Dr. Giganto

Predators Sign Two Fat Guys, Three Skinny Guys, Two Medium Guys

Looking to bolster sagging interest in hockey and upgrade their roster, the Nashville Predators have signed two fat guys, three skinny guys, and two medium guys from the Nintendo Ice Hockey video game.

“It struck us that the only thing most people know about hockey relates to either video games they played as a kid or references in pop culture,” said Predators’ general manager David Poile. “So it only makes sense to bring in a few classic Nintendo Ice Hockey characters. We thought about adding Youngblood, Racki and the Hanson Brothers, but they were all in their primes in the '70s and '80s.”

Poile said he felt that the fat guys, who can knock down both skinny and medium players and have booming slap shots, will fit in well on an inexperienced Predators back line. He also stressed that, with many of the new NHL rules designed to open up the game and emphasize skill, the three skinny guys could form one of the most potent first lines in the game.

“I am looking forward to joining the Predators,” said Fat Guy No. 1, who has worn the fluorescent green sweater of Nintendo Canada for the last 20 years. “I really like country music and I will thoroughly enjoy beating the shit out of Jeremy Roenick.”

"Our skinny line will easily skate circles around just about anyone the opposition can throw at us. Sure, they'll fall down a lot and can't shoot worth a lick, but that's why we've got the big fatties back at the blue line."
- Predators' GM David Poile

“We thought about just bringing in a bunch of medium guys, since they have the best all-around games, but what’s the fun in that?” said head coach Barry Trotz. “I don’t know a single person that picked medium guys back in the day, so why would we do so now? Our skinny line will easily skate circles around just about anyone the opposition can throw at us. Sure, they’ll fall down a lot and can’t shoot worth a lick, but that’s why we’ve got the big fatties back at the blue line.”


The Predators did eventually decided to add a couple of medium guys to round out their checking line. “We want to be politically correct, here, too,” said Trotz. “It’s okay to be just a regular guy. Plus, the nondescript medium guys will really appeal to our working-class fans.”

Trotz added that he hoped the Nintendo players would be able to adapt to the five-on-five style of play. “To this day, I have no freaking idea why Nintendo went with a four-on-four hockey game. We think they’ll adapt just fine, though.”

In response to the Predators’ moves and to heighten fan interest in their own franchises, several other warm-weather teams in non-traditional hockey cities have followed suit.

The Florida Panthers added Joe Nieuwendyk and Gary Roberts, as well as the Soviet Bubble Hockey team. “While Joe and Gary bring us a veteran presence, the addition of the Soviet Bubbly Hockey squad has us really excited,” said GM Mike Keenan. “What fan can’t relate to a few drunken nights at the bar playing Bubble Hockey?”



The Panthers are said to be particularly excited about the Soviet right winger, who wields an extremely long stick and blade. “You try wrapping one around the boards against him. You just can’t do it,” said Keenan.

Head coach Jacques Martin said he is particularly excited about the disciplined style of play of the Soviet Bubbles. “They stay in their lanes and in their correct zones, which I guess you’d expect from a communist regime,” said Martin. “Plus, they really can’t go anywhere even if they tried, considering they can only move up-and-down in their assigned tracks. They can spin like mad, though, which can really add to the power of their shots.”

“I have much gratitude for opportunity to play sport that I love for Keenan-ski,” said Soviet Bubble Hockey right winger Dmitri “Big Stick” Kharlamov. “I vill enjoy wearing blue jeans, drinking coca-cola, and not having to wait in line to buy bread. I vish to thank Mikhail Keenan-ski for liberating me from the oppressive proletarian dictatorship of Mother Russia. I am also to look very forward for making whoopee with Anna Kournikova, as I am told all Russian NHL hockey players may do.”

Keenan also said the Soviet goalie will e a big upgrade. “His lateral movement is simply phenomenal. It’s almost like he’s attached to a metal rod that allows him to just whip back-and-forth across the crease.”
The Panthers will also add “boo buttons” to each seat in the upper deck, which they hope will enhance fan interaction during games.

The team will teach fans how to use the buttons, which produce the sound of a recorded crowd booing loudly, at appropriate times so as not to offend the Soviets.
"I vill enjoy wearing blue jeans, drinking Coca-Cola, and not having to wait in line to buy bread. I vill also to look very forward for making whoopee with Anna Kournikova, as I am told all Russian NHL hockey players may do."
- Bubble Hockey's Dmitri "Big Stick" Kharlamov



Not surprisingly, Keenan, widely known as a disciplinarian and complete jack-ass, passed on the chance to add the U.S.A. team in favor of the communist Soviets. “The guy is pretty much a dictator, so it doesn’t surprise me,” said Mark Messier, who played for Keenan in New York in 1994. “Goddamn commie bastard.”

The Anaheim Mighty Ducks, having already capitalized on the movie of the same name, are reportedly in negotiations with a couple of goons from the Nintendo classic “Blades of Steel,” and have had a preliminary study done on the cost-feasibility of installing a Sega Genesis in each of the seats at the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim. “People would pay $20 a night just to come in and play Sega ’95, let alone watch the Ducks play,” said new Mighty Ducks General Manager Brian Burke.

credit: sportsgoons.com