Wrestlemania XXIV
Segment 1
The show opens with spotlights panning over the fans in attendance. The stadium erupts as this year’s theme song plays out over the speakers. The three commentator tables are shown and it’s JR who kicks off this year’s Wrestlemania promising the fans an exciting night, full of entertainment.
Segment 2
Graphics are shown as the commentators go through a run-down of tonight’s card. The two biggest pops come for the SmackDown! main event and the Flair vs Michaels match.
Segment 3
A highlight package from past Wrestlemania’s is shown, highlighting some of the greatest moments in Mania history.
Segment 4
Money In The Bank Match: CM Punk vs The Great Khali vs Chris Jericho vs Shelton Benjamin vs Mr. Kennedy vs Jamie Noble vs Chuck Palumbo vs John Morrison
The Money In The Bank Match is the match to start this year’s Wrestlemania. It’s announced that Jeff will not be involved in tonight’s match as he injured himself earlier in the night by jumping off a 100 foot ladder as he attempted to save a cat from a tree. The Great Khali, his replacement receives a lot of heat on his way to the ring.
The match-up begins and unsurprisingly a spot fest ensues.
Palumbo and Noble both end up driving off the stage on Palumbo’s motorcycle with Michelle McCool screaming in the background.
The remaining six men are all laid out in and outside of the ring. Khali is the first to his feet and sets the ladder up. He climbs to the second rung.
JR: “Bah Gawd! He’s going for it! He’s got his hands on the briefcase!”
Shelton suddenly jumps up and goes to the top rope. He flings himself at Khali who falls, ladder and all!
King: “Wow JR! Did you just see that athleticism from Shelton! Khali must have fallen three foot there!”
Kennedy and Punk have taken their fight to the outside where Kennedy botches his finisher of the week.
Jericho and Morrison are both nearly at the top of the ladder by this stage. Jericho takes control but he suplexes Morrison from the top to the outside and through conveniently set-up tables!
This gives Kennedy the chance to begin climbing the ladder. But what! What the hell is this! Hardy is running dazedly down the ramp
JR: “BBQ SAUCE! It’s Jeff Hardy”
King: “Do you have any of this in your script JR?”
JR: “No? Can we say that when we’re live?”
Jeff sets up another ladder. Swanton from the top onto Kennedy who was still amidst climbing the ladder!
Here comes Punk, the only man on his feet. He reaches the top of the ladder and takes the briefcase! Punk celebrates in the ring with the briefcase much to the pleasure of the crowd.
Segment 5
A highlight package of Hornswoggle’s sordid history in the WWE is shown. Surely McMahon isn’t going to be on the card this early?
Segment 6
JBL w/ Vince vs Finlay w/ Hornswoggle (No DQ Match)
A pretty horrible match in truth. Finlay tries his best to get what he can from JBL and his man boobs but in the end Vince makes himself far too involved and we are treated to a slow and boring brawl. The crowd lose interest pretty early until Hornswoggle comes from under the ring to aid Finlay.
With Finlay laid out by the Clothesline From Hell, Vince and JBL are left alone in the ring with Hornswoggle. They begin to beat him down until Finlay finally recovers and with his trusty shillelagh in hand he attacks…Hornswoggle!?
Cole: “What is Finlay doing?”
Coach: “Siding with the boss like any sensible businessman.”
Cole: “Whatever happened blood is thicker than water?”
Coach: “People aren’t meant to know Horny’s actually Finlay’s son yet you ass!”
King: “What? Hornswoggle’s not McMahon’s kid? Then who is?”
Styles: “I’m pretty sure they’re just dropping this whole story after Mania with absolutely no explanation.”
King: “Ah that makes sense.”
Coach: “Honestly guys, we’re still on air you know!”
Finlay then lies down for JBL to pick up the victory. The three men stand in the middle of the ring over Hornswoggle. Paramedics are eventually allowed to come down to the ring to remove Hornswoggle.
Segment 7
William Regal is shown backstage with Umaga.
Regal: “Alright Umannnnnga! Just go out there and destroy Batista for RAW and my sake!”
Umaga: “…”
Samoan Spike to Regal!
Segment 8
SmackDown! vs Raw: Batista vs Umaga
Umaga really gives it his all and actually manages to get a decent match out of big Dave. Batista snaps halfway through the match when a fan says something to him. Batista attempts to swing at the 5 year old kid only for Umaga to spear Batista. The entire crowd instantly turns against Batista.
The match finishes with Batista hitting his usual Spinebuster, followed up by the Batista Bomb!
Amidst Batista’s celebrations Regal comes out to stage and announces that Umaga is no longer welcome on the RAW brand.
Segment 9
Edge is shown scheming backstage with the entire “Guerrero” family besides Chavo who is in action next.
Edge: “So the whole plans set then? Basically everyone comes running down and attacks The Undertaker at the same time. It’s as good as a guaranteed victory for me now.”
Edge and Vickie then begin to make out in front of Zack and Curt. Zack looks rather uncomfortable whereas Curt stares directly at the pair.
Segment 10
An ECW package is shown. Tazz and Styles discuss who could possibly accept Chavo’s Open Invitational tonight.
Segment 11
ECW Championship Open Challenge: Chavo Guerrero © vs ?
Real American hits out over the speakers! The crowd gives the Hulkster absolutely no reaction as he comes out in his red and yellow!
Tazz: “What! This wasn’t who was scheduled at all!”
Styles: “Oh my God! What the hell is Hogan doing here tonight?”
Hogan makes his way into the ring, but trips over a rope as he enters the ring and falls over clutching his knee.
Tazz: “This cannot be the only match we’re getting to commentate on tonight. Not only are neither part of the ECW brand, one of the men can’t even stand.”
Chavo looks unsure as to what to do. Then in a moment of genius Chavo climbs up top and hits his Frogsplash on the injured Hogan to pick up the victory. The crowd have little to no reaction!
Then suddenly One Of A Kind hits out over the speakers and the loudest pop of the night is heard as Rob Van Dam makes his way down to the ring with Paul Heyman by his side. Heyman immediately grabs a mic!
Heyman: “You want an actual challenge tonight Chavo? You got one!”
ECW Championship Open Challenge: Chavo Guerrero © vs Rob Van Dam
Crowd gives another huge pop as RVD climbs into the ring.
Meanwhile, backstage, off-camera, Triple H is watching the match with Steph.
Triple H: “Are you watching this Steph? RVD’s getting literally no reaction out there!”
Crowd are still going nuts as RVD dominates the match-up.
Triple H: “Honestly, I almost feel sorry for the guy, the crowd are just not into him.”
RVD goes up top and signals that the Five Star Frogsplash is coming. The crowd give RVD a rapturous round of applause as he wins the match
Triple H: “Well, Vince can’t say I didn’t tell him so.”
Back in the ring Heyman takes the mic back in his hand.
Heyman: “Welcome to the rebirth of ECW!”
Tazz: “Alright folks, what a night! Heyman is back and so is ECW!”
King [chuckling]: “I’m sure that’ll last all of a week!”
Segment 12
Hornswoggle has been released from the WWE. WWE wishes him the best in all future endeavours.
JR: “What the? That’s a whole segment?”
King: “What’s a segment?”
JR: “Horny being released.”
King: “Who’s Horny JR? [whispers] We aren’t meant to talk about him anymore, he’s being totally removed from WWE history as we speak.”
JR: “Oh right! Eh, alright folks…SKITTLES! Taste the rainbow!”
Segment 13
Women’s Championship: Beth Phoenix © vs Candice Michelle
A reasonable effort by the two divas but all in all it was still seen as the toilet break by all audience members, besides greasy, horny teenage boys. Although, what anybody would see in these two is beyond even King.
King: “Yay! Puppies!”
The match ended when Maria came out to try and aid Candice only for Beth to hit whatever her finisher is called, I mean noone saw the match anyways so who really cares. Beth gets the win.
Bust The Seams hits out over the speakers. That’s Big Daddy V for those who aren’t in the know. V and Striker come out. Striker announces that due to V’s incredible cleavage he is now officially a member of the Women’s division and Beth should be on her guard!
King [whimpering]: “Puppies?”
JR [laughing]: “Only in the WWE folks!”
Segment 14
A package is shown highlighting the main points of the near year long MVP vs Matt Hardy feud.
Segment 15
US Championship: MVP © vs Matt Hardy
Hardy’s return to action so he was a little sloppy but still quite possibly the match of the night. It was back and forth with plenty of near-falls. No comedy in this match-up unfortunately. MVP hits the Playmaker only for Matt to kick out of it.
Jeff suddenly comes running down the ramp again.
Cole: “You have got to be kidding me! This guy again?”
Coach: “Security! Security! Don’t let Jeff ruin another match!”
Jeff trips on his way to the ring. And no, not the falling type!
Matt hits a “Super” Twist of Fate from the top rope to pick up the victory. New US Champion! He celebrates in the ring before helping Jeff to the back.
Segment 16
Mayweather is shown walking backstage towards the ring with his entire entourage still around him.
Big Show is then showed walking down an adjoining character.
The two men bump into each other and get in each other’s faces.
Segment 17
Hulk Hogan is shown wheeling himself around backstage in his newly acquired wheelchair.
Hulk Hogan: “VINCE!”
Shane McMahon: “What’s up Hulkster?”
Hogan: “Where the hell’s Vince? I need to speak to him brutha.”
Shane: “He’s a little busy right now. I’m sure I can be of assistance though.”
Hogan: “Yeah, yeah you can. Did you see that sunuvabitch Guerrero pinning me earlier? That wasn’t part of the match plans!”
Shane: “Of course it wasn’t! You do realise you weren’t even meant to be here tonight don’t you?”
Hogan: “Of course I do, but I figured I’d a bit of spare time on my hands and I’d help you guys out. I mean, nobody draws like Hulk Hogan. Did you hear the crowd? They were red hot for me!”
Shane: “You know you won’t get paid for showing up unexpectedly Hulk?”
Hogan: “Awh, c’mon Shane. Just a few million! I really need it right now! Linda's divorcing me you know?”
Segment 18
Big Show vs Floyd Mayweather
The crowd were very undecided who to cheer for in this bout. Mayweather used his speed to avoid Show at the beginning before unleashing several hard punches to his body. Show, who has been cut wide open above his eye by this stage, finally gets a hold of Mayweather after a few minutes. Show picks him up and throws him out of the ring, scattering his entourage.
It’s now just Show vs Mayweather. Mayweather continues to be dominated until finally he hits a direct blow to Show’s head. Both men are now down.
Some Bodies Gonna Get It hits out over the speakers. Yes, that’s Mark Henry.
Cole: “Oh God! Another run-in? This isn’t TNA you know!”
Henry runs, very slowly, to the ring. He manages to climb into the ring with a table in hand. Then the “World’s Strongest Man” sets the table up before trying to pick Show up. He just about gets Show up, before botching his World’s Strongest Slam through the table. Mayweather who has recovered by this stage pins Show and gets the victory.
Cole: “Oh great. I wonder what this could possibly mean for Show and Henry? Does anybody else get the possible hint that these two could be about to feud. Just fucking great!”
Coach: “Alright Cole. Calm down! We’re still on air!”
Cole: “I’m sick of this rubbish!”
Cole storms off up the ramp and backstage.
Segment 19
A Ric Flair appreciation package is shown and the crowd really gets into it.
Segment 20
Shawn Michaels vs Ric Flair – Retirement Match
Michaels manages a pretty good match out of Flair. The two men show their respect for each other from the beginning with a handshake.
There is quite a lot of brawling throughout the match as Flair only has 4 moves he can actually hit anymore, one of which is an Irish whip.
JR: “Gawd King! Did you see how Flair just Irish whipped Michaels there. Unbelievable! He’s definitely still got it in the ring.”
King [yawning]: “No doubt, when Flair’s on the attack, his chop, Irish whip, chop, Irish whip, chop, schoolboy technique is sending this crowd into raptures.”
Michaels again takes control before he finally hits Sweet Chin Music. Flair somehow finds the strength to kick out one final time! Michaels then attempts to hit Sweet Chin Music again, only for Flair to read it and he manages to avoid it. Flair then chops Michaels to the ground before locking in the figure-four leg lock.
JR: “Is Flair going to deny all the odds right here tonight?”
King: “Wait! Here comes McMahon!”
Vince makes his way down to the ring. Flair gets in his face before he chops him to the ground also!
JR: “What a chop! What a chop from Flair!”
Michaels is to his feet by this stage and setting himself up for Sweet Chin Music yet again, but suddenly he stops and tells Flair to move. As he connects with McMahon’s chin!
Flair and Michaels stare off one more time, before Michaels delivers Sweet Chin Music to his idol! He then locks in the figure-four leg lock. Flair is forced to tap to his own move!
Michaels then helps Flair up, they hug in the centre of the ring. Then Flair cuts a very emotional promo thanking all the fans for standing by him to this age.
Flair makes his way to the back to a very warm reception from the crowd.
JR: “What a moment, made all the more special by this great crowd. This is the last time you will all see that great man inside a wrestling ring.”
King: “Can I get some odds that he’ll be back in the ring within 6 months? I smell an easy money earner!”
Segment 21
A video package is shown going through The Undertaker’s undefeated streak at Wrestlemania.
Segment 22
Hulk Hogan is again shown wheeling himself around backstage. Suddenly his elbow dislocates itself.
Hogan: “Ahhh damn it! Little help? Anyone?”
Flair: “…Hogan.”
Hogan: “Flair! Old buddy! Just saw your match. You’ve definitely still got it going on in the ring. I was thinking, how about we face off against each other sometime? I’m thinking next year’s Mania?”
Flair: “I eh, sortof just retired...WOOOOO!”
Hogan: “Screw retirement brutha! I’m never ever going to retire! I am the Immortal Hulk Hogan”
Hogan’s leg falls off. Flair begins to walk away.
Hogan: “Awh crap! Keep that thought in mind though brutha! Don’t worry about the result, I’ll let you beat me at Summerslam if I can beat you at Mania!”
Segment 23
World Heavyweight Championship: Edge © vs The Undertaker
The Undertaker takes ten minutes to get to the ring so this match isn’t given as much time as it probably should have been. It was still easily one of the best matches of the night though, with a few near falls and some submission holds to slow the match down.
The Undertaker takes control of the match and locks in his choke hold but Edge becomes the first man to break it. Then out from the back comes the “Guerrero” family, Vickie, Zack and Curt. The referee and The Undertaker both become distracted by them. Chavo comes from the crowd and passes the belt into the ring to Edge who tries to hit Taker only to hit the ref.
With the ref out of the match, the entire Guerrero family become involved with Edge and Vickie directing traffic. As Curt, Zack and Chavo begin to beat The Undertaker down; Edge and Vickie begin to vigorously make out in the corner of the ring. Soon enough they are dry humping each other.
With no leadership the other three begin to argue amongst each other letting The Undertaker come back with a double chokeslam to Zack and Curt, followed up by the Last Ride to Chavo. Edge and Vickie have not noticed this and are just about to get naked when The Undertaker grabs Vickie. Edge stares on, too afraid to save his “love”. Taker Tombstones Vickie and then signals that Edge’s time is now.
Edge tries to run but is grabbed by Taker who Tombstone Piledriver’s him. The referee conveniently wakes up at this point after The Undertaker has overcome all the odds. Taker gets the three count and is the new World Heavyweight Champion!
Segment 24
A final video package is shown, explaining the happenings of this Orton vs Cena vs Triple H feud.
Segment 25
WWE Championship: Randy Orton © vs John Cena vs Triple H
Triple H comes out, grabs a mic and does his D-X routine even though D-X aren’t remotely involved in this match.
Cena makes his way out dressed in ripped shorts, a ripped t-shirt and with his entire body painted green. He then “Cena’s” out on Triple H and F-U’s him through ECW’s announce table immediately.
Orton then makes his way out with his belt and “those” trunks that show his rather puny body off.
The match starts off between just Orton and Cena as Triple H is still recovering from the Super-Duper-F-U from Cena. Orton dominates and uses a few dirty tactics to maintain control of the match.
Triple H finally recovers and makes his way back into the ring. Him and Orton go at it for a couple of minutes as Cena stays down. Orton again seems to be control, however Triple H counters an Irish whip and hits a spinebuster. Triple H then sets Orton up for the Pedigree.
Cena has now recovered and picks up Triple H and places him on his shoulders, however Triple H has somehow managed to still hold onto Orton in place for a Pedigree. Cena begins to do press-ups with both men on his back, before he finally climbs to the top rope and hit’s this new unorthodox F-U on Triple H who at the same time Pedigrees Orton.
JR: “Bah Gawd!!! King! King! Bah Gawd! That has to be the best moment in Mania history.”
King: “True enough JR. That’s almost as impressive as that time Hogan slammed Andre.”
JR: “That really sounds pathetic put like that, huh?”
King: “Yeah, it kind of does, doesn’t it?”
All three men are clearly hurting, until suddenly Cena springs up and “Can’t See Me’s” Orton. Cena locks in the STFU!
JR: “STFU King! STFU King!”
King: “Sometimes I really wish you would.”
Orton taps! Cena is the new WWE Heavyweight Champion!
JR: “Can you believe that?”
Styles: “Great, we get to see another year long reign. That’s clearly what the fans want.”
Cena is left celebrating in the ring to a chorus of boos as Wrestlemania XXIV goes off air.
King: “Ahhh. Thought that crap was never going to end.”
JR: “Still on King.”
King: “What! Awh shit!”
JR: “Someone cut his mic!”
Camera fades to black.
--------------------------------
Quick Results
CM Punk won the MITB match
JBL w/ Vince defeated Finlay w/ Hornswoggle
SmackDown vs Raw!: Batista defeated Umaga
ECW Championship Open Challenge: Chavo Guerrero defeated Hulk Hogan to retain the ECW Title
ECW Championship Open Challenge: Rob Van Dam defeated Chavo Guerrero to win the ECW Title
Women’s Championship: Beth Phoenix defeated Candice Michelle to retain
US Championship: Matt Hardy defeated MVP to become the new US Champion
Floyd Mayweather defeated Big Show
Shawn Michaels defeated Ric Flair to retire him
World Heavyweight Championship: The Undertaker defeated Edge to become the new World Heavyweight Champion
WWE Championship: John Cena makes Orton tap to become the new WWE Champion