVANTAGE: Push (both can only spell trouble)

JUST LOST :
OLD QB: His prostate.
YOUNG QB: His virginity.
ADVANTAGE: Young QB

GOT ... :
OLD QB: Some new ligaments from a cadaver.
YOUNG QB: Homesick at training camp.
ADVANTAGE: Push

DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO :
OLD QB: Hang it up.
YOUNG QB: Slide.
ADVANTAGE: Push

So there you have it, it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a training camp showdown that can only lead to a lingering controversy, the advantage goes to ... Old QB, in a squeaker! But hang in there, Young QB -- it's only a matter of weeks before the home-field crowd starts chanting your name after a drive-killing interception.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay, reminding you the numbers never lie ...

nfl.com