Jayman

Super Moderator

*Your television set TiVO kicks in just in time for the latest and greatest edition of the Clique Wrestling Federation!!!! Grab the popcorn and refill your cranberry juice, because we are primed and pumped for 2 hours of fake wrestling action. The opening CWF intro glows on the set, showing various clips like Joe Cool with the World Title belt, Team UK in the ring together, Mikk holding up his newly won UK Title, and other regulars such as Jackie, the CWO, Slimdust, and Suntan Superman. The clip ends with Dakstang jumping in the ring last week and spearing down The Phantom, his closest target. Team UK more than triples the odds by beating down Dak as a result as the crowd boos. Our opening brings us LIVE to the familiar place of backstage, where we find Dakstang walking around with a purpose. He’s looking in doorways, down hallways, obviously trying to find something. Finally, he says “A-ha” and Felix walks up to him.

Dakstang: Commish, I wanted to talk to you..
Felix: You and everyone else. We had an entire flight over to Belfast, Ireland and nobody said a word to me, but now everyone needs something. But no problem, I always have time for the hillbilly. What’s up, Dak? (laughs at himself, after doing a poor impression of Bugs Bunny)
Dakstang: Team UK, that’s what’s up. And now, for the next two weeks we will be in their dump of a backyard. I have been looking over my shoulder all day, making sure those punks aren’t jumping me. What should I do?
Felix: Well, I have a good idea on how to start. Last week, you chose your target as The Phantom when you took him down as Team UK was wrapping up their interview. Phantom found me earlier and demanded a singles match with you tonight, so you should get ready for that.
Dakstang: I love the sound of that. Well, that cares care of my match. But what about my personal safety?
Felix: Dak, you’re a big boy. If the numbers game is too much for you, and Team UK has a big advantage. I suggest you find some comrades.
Dakstang: What are you talking about?
Felix: My boy, you aren’t the only one on this roster who isn’t a citizen of the United Kingdom.

*Felix walks off and Dakstang scratches his skin, as the Ireland crowd boos the American. The scene fades out and we have a quick “RAW IMPACT” opening video, and cut live to Odyssey Arena where screaming fans are holding up signs we may not be used to seeing whilst in the States: “God is the GOD of CWF”, “Give God the Women’s Title, and every other title!”, “I came to see Gigglypuff, NOT Erin or Jackies!!!”, and “Manchester United sucks”. Tyler Durden is standing atop his commentators booth, which is adorned with the flag of Ireland, and he receives some modest cheers, even though he’s from bloody England. Jayman stands up and waves to the crowd, but gets only boos. The two commentators are once again at separate booths at opposite ends of the ring.

Tyler: What a warm welcome that was! And how great it is to be on the BETTER side of the Atlantic for a change.
Jay: Just want to give everyone a fair warning: If I see a leprechaun around here, I’m going to punt them right out of this hellhole of an arena.
Tyler: Let’s move onto the action for tonight. And someone cut Jay’s mic off, please. I’ve been told that following A-Bomb and Peacesells’ loss to the “African Hooligans” last week, they are getting another shot as a team by taking on CWO cronies Blade and Giganto tonight.
Jay: I think that punt to the head to A-Bomb last week may have left some permanent damage. But that remains to be seen. Also on the card, hometown boy God is teaming up with fellow UK team member Gigglypuff in tag action to take on “The Canadian Connection” of Erin and Zar333.
Tyler: Of course we already know about Dakstang and Phantom’s singles match. But if just 1 member of “Anarchy in the UK” isn’t enough…our main event pits Crocker going up against Joe Cool. And better yet, this one is for the CWF World Title!
Jay: What?!? That’s not on my notes.
Tyler: Because nobody cares enough about you to tell you. Now let’s get started here.

*The Gap Band’s “You Dropped A Bomb On Me” starts up and out he comes to a somewhat dead reaction. He has a picture of a big bomb on his chest, with the word “A-Bomb” running up and down both legs of his black tights. He gets halfway down the ramp before Megadeth takes over with their hit “Peace Sells”. Out come the man with the same name, and they head in the ring together. The CWO theme takes over next and they are walking down the ramp next. Peace Sells has a microphone in hand.

PeaceSells: On behalf of A-Bomb and myself, I just wanted to send out a personal “Thank You” to commissioner Felix for giving us a second tryout match. Our first one didn’t go so well, but we had the butterflies in our stomachs. Now we are focused, and looking forward to showing the Clique what we have to offer.

*He sets down the mic and A-Bomb starts off against Blade in this contest. Blade locks in an armbar and a takedown to AB. Blade continues with an arsenal of moves until AB eventually takes over and hits a DDT. A tag into PeaceSells and he continues the assault, almost winning with a long 2-count. When PS is close to the CWO’s corner, Giganto hits a knee to his back and Blade takes over from there. Giganto is tagged in and lays some hard-hitting offense. PS has a few moments of hope, but in the end Giganto lays the “New York Knuckle Shuffle” down and pins for the 3 count.

Tyler: And that’s all she wrote folks. Between tonight and last week, the CWO really is on a roll here.
Jay: And chalk up another loss for the new team of A-Bomb and PeaceSells. At least they managed longer than Tyler’s last sexual episode. In 1951.
Tyler: Poor jokes aside…what the heck is this?

*Simon is walking down the ramp, clapping at Blade and Giganto in the ring. They smile back at their leader, and Simon gets in the ring before picking up PeaceSells by his hair. In one quick motion, he slaps his hand around the throat of PeaceSells and lifts him up, then drops him down with a vicious chokselam. The crowd is booing at this point. But Simon shrugs it off and turns his attention to A-Bomb, who is confused at these events. Simon kicks him in the gut, then hoists up A-Bomb in an equally devastating chokeslam.

Jay: Well this was just unnecessary. Simon is just doing this as retaliation for losing the World Title Belt.
Tyler: Simon has officially snapped. He still has a rematch with Joe Cool at a time of his choosing. But Simon hasn’t decided when yet, so he must be calculating an opportune time.
Jay: In the meantime, it appears he’ll take out his frustrations on people who don’t deserve it.

*We cut to a promo that shows only a white screen. A few moments later, and white specs appear, falling down slowly. The camera comes into focus more and it is positioned in front of an igloo. Dogs can be heard barking in the background. Two figures emerge from the igloo, covered in thick hooded parkas; one jacket is black and one is pink. They jump on the back of a cart attached to some sled dogs and ride off while an announcer declares: “The Alaskan Team of )85( and xXJessXx…..in action next week!!!”

*Backstage, A-Bomb and PeaceSells are walking through the curtain, holding various body parts and in immense pain. They sigh and lower their heads as they see the figure standing in front of them: Duke. He’s wearing his referee’s shirt again this week and cowboy hat, and is laughing.

Duke: How ya doin’ there, champs?
PeaceSells: Not now Duke, we need to hit the showers and ice down our knees, arms, back, and legs.
Duke: Nice effort out their boys. When will you learn you’re just not cut out for this stuff? I only have one regret….
A-Bomb: That one night in Denver with the old, bearded man?
Duke: …..that I wasn’t the one to count the pinfall to give you two your second loss. Hahahah!!

*”I Am, I Am” starts up and the crowd goes buck wild (unusual, no?) as the hometown boy God comes out. He takes a few steps out to the entrance ramp and bows once, twice, three times to the crowd. Behind him is Gigglypuff, and both of them are in their ring attire. God takes his time walking down the ramp, reveling in the moment of being cheered for the first time in the history of the Clique. Gigglypuff is all smiles as well, realizing this is one of the few times she’ll be cheered as well. They head in the ring together, but before their opponents are introduced, God takes a microphone.

God: It feels so good to be home in the greatest country in the world!!!! Thank you to all my hundreds of billions of fans around the world, but the #1 fans are right here in the Odyssey Arena!! In the past few months, you’ve all no doubt seen me dominate every competitor they have thrown me in front of. Whether it’s a monster such as Suntan Superman, or a little sleaze like Erin. I have dominated the entire women’s division around this place, and it’s now time for……

*”Iron Man” by Black Sabbath plays, and the crowd actually boos the Commissioner of this federation. Felix stops in mid-trek to the ring and looks taken aback, wondering why he’s being booed. But he shrugs it off and slaps the side of the briefcase he is holding with him. God lowers his microphone and taps his foot impatiently in the center of the ring. Felix enters, and walks right up to God….and snatches away his microphone! This generates some boos, but Felix tells them all to settle down.

Felix: Yes, for the hundredth time, you’ve beaten up on CWF superstars who are 100 pounds and 8 inches your inferior. Whoop-de-doo.
God: (leaning into Felix’s mic) That’s about 45kg and 20 cm, fans.
Felix: Whatever. Anyway, over the past few weeks, I’ve been hearing the same nagging request. It’s frustrated me to the point where I need to shut your mouth and just appease you. So without further ado…I award God with…..(opening the briefcase)…….the CWF Women’s Title! (cheers) I can’t believe you people are actually cheering this.

*God steps back a few times and stumbles, and drops to his knees like he just won the damn Olympics. From behind him, Gigglypuff is patting him on the back and smiling. She helps strap the pink belt around his waist, and upon snapping it shut, God jumps up and down with it, proudly posing it to the crowd. Felix shakes his head and leaves. Meanwhile, the Canadian National Anthem plays and the crowd boos as both Zar333 and Erin head out to the ring. Erin is pointing and laughing at God’s new accessory, but The Master Debator doesn’t seem to phased. He is shining the face of the belt.

Tyler: Well, add yet another championship belt to Team UK. We now hold 4 out of the 5 titles in the CWF.
Jay: “We?” Don’t include yourself in that group, gramps. Not until you actually step in the ring and show you can swing a punch.
Tyler: Speaking of which, I saw your match at Cliquemania. How exciting. You’re now officially 0-1 in the ring.
Jay: Any day Tyler. You name the time and place.
Tyler: Tomorrow night. Your mom’s house. Tell her to wear that outfit I love so much.

Zar and God start things off in the ring. God gets the early advantage, and is using the ropes to deliver a clothesline over the top. Zar hits the outside hard and Erin tends to him. Back in the ring now is Zar, and God is delivering some good offense. He tags in Gigglypuff, who continues the assault, complete with a double suplex. Zar is hurting now, and Giggly goes for a pin but only gets 2. Giggly locks in her finisher, the bear hug! The crowd cheers as Zar writhes in pain. The referee asks if he submits, but Zar shakes his head. Giggly throws him down out of frustration and goes up top. She misses a splash off the top, and Zar slowly crawls to his corner…yes!...he makes the tag and Erin is beating down on Gigglypuff. She hits a bulldog then slaps on the Canadian Mapleleaf submission hold. Erin leans back to apply even more pressure, and before God can get through the ropes, Gigglypuff is already tapping out. The crowd boos as the Canadians slips out of the ring and taunt God and Giggly from the outside. God tends to Gigglypuff and is seething at Erin, who smiles as she’s gotten one over on God.

Tyler: I call shenanigans!
Jay: You would!

*We head backstage, where Jackie is standing next to Commissioner Felix. He has a clipboard in his hand, and is studying it quite hard. Once realizing they are on the air, Jackie snaps out of her daydream.

Jackie: Commissioner Felix, you have requested this time.
Felix: Yes, thank you Jackie. As some may know, I am always looking out for what is best for business. Our biggest pay-per-view of the year, Cliquemania, drove in a lot of dollars for us. However, we need to continue looking toward the future and the next success for the CWF. In about a month (or so..), we will be having our next Pay-Per-View Event, “King of the Clique”. In addition to every title being on the line, we will also be having an 8-man
Jackie: …or woman?
Felix: Ah..yes. Thank you. We will be holding an 8-person tournament in one night to determine the first “King of the Clique”. In addition to having the honor of being named the first King…
Jackie: …or Queen…
Felix: Yes, or Queen of the Clique, they will also have a title opportunity the very next night on RAW IMPACT. However, the title that person will fight for will be drawn randomly for a hat. So, the King (or Queen) will have the opportunity of fighting for either the World, UK, Womens, or Tag Team titles on the following show. Now, I have already begun the brackets. In the top bracket, former tag team champions Invictus and Inogenius will meet one-on-one to settle their differences. In the very bottom bracket, former tag team participants CM Drunk and Half-Boy will meet in the first round to settle their score as well. Here is the bracket so far.




Jackie: Wow, those are two big first-found matchups! So it looks like there are 4 spots left. How does someone get entered into the Queen of the Clique competition?
Felix: Good question, Jackie. I’ll be watching from afar in the upcoming weeks and awarding spots to 4 more people I deem fit for the competition. So put on your best stuff, superstars!!!!

*We head back to ringside with King Jayman and T.D.

Jay: Hey! That competition sounds right up my alley. Although, I’m the one and true king around this place. I even have my own kingdom!
TD: I think Dakstang crushed that a few weeks ago, if my memory serves me right.
Jay: Memory? Ah….hell, that’s too easy.

*Backstage once again, Dakstang knocks on the door of Slimdust. Dak hears gunshots, screaming, and girls moaning in there. Hesitantly, Dak opens the door to see Slim playing Grand Theft Auto IV. He pauses the game and Slim (wearing a remodeled “Sexyweight” title) jumps up from his beanbag chair and hugs Dak. Dak doesn’t return the hug, but instead stands there motionless.

Dakstang: What the hell was that?
Slimdust: A hug, silly! Now, what can I do for you? Who can I do for you?
Dakstang: I’m here because I need some help against Team UK. I think you’re from the States....aren’t you?
Slimdust: Location is just a state of mind, Dakky-poo. In my mind, I live in Candy Land.
Dakstang: What?
Slimdust: Candy Land. The place where you can float down a river of chocolate, or lay on a bed of peppermint patties. Do you like Skittles, Dak?
Dakstang: You are losing me, Slim.
Slimdust: I wish this couch was made of candy. Or this PS3 controller. Or even your shirt, Dak.

*Slim playfully bites on Dak’s flannel shirt, making a “munching” noise. Dak jumps back startled and runs out of the room. Dak slams the door and wipes his forehead, which is now sweating. He shakes his head in disbelief and walks into the next locker room, the nameplate of which is blank.

Dak: Hello? Anyone here?
Voice: Yeah!

*Dak turns the corner and sees Suntan Superman hitting a punching bag. There are half a dozen shower curtain rods on the floor, most split in half. Dak realizes which locker room he’s in and takes a few steps back, afraid he angered the giant.

SS: What do you want, hillbilly?
Dak: Where are you from?
SS: Come again, little weasel?
Dak: Where were you born? Are you American?
SS: I’m Samoan. Open your eyes, punk.
Dak: Samoan. Is that in the United States?
SS: Americans are so damn ignorant. Get the hell out of here before I break you in half.

*Dak backs out of Suntan’s locker room and heads down the hall. Back in the ring, “Anarchy in the UK” by the Sex Pistols plays and Phantom comes out to some cheers. Apparently the Welshman is being cheered because he is from the UK, but the Irish aren’t particularly fond of him. Instead of his usual Welsh flag, The Phantom is carrying the flag of Ireland, and upon seeing this his stock goes way up and the crowd cheers him. “Sweet Home West Virginia”, the remix by Lynyrd Skynyrd plays next and the crowd quickly change to boos. Dak comes out proudly waving a United States flag. He ignores the debris being thrown at him and instead beelines for the ring. Duke is in their to officiate this contest and we’re off. The match is back and forth at the beginning, with both men trading punches. Dak goes on the offense first with a fisherman’s suplex. A few more German suplexes only lands a 2 count. Phantom takes over and locks in a sleeper hold. Dak is fading away fast, but gets his arm raised at 3! Dak with elbows to the midsection. Dak flips Phantom in a flapjack, then runs off the ropes and hits a flying neckbreaker. Phantom up and walks right into the Redneck Stunner. Dak covers 1…..2…..3!!! This one’s over and the crowd isn’t too happy with the outcome of this one. Mikk heads down the ramp, running rather swiftly. Behind him is Invictus, Half-Boy, and God. They all join Phantom in a beatdown, which the crowd is cheering for. Dak throws his arms up in front of his face, trying to defend himself from as many shots as he can, but it’s useless. The 5-on-1 beating is too much, and when the group gets off him, Dakstang is bleeding from the forehead, from the mouth, and his flannel shirt is ripped to hell.

Tyler: Haha, this is great!
Jay: Oh right, real fair. Another massive beating to Dakstang, only this week the twisted UK fans enjoy it! What a real manly attack!
Tyler: I didn’t see Princess Jayman out there helping his good buddy Dak.
Jay: As much as Dak and I have never seen eye to eye, I just don’t know…Dak sure hasn’t made a lot of friends around here in his stay with the CWF. That may be coming back to bite him in the ass now.
Tyler: At any rate…..I’m being told that we are going live, on location here in Belfast, to Rambo and Necro. Let’s join that feed in progress.

*Fade to Rambo and Necro sitting inside an authentic Irish pub. Necro is sipping on a mug of Guinness, looking around at the common folk. There are a few fights going on in the bar, but nothing out of the ordinary of a typical Friday afternoon at an Irish pub. Rambo, meanwhile, is blacked out in the chair next to his tag team partner. Necro nods his head slowly in appreciation of this place.

Necro: Helluva pub.

*Fade out.

Tyler: (blinking) Um….that was…educational?
Jay: Let’s just head towards our main event. Crocker and Joe Cool are going one-on-one with the World Heavyweight Title on the line. I am told that Jackie is standing backstage with Manchester City’s biggest fan, Crocker.

*Backstage, Crocker is standing with Jackie in full ring gear, and as Jackie begins to speak, Crocker snags away the microphone and shoos her away. Crocker talks right into the microphone.

Crocker: Thanks for your unwanted time, Jackie. But I’m conducting my own interview here. Joe Cool, I hope you’re listening. You’re hardly cool, bro. You look like a computer programmer from Washington State to me. Yet somehow you managed to sneak a victory here and there and grab the World Title. But that’s fine. Because it’s all going to come crashing down tonight, Joey. You know what else is a “Joey”? A baby kangaroo. I could kick a baby kangaroo farther than that traitor David Beckham could kick a football. And just like Manchester United, you’re going to come out on the losing end Joe Cool. Team UK is going to add the final piece of the puzzle to our arsenal: the World Heavyweight Championship.

*Crocker throws down the mic and walks off camera as his music plays. “Anarchy in the UK” plays one more time tonight and Crocker heads out to the ring where his UK cohorts are still standing after the Dakstang beating. Ring crew has just finished cleaning up the blood that poured out of Dakstang’s forehead and Crocker joins his UK men in the ring, raising their arms together to cheers as “Heartache Tonight” plays next. The crowd boos as Joe Cool heads out to the ring. Not used to this ovation, Joe stands back a bit before heading towards the ring, nodding to the few fans who like him. Team UK stands around the ring in support of Crocker. Joe hands off his belt to the referee, who raises it up to declare its being defended.

They tie up and Crocker gains early advantage here. Highlights of the match include a top rope suplex by Crocker, which tweaks Joe’s back. Joe clutches his back in pain as he struggles to get up. Crocker takes advantage of this with a few backbreakers that follow. He goes for a pin, but Joe kicks out of it in time. Joe takes over the offensive with a hard shoulderblock into the corner that stalls Crocker’s momentum. A running clothesline into the corner follows a running knee to the face of Crocker and the Englishman is in the corner hurt. Cool picks up Crocker and hoists him over his shoulder, runs across the ring with Crocker to give him the running powerslam and….NO! Crocker slips out behind him and dropkicks the back of Joe Cool, sending the champion down to the mat hard. Crocker with a STF submission, and Team UK is clapping, along with the crowd. Crocker applies more pressure, and Joe screams in pain. But he won’t submit, and somehow finds the ropes! Crocker removes the hold and goes up top for the top rope elbow finisher, the English Elbow. He flies off but Joe rolls out at the last second!! Both men are down for the 8-count before Joe gets up first. He boots Crocker in the gut and picks him up before delivering a running powerslam finisher. He goes to pin, but Phantom and Mikk jump on the apron. Rather than count the finish, the referee yells at them to get down. Joe clotheslines Mikk off the apron, and gives a big boot to Phantom to send him back down to the floor. Half-Boy and Invictus tend to the two fallen UK’ers. Joe turns around and Crocker lands a neckbreaker. Crocker pins 1….2…..no! Joe Cool up and lands a second running powerslam finisher! He pins 1….2….3!!!! And the crowd boos as Joe is handed the World Title belt, he slithers out of the ring while Mikk and Phantom come to their senses and join Crocker in the ring. Invictus and God follow suit and join him in the ring, taunting Joe from the ring.

Jay: And Joe has survived the onslaught of Team UK here tonight in Ireland! He has gotten through week 1 of the “UK Invasion”, but will he make it though next week when we come to you….
TD: …from the capital of the greatest country in the world, London England?? It seems that everyone is gunning for the champion these days. But it was truly “Heartache Tonight” for Crocker and Team UK.
Jay: And I’ve just learned that Commissioner Felix has signed a #1 contenders match for Joe Cool’s World Title. And that match will main event next week! Who is involved in that matchup?
TD: No clue Jay, but whoever wins that one will face Joe Cool at “King of the Clique”. I am told that Simon is NOT one of the two participants in that match…
Jay: Interesting indeed. We continue to roll towards “King of the Clique” next week in the O2 Arena! See you next week!

*We fade out as Joe Cool is walking up the ramp, clutching his back and getting taunted still by Team UK in the ring. He raises his title belt proudly, which peeves the members in the ring. “Heartache Tonight” plays as we fade off the air.